My Journey Now...

New Year Thoughts

2012-01-03T09:35:00.000-05:00

When I originally began this blog it was because I was seriously considering becoming a missionary full time (if you are reading this on Facebook, all of my "notes" are really blog entries-john434.blogspot.com- that feed into my Facebook account). The plan was for me to sell all of the things that I didn't necessarily need, save money and begin the application process in order to become an international missionary. Well, as many of you know, that didn't quite happen. Life and God have a way of changing your plans for one reason or another. Often I look back and wonder if I made the right decision in aborting that plan. I am not so sure if there is/was a right or wrong decision, as I believe God can us use as "missionaries" wherever we are. But I often think about how differently my life would be right now, if I had continued with the original plan. As my life plans have taken twists and turns that were often unexpected, I have had to adapt this blog to fit those changes.

As we have embarked upon a new year, I considered abandoning this blog all together and starting afresh. I considered re-naming, re-designing, and re-purposing my blog because I wasn't quite sure if it was still relevant to my life now. But I suppose it is still relevant...the name of my blog is "My Journey Now..." My main goal in having this blog is to write about the lessons, laughs, questions, and thoughts that I have about life and living it. So really the title and its purpose, will never be irrelevant because I am always going to be on some type of journey.

So instead of starting new somewhere else, I am forging on, adding to the adventures and revelations that I have documented on this particular blog. My life has not changed much over the past several months besides the fact that I have changed jobs yet again...but that is an entirely separate blog post all together.

Below I am going to list 10 major lessons that I learned in 2011...these lessons have reshaped my perspective on life and people. Some of them have made me a slightly more jaded while others have softened me a bit.

1. More times than not, people are going to care about themselves far more than they care about you.
2. We are all replaceable. No matter how important we believe we are to a business, a person, or situation more often than not we can and will be replaced and life will continue to move on.
3. God wants the very best for me (I already knew that, but needed to be reminded). Even if it takes heartache and challenges, God wants you to have the very best in life.
4. Family is one of the most amazing gifts that we have been blessed with...No matter how crazy, loud or embarrassing they are.
5. Perfectionism is unobtainable...expecting perfection from yourself or others is unfair and unrealistic. It will drive you crazy!
6. My heart is far softer than I realized. Although, most would not believe this...I am a softy deep down.
7. Words are just as powerful as actions...especially when they are sincere.
8. Taking risks is one of the best things that we can do in life. Risks are still one of my biggest fears, but I have learned that life is often stagnant and unproductive without them.
9. Your health, or the health of your loved ones should never be taken for granted.
10. Time is probably the most precious gift we have been given. With time, if used wisely, we can touch lives, create joy, take chances, live our dreams and create new ones.

I am sure that I have left something out, but I am OK with that. I hope that everyone has a great start to the new year!!!! Hopefully I will be blogging more often in 2012...hopefully!

Thankful...

2011-11-23T23:15:00.000-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving...

1. I am thankful for my family. They are the most important people in my life. They bring laughter, comfort and support and my life is 1,000 times richer because of them.
2. I am thankful for good health. Often taken for granted, good health is what allows you to enjoy life and I am so thankful for it.
3. I am thankful for my crazy, amazing friends. They really belong in the family category as I don't have many people in my inner circle, but the ones that I do have bring so much joy to my life.
4. I am thankful for freedom. Freedom to speak and believe whatever I want. It is one thing that I never want taken away.
5. I am thankful for words, books, and authors. I love the smell of a fresh, new book; the inspiration and entertainment of a good story and the color that words bring to life.
6. I am thankful for work, my career and the lives that touch my life on a daily basis.
7. I am thankful for heartache. It teaches us so much about the people that we are and makes us so much stronger than we ever imagined.
8. I am most thankful for God. He is my constant and I am an absolute mess without him. He is my sanity.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!!

Love: A Choice

2011-08-28T20:37:00.001-04:00

In movies, characters fall in love, in more cases than not, have a whirlwind of romance, ooey-gooey eye gazing, and this sense of overwhelming joy because a special someone has entered their lives. Of course, the climax of the movie usually involves some sort of conflict, the couple splits, decides they can't live without each other, confess their wrongs and end up happily ever after. Now, after seeing that type of storyline over and over as a youth, one's thoughts about love are bound to be unrealistically skewed.

Life of course teaches you that the romanticized process of love shown on movies is, quite simply, a lie. My mother tried often and tirelessly to reassure me, particularly during my years in college, that love was a choice. She couldn't convince me at that time. I was not willing to abandon the fantasy of "you can't help who you love." But as I have grown older, and just a wee bit wiser, I am learning that love is in fact a choice. One could argue that you can't help who you fall in love with, and I would counter that argument by saying, you can help who you allow yourself to fall in love with. There is always a choice in this thing called love. Quite often, we allow ourselves to fall in love with people knowing good and well that they might not be the best person for us at the time. This behavior is probably attributed to the fact that most women (sorry ladies!!!) and some men are in love with the idea of love.

On the flip side of things bitterness and hurt can cause one to choose not to love all together. Opting to stay warm, safe and cozy in their cocoon of solitude. No one can hurt you if you don't love them. Remaining single is the best way to avoid being heartbroken. Trust me.

But there has to be a healthy balance, right? Choosing to love, but choosing to love with realistic expectations. Because after the initial newness of a relationship wears off you are stuck with a person. A person with, often, baggage, hurt, irritating habits, different opinions, annoying points of view, and the list could probably go on and on. However, that person comes with amazing qualities that enhance your life--companionship, laughter, support, growth, and an opportunity to become better. And if those wonderful qualities, outweigh all of the junk, I would venture to say that choosing to love is not so bad of an idea. It is work...even though some would argue with that sentiment as well. But some are worth the work; worth the disagreements, irritation, stretching, hurting, and sometimes even tears. The work, the love work, makes us self-less, more compassionate, more flexible and more loving. And if we are willing to choose to truly love, then we should be willing to work to sustain the love.

