For the past 14 years I have either been studying or practicing the great science of communication disorders. During these years I have come to realize that my career is my identity. I wasn't so aware of it until recently. Upon entering undergraduate school, my major was speech language pathology and it stayed that way during my 4 undergraduate years and 2 graduate years. Not necessarily because I loved the idea of the occupation so much, it was just the right, logical, reasonable thing to do. I was going to be a speech pathologist. There. A good, solid profession. I knew that I would most certainly not have difficulty finding or securing a job. So, after graduation nearly 8 years ago (yikes! I'm getting old!), my professional journey commenced.
So here I am 8 years later, faced with a major decision that I need to make. A decision that I thought I would find quite simple and easy. But for some reason, I am having a hard time deciding, do I in fact want to continue on in pursuit of higher education, do I want to continue to study the discipline that has so defined me for these 14 years? I am not so sure. I do enjoy most aspects of my career. I love, love helping people. I am a communicator by nature, so naturally empowering others to be effective communicators is rewarding.
However, I am learning as I inch my way into the land of the 30s, I'm not so sure that I want to continue to allow my career to define who I am. There are so many other aspects of me that I have yet to cultivate. There are talents and skills in the me that I never tap into because my focus has been on my career; on making the logical, safe, smart decisions in my life to avoid unwanted detours and looks of misunderstanding from the people that I value. Honestly, my ability to dream and think beyond the logical has somewhat died...sad, but true. And trying to revive that part or me, leaves me feeling a little confused and disjointed. I have realized, I am simply existing.
Really, I don't know in which direction I want my life to go. I have spent most of my life making choices that I thought people wanted me to make. I have spent my life wanting to please and appease others even at the expense of my own feelings just to see the look of satisfaction or approval of another. Of course it's no one's fault but my own; but simply making a decision without regard to ANYONE's feelings but mine and God's is scary. I don't know how to live like that. I don't know how to say, "this is what I am doing because I want to do it." I'm just used siking myself into being excited about something because I think someone else will excited about it. But I am so, so over that. I want to live.
SOOOOO, where do we go from here. Who knows? I just know that I have some decisions to make for myself. Without consultation from all of the people in my life and for the first time ever without the thought that I may disappoint someone because my life isn't going the way they think it should (or how I think they think it should). I am stepping out on my own, even though I've been "on my own" for quite some time, I'm stepping out on my own to live the life that I was designed to live. A life that engages the parts of me that inspire to me dream, the life that allows me to invest in the things and people that I am most passionate about, the life that I can truly be proud of. Not a life that is revolving around people's opinions and perceived expectations, not a life that only takes safe chances, not a life that doesn't reflect who I truly am. God created me to be someone that I haven't quite been just yet. But I am committing to learning about who I am, who I want to be, and in which direction I want my life to go. It's not going to be easy, but I HAVE to do this. If I don't I will most certainly have a nervous break down :-).
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