The Atheist: A Gray Area Situation

As a passionate follower of Christ I never thought I'd find myself in certain situations. I vividly remember mentally comprising a list of things that I would NEVER do (which I quickly learned is a major no-no, because you usually either end up doing the "nevers" or are placed in a situation that consists of making a choice regarding one of the "nevers"). I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would try with everything in me to make decisions that were honoring to God. I was determined (and still am) to make decisions that reflect my devotion to Christ. But as I have lived this crazy life, I have come to the realization that this is no easy task; particularly due to the fact that I am human and bound to make mistakes. I am bound to encounter people and situations that make decision making terribly difficult and sometimes downright painful. I suppose it's how you respond to these situations that teach you about the type of person you are. I suppose that living without these "gray area" scenarios would make life a bit too easy and possibly make you so closed minded that you fail to see God in the most unlikely of circumstances.

One of my most significant "gray area situations" was falling in love with an atheist. I know some of my devoted Christian friends are gasping and clutching their pearls, but yes, it is true. I met an amazing person. I knew that he wasn't a Christian, but still allowed myself to fall in love with him. It probably wasn't one of my best decisions in life but it is one that has taught me so much about myself, my heart and my relationship with God.  Without getting into too many details as to how this relationship transpired, I will say that it wasn't difficult falling in love with an atheist, it was rather easy. I was treated well; we shared a lot of the same views about morality, family and life and well, he was quite simply easy to be around. He was also very open to learning more about my faith. He was open to trying to figure out if my beliefs were something he could subscribe to...and after much thought and effort, he determined that they weren't. 

During this time, I was extremely conflicted.  I knew that I wanted to share my faith with the person that I was in a relationship with; this was one of my non-negotiables. But this was the first time that I had had to come face to face with one of my non-negotiables in a real and tangible way; I saw this great person, that possessed every quality that I desired except belief in God and for the first time I questioned the importance of faith in my relationship. It was one of the happiest and one of the most emotionally difficult times of my adult life (regarding relationships).  My heart and mind were at war and my constant fear wasn't really about what God thought, but about what my Christian friends/associates would think. I would even go as far to say that I was ashamed of my relationship. I was allowing the opinions of people to convict me rather than the will of God. I feel horrible even saying that because I know that God places everyone in our lives for specific purposes. Sometimes those purposes don't make sense. Sometimes we misinterpret the purpose but I know that God can take even our misinterpretations of a situation and make something beautiful.  It is a tough thing to feel a certain way but know that God doesn't necessarily agree with your feelings. It is even more difficult when you make a decision to sacrifice something you want so badly because you feel that it will be best for you and possibly another in the long run.

It was my decision to end the relationship, not his. We had discussed at length the possibility of this happening from the beginning, so it wasn't a huge surprise when it finally did. The biggest surprise for me was the hurt that I experienced. I didn't expect to feel so heartbroken, as there was no wrong doing on either end. It was just heartbreaking to lose a friend, not just someone I loved, but someone I genuinely liked, respected and admired; someone who made me laugh, didn't take himself too seriously and accepted me for exactly who I was. I didn't expect to feel so angry either. Angry at myself, and God and the situation. It was all so frustrating (and sometimes still is when I think about it). 

I'm constantly thinking and wondering what all I learned from this situation. I ask myself, "how have you grown?" "What do you know about yourself now that you didn't before." "How did this situation benefit him at all? I don't really have any definitive answers and maybe I never will. All that I can say with certainty is, love can and does come in a variety of packages, everyone deserves a chance--you never know the lasting impact that you will have on their life or vice versus; if it is God who you trust and believe in, then his opinion is the only one that matters and lastly, this whole Christian thing is not always easy or fun. But I have believed in God long enough to know that he really is faithful and just. And I can only hope that he honors my decision and will one day pleasantly surprise me with a love and friendship that I never imagined.