I guess the bottom line or lines are: 1) Love is most certainly a choice 2) Continuing to choose to love is an even bigger choice and 3) Choosing to love is work, but it's worth it...well, at least I think it's worth it :-).

Tortilla Chip Fiasco

2011-08-23T21:21:00.000-04:00

I was sitting outside of Chipotle yesterday attempting to enjoy my lunch. It was quite windy and I was experiencing some difficulty keeping my napkins, paper bag, utensils, and food container under control while reading and eating...talk about multi-tasking! Inside the paper bag mentioned above were my tortilla chips. I am a true lover of tortilla chips and was looking forward to enjoying them as a part of my lunch. As I was readjusting all of my belongings for the 25th time, I risked setting my bag of chips down for just a second. Before I could take one deep breath, my bag of chips flew away in the wind. I didn't even have time to attempt to chase after them. The were gone. All of the chips spilled onto the sidewalk beside me and the paper bag skipped away in the wind. It would be rather dramatic to say that I was devastated...but I was disappointed. The worst part about the whole situation was that before I could even begin eating my lunch again, little birds had already begun to snack on my beloved chips. I simple pushed them into a pile and resigned myself to the fact that my lunch would be "chipless."

While all of this was occurring, I kept thinking, "I am sure that someone inside the restaurant is watching me, laughing at me"...I mean I would be watching me. The whole scene had to be relatively amusing to an outsider...I mean, it was amusing to me! My thoughts proved to be correct, because as soon as I got myself situated again, a lady came outside and said, "excuse me, my friend and I just watched all of your chips blow away and we just wanted you to have some more, so here you go." She handed me a bag of chips and proceeded to say, "I know they (the chips) are so good and I hated for you to not having any chips with your meal." We both laughed. I thanked her and happily enjoyed my chips with the rest of my lunch.

I guess I've shared this little story to say: 1) you never know who's watching you, 2) I have to believe that the nature of most of humanity is kind and 3) little, unexpected blessings are the absolute best. Those ladies will probably never know how their little act of kindness, their donation of a $1.25 bag of tortilla chips, brightened my entire day :-).

Change

2011-08-19T14:00:00.001-04:00

Change has overtaken my life! As cliche' as it may sound, the only thing constant in life is change...and such has been true during the past few months. It seems that my life is either stagnant or changing, changing, changing. I am someone who normally becomes bored quite easily and look forward to some sort of change, but during the past couple of months I have started a new job--laced with new procedures, responsibilities, and colleagues, began new relationships/friendships, and been faced with some family "tragedies", for a lack of a better word. Don't get too upset with me, but I am about to drop yet another overused cliche'...they always say be careful what you ask for. Man, has that been true!!! For several months, I prayed and prayed for God to bless and guide me into a "new" season in life...and He did :-).

My goal during this time, this new season, is to dig and search through each situation for the blessing, the good. I am thoroughly looking for the part of the change that is making me a better person; despite the stretching, discomfort, and challenges, I know that most of the changes that have occurred are good ones; hard changes but good ones. Variations in my life that will, no doubt provide me with some sort of wisdom and strength.

So, onward I will march through each change; trying with everything in me to understand and relish in the fact that, 1) I am growing 2) the pleasure and pain of each twist and turn in my life are blessings from God and 3) I will adjust. I will wake up one day and find myself wishing for change again, I am sure. I can only hope that I will remember this time in my life and think nice and hard before I pray for God to bring something "new" into my world. Because, I am learning that when He answers a prayer...He REALLY answers it!

Erica...

2011-06-18T09:31:00.001-04:00

I never thought my life would be so surrounded and consumed by the young, impressionable, lives of children. Growing up I always loved and enjoyed working with children, but I never thought they would teach me some of life's greatest lessons.

A few years ago I met a wonderful little girl named Erica. She was quiet, with big blue eyes and blond, blond hair. I immediately noticed that she had a sweet spirit and was drawn to her. Initially, she didn't say much to me, rarely made eye contact, and avoided my "teacherly" touches-pats on the back for encouragement and so forth; but after she warmed up a bit, we began a beautiful and unique friendship. Erica would often catch me off guard with her impeccable memory and ability to persevere despite any challenges that would come her way. And she faced major challenges. Erica had been diagnosed with brain cancer very early in her life. By the time I met her, she had endured a very intense round of chemotherapy and her medical status was stable.

As time progressed I built a strong relationship with she and her family. I watched Erica's academic and communication skills blossom. She fascinated me; she never complained, displayed such a thoughtfulness and compassion to others and she was a fighter. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of courage it takes for anyone to endure the looming, dark presence of cancer. I watched Erica and her family struggle through highs and lows with such grace...a grace that I couldn't quite understand, but I marveled at it. I also marveled at Erica's courage and strength as she pressed forward and beat so many odds that were stacked against her.

My time with Erica taught me that falling down means getting back up; you never go out without a fight; you do your absolute best no matter what; and you take what life and God have blessed you with and exhaust all of the possibilities that come with those blessings. Quite simply Erica taught me the great lessons of faith and courage.

As life gifts you with joys it also allows you to experience heartbreak. On June 10th, 2011 Erica lost her battle with cancer. Her sweet face, gentle voice, infectious smile and strong character will forever be etched in my heart and mind. Her family, the epitome of love, grace and strength, will forever have my prayers and love. I can't begin to imagine the grief they are experiencing. I am eternally grateful for the honor of having known Erica, how amazingly blessed heaven is to have her.

Please make donations to St. Jude for their continued research.
St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital501 St Jude PlaceMemphis, TN 38105Phone: 1-800-822-6344Or Email: donors@stjude.org

New Season...

2011-06-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

The ending of this school year is a bit bittersweet. It is the first time in 8 years that I will be turning in my school ID, keys, emergency exit plan, and first aid kit, with no plans to return in the fall. I have accepted a new career challenge that will pull me away from the public school setting and I am both petrified and excited. The school building, schedule, children and yes, even the dreaded paperwork have become my home and comfort zone and it's scary to walk away from something that is so familiar to me. I have learned so much about myself during these past years. Children are probably life's most valuable teachers, as their vulnerability is always given so freely and their honesty keeps you honest with yourself. They can bring out the absolute best and sometimes...the worst in you. My experience in the public school system, although challenging and at times extremely stressful, has been invaluable. I have realized that I have been well trained to perform my job.

I have also embarked on new challenges personally, that have perplexed and pleasantly surprised me, making this time in my life a clearly defined new season. I am being pushed in many ways to try new things, learn more about myself, and trust those whom I wouldn't normally trust. As I have taken a risk to try a new career setting, I have also taken an even scarier risk in building new friendships.

So, I am cautiously moving into this new season in my life full of anxiety and anticipation. I know that if nothing else, I will learn and grow from the lessons that this part of my journey will teach me.

The Atheist: A Gray Area Situation

2011-05-02T20:01:00.001-04:00

As a passionate follower of Christ I never thought I'd find myself in certain situations. I vividly remember mentally comprising a list of things that I would NEVER do (which I quickly learned is a major no-no, because you usually either end up doing the "nevers" or are placed in a situation that consists of making a choice regarding one of the "nevers"). I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would try with everything in me to make decisions that were honoring to God. I was determined (and still am) to make decisions that reflect my devotion to Christ. But as I have lived this crazy life, I have come to the realization that this is no easy task; particularly due to the fact that I am human and bound to make mistakes. I am bound to encounter people and situations that make decision making terribly difficult and sometimes downright painful. I suppose it's how you respond to these situations that teach you about the type of person you are. I suppose that living without these "gray area" scenarios would make life a bit too easy and possibly make you so closed minded that you fail to see God in the most unlikely of circumstances.

One of my most significant "gray area situations" was falling in love with an atheist. I know some of my devoted Christian friends are gasping and clutching their pearls, but yes, it is true. I met an amazing person. I knew that he wasn't a Christian, but still allowed myself to fall in love with him. It probably wasn't one of my best decisions in life but it is one that has taught me so much about myself, my heart and my relationship with God. Without getting into too many details as to how this relationship transpired, I will say that it wasn't difficult falling in love with an atheist, it was rather easy. I was treated well; we shared a lot of the same views about morality, family and life and well, he was quite simply easy to be around. He was also very open to learning more about my faith. He was open to trying to figure out if my beliefs were something he could subscribe to...and after much thought and effort, he determined that they weren't.

During this time, I was extremely conflicted. I knew that I wanted to share my faith with the person that I was in a relationship with; this was one of my non-negotiables. But this was the first time that I had had to come face to face with one of my non-negotiables in a real and tangible way; I saw this great person, that possessed every quality that I desired except belief in God and for the first time I questioned the importance of faith in my relationship. It was one of the happiest and one of the most emotionally difficult times of my adult life (regarding relationships). My heart and mind were at war and my constant fear wasn't really about what God thought, but about what my Christian friends/associates would think. I would even go as far to say that I was ashamed of my relationship. I was allowing the opinions of people to convict me rather than the will of God. I feel horrible even saying that because I know that God places everyone in our lives for specific purposes. Sometimes those purposes don't make sense. Sometimes we misinterpret the purpose but I know that God can take even our misinterpretations of a situation and make something beautiful. It is a tough thing to feel a certain way but know that God doesn't necessarily agree with your feelings. It is even more difficult when you make a decision to sacrifice something you want so badly because you feel that it will be best for you and possibly another in the long run.

It was my decision to end the relationship, not his. We had discussed at length the possibility of this happening from the beginning, so it wasn't a huge surprise when it finally did. The biggest surprise for me was the hurt that I experienced. I didn't expect to feel so heartbroken, as there was no wrong doing on either end. It was just heartbreaking to lose a friend, not just someone I loved, but someone I genuinely liked, respected and admired; someone who made me laugh, didn't take himself too seriously and accepted me for exactly who I was. I didn't expect to feel so angry either. Angry at myself, and God and the situation. It was all so frustrating (and sometimes still is when I think about it).

I'm constantly thinking and wondering what all I learned from this situation. I ask myself, "how have you grown?" "What do you know about yourself now that you didn't before." "How did this situation benefit him at all? I don't really have any definitive answers and maybe I never will. All that I can say with certainty is, love can and does come in a variety of packages, everyone deserves a chance--you never know the lasting impact that you will have on their life or vice versus; if it is God who you trust and believe in, then his opinion is the only one that matters and lastly, this whole Christian thing is not always easy or fun. But I have believed in God long enough to know that he really is faithful and just. And I can only hope that he honors my decision and will one day pleasantly surprise me with a love and friendship that I never imagined.

A Worthy Risk

2011-04-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Some weekends I work at a local hospital as a speech therapist. Today while at work, I entered one of my patient's rooms and witnessed something that I thought was memorable and maybe even a bit breathtaking. Two ladies were repositioning their mother in her hospital bed, rearranging her blankets and pillows, readjusting the height of the bed and so forth. This isn't really that abnormal as many patient's families care for them in this way. I suppose it was the gentleness and care they used. Each movement was loving, soft and gentle. As they repositioned her pillows they would softly brush any fly away hairs back into place. As they tucked her blankets they made sure her hands and feet were evenly covered, making sure that each extremity had just enough coverage balanced with the right amount of space for comfortable movement. They spoke to her quietly in loving tones. They arranged and rearranged several times making sure their mother was just right. They were truly performing an act of love. Their actions were love. I couldn't even understand the words they spoke because they were speaking another language but love poured out of them through the tones of their voices. Their actions didn't seem obligatory, rather they appeared privileged, blessed to be able to serve their mother in this manner. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, "now this is love."

I'm not sure why I was so acutely aware of my patient's family members today. I'm not sure why their actions struck me as extraordinary. All I know is that I was blessed by their love and it wasn't even directed towards me. I suppose all of us are touched by love whether we're experiencing it personally or just fortunate bystanders. Either way, I was reminded today that love is powerful. In all of it's forms, it is powerful and can inspire us to become more loving. I truly believe that we were all created to love. And even though to love at all is to be vulnerable; to love at all is granting our loved ones permission to hurt us; I'm coming to realize that often the benefits of love far outweigh it's risks.

The Past 14 Years...

2011-04-10T15:41:00.001-04:00

For the past 14 years I have either been studying or practicing the great science of communication disorders. During these years I have come to realize that my career is my identity. I wasn't so aware of it until recently. Upon entering undergraduate school, my major was speech language pathology and it stayed that way during my 4 undergraduate years and 2 graduate years. Not necessarily because I loved the idea of the occupation so much, it was just the right, logical, reasonable thing to do. I was going to be a speech pathologist. There. A good, solid profession. I knew that I would most certainly not have difficulty finding or securing a job. So, after graduation nearly 8 years ago (yikes! I'm getting old!), my professional journey commenced.

So here I am 8 years later, faced with a major decision that I need to make. A decision that I thought I would find quite simple and easy. But for some reason, I am having a hard time deciding, do I in fact want to continue on in pursuit of higher education, do I want to continue to study the discipline that has so defined me for these 14 years? I am not so sure. I do enjoy most aspects of my career. I love, love helping people. I am a communicator by nature, so naturally empowering others to be effective communicators is rewarding.

However, I am learning as I inch my way into the land of the 30s, I'm not so sure that I want to continue to allow my career to define who I am. There are so many other aspects of me that I have yet to cultivate. There are talents and skills in the me that I never tap into because my focus has been on my career; on making the logical, safe, smart decisions in my life to avoid unwanted detours and looks of misunderstanding from the people that I value. Honestly, my ability to dream and think beyond the logical has somewhat died...sad, but true. And trying to revive that part or me, leaves me feeling a little confused and disjointed. I have realized, I am simply existing.

Really, I don't know in which direction I want my life to go. I have spent most of my life making choices that I thought people wanted me to make. I have spent my life wanting to please and appease others even at the expense of my own feelings just to see the look of satisfaction or approval of another. Of course it's no one's fault but my own; but simply making a decision without regard to ANYONE's feelings but mine and God's is scary. I don't know how to live like that. I don't know how to say, "this is what I am doing because I want to do it." I'm just used siking myself into being excited about something because I think someone else will excited about it. But I am so, so over that. I want to live.

SOOOOO, where do we go from here. Who knows? I just know that I have some decisions to make for myself. Without consultation from all of the people in my life and for the first time ever without the thought that I may disappoint someone because my life isn't going the way they think it should (or how I think they think it should). I am stepping out on my own, even though I've been "on my own" for quite some time, I'm stepping out on my own to live the life that I was designed to live. A life that engages the parts of me that inspire to me dream, the life that allows me to invest in the things and people that I am most passionate about, the life that I can truly be proud of. Not a life that is revolving around people's opinions and perceived expectations, not a life that only takes safe chances, not a life that doesn't reflect who I truly am. God created me to be someone that I haven't quite been just yet. But I am committing to learning about who I am, who I want to be, and in which direction I want my life to go. It's not going to be easy, but I HAVE to do this. If I don't I will most certainly have a nervous break down :-).

Fourteen

2011-03-14T22:00:00.000-04:00

Fourteen. The average size of the American woman. But, it's not always the "American" size of beauty...

You may be wondering why I am talking about the average size of the American woman. Lately I have been thinking about beauty and how it is defined in our society...our American society. I watch a lot of realty T.V (I know, I know, it's my guilty pleasure!!!) and see women struggle and fight to obtain this mold that they think is acceptable to our America...and sometimes it really bugs me.

What is the universal, if you will, perception of beauty in America? Is it long hair or short, straight or kinky, pleasantly plump or thin and waif-like, curvy or athletic, tall or short, dark or light...If we all take an honest look at what we view beauty to be I am most certain that we will choose one or the other out of the list above. Some choices would be chosen more often than others...of course. I would also venture to say that whether we admit it or not, we all have an idea of what we think beauty really is, and these ideas have often come from our culture, our friends, families and even expectations that have been placed on us by those that are close to us. I know that you might me thinking, beauty is only skin deep, right? If only we accepted that as our own truth, the struggle of beauty and feeling beautiful wouldn't haunt women like it does. I wish that were our universal perception of beauty; perhaps if it were, we as women would be saved a lot of heartache and stress that we endure regarding our appearances.

As a black woman, beauty can often be a controversial issue in our culture...particularly when it comes to hair...hair texture and length. Even though these issues aren't blasted across the media and quite often people "outside" of the "loop" are unaware, they do exist. I would say that some black women struggle with their perception of beauty because for many years straight, long hair was (and often still is) perceived as better, more attractive, more desirable (and I will say that there is NOTHING wrong with straight, long hair, it is beautiful). But who says that is truth? Society? Should society determine how we feel about the characteristics that God himself has given us? Embracing your natural hair texture (particularly as a black woman) is an issue that can be tricky and challenging, especially if you have grown up believing or subscribing to a certain "idea" of beautiful hair...changing that idea isn't always easy, at least that has been my experience...and I can only speak from my personal experiences. I guess women of other races may have hair issues as well...I just don't know about them first hand.

I believe that most women struggle with body image. Am I too skinny? Am I too fat? Is my butt too big? I wish my legs were longer. I wish I didn't have fat angles. I wish I didn't have a flat chest. Did you notice my back fat? My arms are so chunky! My knees are fat. I can't seem to get rid of my stomach pooch. I wish my thighs didn't jiggle. I could go on an on...and as a woman I'm sure I've said or asked many of these things before. It seems that it's much easier to find our faults than embrace the things that we like about ourselves (if we allow ourselves to even realize what we do like things about ourselves).

I could on to list ways that women struggle with the size of their noses, ears, and lips, the shape of their eyes, the color of their eyes, the shape of their eyebrows, cheekbones, skin tone, and whatever else we find to point out about ourselves in a negative way....but I will spare you.

So, I guess my question really is, what is YOUR beauty? How are YOU beautiful? Not compared to anyone, but what do YOU love about YOU? God has made us uniquely different for a purpose. Not to conform to someone else's perception but to embrace and create our own idea of pretty, gorgeous, beauty, whatever. How boring, boring, boring would it be if we all looked alike, the same size and shape, same hair, skin tone, UGH! So I guess I challenge you (and myself) to find your beauty...Because whether any of us ever admit it or not there is something absolutely gorgeous about us all...sometimes it just takes some time and growth to realize those things for ourselves.

EXHAUSTION

2011-03-07T16:38:00.004-05:00

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

I haven't had the time or energy to blog these days, but I decided to at least post something quick to let you guys know that I am still alive...barely ;-).

These past several months have been a whirlwind of work, work and more work. I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to work 3 jobs at the beginning of the school year. Grant it, I don't work all of them everyday, but the stress of juggling them all has finally begun to break me down.

I keep trying to figure out, how did I become a workaholic? I've known for years that I do in fact like working, but something has gone terribly wrong! Constant headaches, dreams about work, daydreaming about sleep during work and hours upon hours of work (at home) to prepare for work (at work) has slap worm me OUT. I know you may thinking, you have brought all of this on yourself, and yes this is true.

So, something has got to give! My social life is well, pretty much non-existent. Oh, and did I mention that I've been babysitting on top of my 3 jobs, several Saturday nights a month, which I've come to look forward to---pathetic, I know!!! The highlight of my weeks has come down to Connect Four and Go Fish tournaments with a 6 year old on Saturday nights!!!!! I can't help but laugh at myself...heehee.

Operation Get a Life, is going to be in full effect come April (I have some things to do before then before officially getting a life :-) ).

I will say, that I am sooooo appreciative of my jobs. I understand and realize that having one job in this economy is a blessing. I am so blessed. I really am. I just need some balance.

I do have some exciting changes coming my way, which I think will bring some relief to this crazy schedule...well at least I'm hoping.

At the end of the day, I don't want to look back on my life and say "wow, I've sure worked a lot." I want to look back and know that I put forth of an effort to enjoy the life that I have been given. I want to know that I've cultivated relationships with family and friends, taken the time to laugh at myself, taken the time to sit and enjoy doing nothing, taken care of my heart, mind, body and soul and loved and honored God to the best of my ability. That's what life is really about.

Maybe this post wasn't so quick after all :-).

Slip and Slide: An Icy Lesson

2011-01-11T15:00:00.005-05:00

Here in Charlotte it is rather icy today. It has been snowy/icy for the last few days. As a result of my irritation and antsy-ness of suffering from cabin fever I decided to walk to the grocery store (the grocery store is walking distance from my house). I suited up in my puffy jacket, warm hat, extra thick pants, furry boots and I was off. As soon as my foot hit the first patch of "snow" (it wasn't really snow but ice), I realized this was not going to be any normal walk. I slipped down the first few steps of my sidewalk, and thought to myself "surely this will get easier as I continue on." That most certainly was a lie. After 15 minutes of walking, slipping, sliding and stumbling I made it to the store...this walk normally takes at most 5 minutes. I found that walking slowly, cautiously and purposefully provided the best results in my attempt in conquering the snow and ice covered streets and sidewalks. As I walked around the store I kept thinking, "how in the world am I going to make it back home with groceries in tow???" But I was determined. After finishing my shopping, I gave myself the mother of all pep talks and headed back out. Once I began, the slipping, sliding, and stumbling ensued. I finally got somewhat of a stride, but just when I thought I had the hang of things, you've guessed it, BAM! I fell. One of my grocery bags emptied onto the icy sidewalk and I found myself scrambling to pick up my belongings before continuing on my journey. I couldn't help but laugh at myself as I continued to slip and slide home. Even with cautious steps I still had some bumps along the way...

When I got home and reflected on my adventure to the grocery store, I realized that life in general is much like walking to the grocery on ice glazed cement and asphalt. If you live too fast and make decisions too quickly you will slip and fall; if you are more thoughtful and purposeful about making decisions then the likelihood of falling or making a mistake is lessened. And just when you think you've gotten the hang of life and all of it's complexities, you fall on your butt...only to learn a lesson about yourself, about how to plan better, live better, be better. Life is slippery in general. But hey, if you don't venture out, live and take some risks, then you don't get where you need to go...

This year my goal is to take more risks. And with God's help to look beyond my fears so that I can live beyond my fears...to dream more and worry less. I guess I'm gonna have to endure a lot more slipping, sliding, and risk taking to make this happen, but for some reason, I think it will all be worth it :-).

Your Best Moments

2011-01-05T16:50:00.005-05:00

I truly believe that the root of our insecurities and our beliefs about who we are as people stem from some of our worst moments in life. Maybe it was a bad decision you made or maybe someone really important in your life scarred you. Maybe it was a series of bad decisions that not only negatively affected your life but the lives of others. Maybe it was an abortion, an abusive relationship, a lie, neglect, an addiction, betrayal...We all have stories that make us unique. We have experienced things that have shaped us into the people that we are.

Quite often, not only do our mistakes or poor choices influence our perspective of ourselves, but they also affect the way others view us. I think a lot of times people are defined by their worst moment. Honestly I think it's a part of human nature to remember more bad than good. I mean even in pop culture and Hollywood, celebrities are constantly defined by their worst moments. Bill Clinton will forever be an adulterer, Lindsay Lohan will forever be an addict, Mike Tyson will forever be abusive, Jon Gosselin will forever be a dead beat dad. Despite all of the great things that these people may have done, their mess-ups far outshine their successes and good choices. And more often than not, how they recover from these downfalls is not publicized.

But of course this doesn't just happen in Hollywood, but in our own families, in our schools, our churches, our communities. No matter how wonderful a person's past may be, if by some chance they happen to make a "big" mistake and others happen to find out about this mistake, all of their wonderfulness is forgotten. Unfortunately, not only do others forget their wonderfulness but often they forget it as well.

I know this may sound a bit "glass half full" but I think that we should be defined and known by our best moments. We should be defined by how we overcome adversity and bad decision making, instead of how hard we fall when we do mess up. We should be known by our ability to look past our faults and flaws and notice all of the amazing things about who we are. We should be celebrated by how we move past being hurt, being jaded, being mistreated so that we are able to love and be loved again.

We all make mistakes, some go unnoticed while others don't, but deep down we all know the truth. It's easy to not only look at others and be more aware of their ugly parts than the beautiful but it's also sometimes easier to focus on the not so pretty parts of ourselves. And undoubtedly this breeds insecurities, inabilities to connect and love others, and the inability to appreciate the good in someone. We all have scars, some bigger than others, some more painful than others. But...we all deserve to be acknowledged for the best in us, not the worst. We owe it to ourselves to appreciate our "shining moments." :-)

Remember the fabulous aspects about who you are as a person. Focus on how you've overcome all of the mess that life brings. And if by some chance some areas of your life need cleaning up or cleaning out, clean them...so that you can look back and know that you are most certainly not the product of just your mistakes or disappointments, but of how you have handled and persevered despite them.

What's Your Word????

2010-12-30T20:13:00.000-05:00

Today I watched a movie and one of the questions the main character was asked was, what is your word? What word describes you? Not what you do, but who you are at this moment. What word describes your state of mind, your desires, your season in life. After watching this, I was prompted, inspired if you will, to ask myself the same question. What is my word?

The first word that came to mind was…searching. Not searching for truth or God but searching for purpose. I am certain that God has a specially designed “purpose” for my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I am able to completely embrace the reality that he is in control at all times that finding his purpose may become a bit more clear to me. In the past I have created purposes for myself to feel accomplished and fulfilled….to feel busy. But getting things done, is not always purpose. I am guilty of feeling defined by what I do. I work so much that it’s hard not to embrace the mindset that I am my job. I am good at my job, therefore it defines my strengths, my weaknesses, my abilities…you get the picture. But what is so amazing is that God believes in me more than I’ll ever believe in him (I stole that quote from my pastor). He is far more aware of the endless possibilities of me than I ever will be. Trusting Him to bring out all of those possibilities is my job…but often, I trust my own futile attempts at being purposeful, than trusting Him to put me in the right situation to bring out the very best in me. I guess, in a way my word may always be searching. Because within one purpose there more than likely is another…and I’ll always be wondering if I am indeed fulfilling His plan for my life. I want to always be aware enough to look for purpose in every situation and encounter in my life, but of course this will require much thought and effort on my part.

After much more thought I also realized that knowing your purpose, finding your purpose is one thing, but being at peace with it is another. My second word is shalom, the Hebrew word for peace (one word just wasn’t enough!!!). The Hebrew verb, shalom, means to be complete, perfect and full. There is no way to obtain true shalom without the direction of God in my life, for He is peace. I suppose the challenge to all of this is being able to be OK with each transition, each step, each glitch, each glimmer of hope, ach season in my life. Peace isn’t or shouldn’t be determined by circumstances, but by knowing that no matter what, God is good, He knows what’s best and through it all he has my very best interest at heart. However, this is much easier said than lived. Quite often, we allow life and all of the crap that it brings to determine our peacefulness. It’s easier to allow our drama or lack thereof to dictate how we “feel.” So, maybe my word or words should be searching for shalom. Because at the end of the day, no matter my purpose, no matter my situation in life, if I lack I peace, I’m miserable.

So what’s your word? Now that another year has come to an end, maybe this is a great time for you to discover your word…and possibly to discover how to obtain true shalom in your life.

Baggage

2010-11-28T07:34:00.006-05:00

Baggage: The trunks, bags, parcels, and suitcases in which one carries one's belongings while traveling; luggage.

How much baggage have you been carrying around?

As I think back over all of the experiences and relationships I have had there is one thing that has been made very clear to me. When we are involved in close, meaningful relationships or friendships and they end, for some reason we allow people to leave some part of themselves or some part of that relationship with us. We usually don't want the parts of themselves that they leave. But our nature as humans is to pick up whatever they have left (even if it's not so pleasant), throw it in a bag, and carry on to the next relationship or friendship. Maybe they left a fear of trust due to betrayal, we pick that up and throw it right in the bag; maybe they left us with a feeling a bitterness or pain, yep, we pick that up too and put it in the bag as well; maybe they left the fear of loving again, and you've guessed it, we pick that up and squeeze it into our "luggage" also. Before you know it we have 3 suitcases full of emotional baggage and we aren't even aware of it because we have gradually obtained all of it and honestly we've gotten used to dragging it around.

Sometimes these bags are used as defense mechanisms, well, that's what we call it anyway. They prevent us from being hurt, being betrayed, choosing the "wrong" relationship, and so forth. The logical reasoning (or my logical reasoning) is, if you never form bonds with people, they can't hurt you. The moment that you are vulnerable, whether in friendships or romantic relationships, you have given someone the power to hurt you. And although this logic and reasoning is quite true, there is a down-side to this theory. If we have too much baggage, it can either prevent us from continuing to have new, meaningful relationships or damage those new relationships.

As a side note, I will say that we all learn from "bad" relationships and those lessons shouldn't be taken lightly. We should use the wisdom that has come from our mistakes to make better choices. But said wisdom should not, in my opinion, hinder us from establishing new, healthy connections with people.

Since a new year is almost upon us, I was thinking that this may be the opportune time to do some unpacking. I have experienced amazing friendships and relationships that have ended along life's journey, and I have packed a few bags along the way. I recently realized that maybe those bags have gotten in my way. I never realized their weight until now, and I'm tired of carrying them. Maybe you have a few suitcases, trunks, bags, that you have been traveling with as well. I have a hunch that if we let go of all the crap that's in our bags, we will be able to see people in a much better light. No, everyone can't be trusted, but some people can. I think it's worth giving people an honest chance before dismissing them because of the "stuff" you've crammed in your bags--I mean, it's really not their fault that you've been hurt. God has amazing plans for all of our lives, but we can often get in the way of those plans because we're holding on to the past, when all he wants us to do is look forward. He has much better things and people in store for us...he has the best in store for us. But if we don't empty out some of that luggage we might overlook his blessings.

I will appropriately end this post with the profound words of Erykah Badu :-):

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One Day all them bags gone get in your way

So pack light
Pack light
Pack light

Refocus...

2010-10-31T19:47:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt like you are running around and around in circles only to find that nothing significant is really being accomplished? My life has felt like that the past couple of months. I have been working like crazy, busy, rushing, meeting, greeting, trying to sleep and the cycle starts all over again. I haven't had much time to reflect let alone write, but I made a commitment to myself this weekend that I wasn't rushing, I wasn't going to make myself crazy completing work that is still going to be waiting for me on Monday and I most certainly wasn't going to worry about how I was going to "fit" everything in this week. I refused to do it.

Life isn't about fitting it all in. It's not about squeezing the most in, in the smallest amount of time. Of course society, our jobs, and our culture would lead us to believe that more is more. The more you work the better, the harder you work the more successful you become, the more you produce the better you are at your job. But in reality, when we adopt this mindset of living, the big picture is blurred and distorted and we forget why we are living. At the end of the day, when I am old and gray, I most certainly don't want to wake up and say, boy, did I get a lot done. I want to say, I did what God put me on this earth to do...I touched someone's life in a significant way; I looked past all of the busyness of life and focused on what really matters. People, lives, and God, that is what matters. And if I never get all of my paperwork done perfectly, if I never see all of my students in the amount of time that I'm given, if I don't please every employer or co-worker, I want to look back and say I poured my energy into humanity not the busyness of work and life.

Work and life can bog us all down. It can stress us, worry us, drive us crazy, make us cry, make us want to quit...but my time of reflection has helped me to realize that I refuse to turn my life, mind and spirit over to the craziness. I will continue to do my best at serving my students first. That should and will always come first...and if I get behind on paperwork or the miscellaneous things that come along with my job, the fact is, that work will still be there, and I will complete it...eventually. I didn't choose my profession to be a slave to procedures, documentation and unspoken rules, and although it's hard to balance it all, my true passion is helping and loving people, little people and adults. So, that is what I'll do, because they deserve the best of me and if I am not careful, the insignificant things can take my focus and passion away from them.

Balance

2010-08-15T19:20:00.006-04:00

Life is about balancing several aspects all at once. More than likely there are areas of life that take precedence over others. For me, it's work. I find value in working, enjoy completing tasks, and because of the nature of my job I enjoy helping others. But it has often been said that too much of anything can be unhealthy. I am a self proclaimed work-aholic and can easily fall into a routine where I am mostly focused on working, finding more work and figuring out do I need to work even more. My philosophy has been, "If I don't have anything else to do I might as well work." But I am learning that work shouldn't be my number one priority.

This summer I allowed myself to spend a lot of time doing...nothing. I know it sounds a bit lazy, but I knew that it was necessary to take a break from bogging myself down with work and busyness. I sat, I read, I sat, I slept, I spent time with friends, I spent time alone, I prayed, I read some more...There were times that I felt so bored that I thought I might go crazy because I felt so unproductive but now as summer is coming to a close I am so glad that I allowed my mind and body to rest. I needed it more than I realized.

I am slowly figuring out how to prioritize what really matters in life. I am trying to reprogram my brain to understand that cultivating relationships is just as important, if not more, than working and that the healthy relationships that I build and maintain now are what will matter most when I look back over my life. My biggest "problem" in this area is that any type of relationship takes a lot of work, they don't come with a manual, a set formula or list of rules. Each relationship is unique and it takes work and time to create healthy connections with others and the uncertainty of all of that stresses me out. Work is much easier to figure out and execute...but lasting, healthy relationships with others is far more rewarding. I am also realizing that I have dreams and desires outside of my career and it is OK to work towards those as well. It is OK to fail, it is OK to make mistakes, and is most definitely OK to say no...yes, even to another career opportunity. My biggest revelation is that I don't want to be defined by my job or what I do, but who I am.

So, my biggest prayer is that I learn to continue to put life into perspective. To understand that my life doesn't have to be dominated by one aspect but that it can be spread out over several if I make the effort do so. It may take some rearranging and I know that it will be difficult but it will be worth it.

Thank You!!!

2010-07-07T21:09:00.004-04:00

I never thought that I would be quite so personal in a blog post, and although this post contains a level of ambiguity I will be writing about something quite personal to me. Without divulging any names or specifics I really wanted to blog about someone that I met about a year ago that made a profound impact on my life both directly and indirectly. To create a level of fluidity to this post we will call said person "Buzz" (I know the name is ridiculous, but just go with it) versus me annoyingly writing "this person" over and over again.

Have you ever met someone and there was just something about them that made you smile. It doesn't necessarily have to be a person of the opposite sex, but often it is. Either way, I met Buzz and even though I wasn't sure why I was drawn to him, I was. Maybe it was a level of comfort that you seldom find or experience when meeting new people. I didn't expect to meet Buzz. Really, I didn't even expect to like Buzz, I didn't even want to get to know Buzz, let alone connect with him, but I did...despite some of our vast differences. As our interactions progressed, I realized that God had most certainly placed Buzz in my life for a specific purpose. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I don't believe in coincidences. And this meeting was most definitely not by chance and I began to understand the reason this particular person was placed in my life. For the very first time I felt intellectually stimulated, I was challenged to dig deep within myself to fully understand my passion for my faith and belief in God, and most importantly I was treated with a level of respect and dignity that is rare. It was a breath of fresh air. Buzz was a breath of fresh air.

Through Buzz, I also had the privilege of meeting someone else who I have grown very close to and who has extremely blessed my life. I now have a wonderful new friend; which was totally unexpected; but a pleasant surprise to say the least. It is amazing how God uses people to bring together people. Sometimes the best relationships are birthed from weird or unlikely circumstances.

Often our lives are divided into "seasons." Seasons of great joy, sorry, loss, love, growth, success, boredom, chaos...And in each of these seasons, specific people are placed in our lives for specific purposes. Maybe to help us understand ourselves better, to appreciate diversity, to overcome heartache, to overcome hang-ups, to push us to take risks, to understand our true potential in life. Sometimes people are in our lives for just that--a season...while others remain, and others leave and return again. I believe that people are plopped in our lives at just the right time...Which is what happened to me. Buzz was plopped into my life at the perfect time. He taught me that I am worth having the very best in life. I am strong enough to stand up for what I believe in even if it means sacrificing something in return, and most importantly that I should celebrate who I am, because it's OK to be exactly who I am. So, this blog is a thank you of sorts...to Buzz, for inspiring me to be me. And for blessing me in ways that I never imagined and can't fully express in a blog post. Looking back, God has shown me the many ways my life has been enriched, due to our brief, but meaningful connection. So, maybe Buzz will read this and maybe not, but this story was worth telling. I suppose I shared it to urge someone to step out, take a risk and embrace someone "different", because you may be surprised at how God will use the most unsuspecting people to bless your life the most.

Christianity: Hypocritical Reputation?

2010-07-04T07:49:00.003-04:00

Recently, I was watching a documentary about a teenager who was gay. He lived in a very rural town and was being harassed, mistreated, and threatened at his local high school because of his lifestyle. The teachers who worked at the high school turned a blind eye to this behavior and the boy ultimately ended up having to be home schooled because of the cruel treatment. The boy continued to get death threats even after leaving the school. The documentary chronicled the child's mother attempting, begging the school board to implement some type of "diversity training" so that teachers would know how to handle this type of behavior in the schools (which did eventually happen 2 years later). It showed the issues the town was having with not only homosexuals being mistreated but people of different races as well. The documentary also shined a light on various activist groups picketing against the gay lifestyle, saying hurtful things, hateful things in the name of God.

Now, I will preface this blog post by saying that I do not consider myself a gay activist by any means but, I am very passionate about people being treated with dignity and respect, no matter their lifestyle, race, socioeconomic status, or whatever. Watching this documentary not only disturbed me but initiated a downpour of feelings and thoughts that I didn't anticipate. Firstly, I thought about how Christianity is perceived in America in general. I am writing a column for a small Christian newspaper, and while writing it I have had the opportunity to meet all types of people. Interviewing them to get their perspective and opinion on Christianity and church culture. The number one complaint, for a lack of a better term, with people's perception of Christianity is that "Christians and the church in general are hypocritical." I've heard it from both believers and non-believers. From my interviews, I have also met people whose experiences with Christians have been so hurtful that they are totally turned off by the thought of the God, Christ, the church or anything that has to do with the faith. It's disheartening. Secondly, I have realized that often, some controversial issues, such as homosexuality and abortion, are publicly and passionately scrutinized while other issues, are either swept under the rug or ignored. You never see Christian groups (well at least I haven't) picketing against adulterers, thieves, liars, racists, embezzlers, con artists...and the list could go on. It seems somewhat hypocritical to target certain sins, ones that really ruffle the feathers, while ignoring others that don't seem as "bad."

The bottom line is, we are all people. And I am not ashamed to admit my belief in Christ or my passion for spreading his love. But I am ashamed and hurt by the reputation that Christianity has obtained in this country. One could never, ever convince me that screaming in a megaphone as loudly as you can that, "you are damned to hell", will ever inspire anyone to know more about Christianity. One could never convince me that being cruel, heartless, and unwilling to listen and learn about others allows people to see God in you. And lastly one could never convince me that God himself is pleased with people justifying hurtful behavior in his name. It just doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense to treat someone like less than a person because you think that God would have you behave in that manner.

Everyone makes mistakes. No-one is perfect. Christianity is made up of people; people that will never be perfect or always make the right decisions. We really are all trying to make sense of life, which is no easy task. My hope is that we are able to truly understand what brings God joy. My hope is that we as Christians are able to look at someone, no matter who they are and see their humanness, understand that they have feelings and emotions and be sensitive to that. You never know someone's story, you never know what someone has gone through or why someone may be hurting. My hope is that people around this nation, can somehow begin to see more God, than judgment in Christians in general. My ultimate hope is that we will allow God to change our hearts to be more like his, and undoubtedly that change will be reflected in how we touch the lives of others.

Matthew 7:3-5

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

I Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Now abide faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Philippians 2:3-4

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Insomnia...My Worst Nightmare, No Pun Intended

2010-07-02T07:37:00.004-04:00

Insomnia: an inability to sleep; chronic sleeplessness. Well folks, there you have it. I have insomnia, which is really nothing new. I have struggled with sleeping or not sleeping, particularly at night for some years now, and quite honestly it drives me crazy. I know some of you may be asking, why don't you just take Unisom, or Benadryl to help you fall asleep? I have tried that...and, well my friends, I know some of you may not believe this but you can become dependant on sleep aids, yes, even over the counter ones and my overall goals in life do not include becoming a junky. So, what do I do? Well, I have tried natural sleep aid supplements, counting sheep, praying, journaling, and well talking to myself. All of these techniques have failed to give me a much needed, much desired good night's rest.

I do have times, clusters of days, here and there where I sleep quite soundly, but for the most part, I am up around 3 or 4 and don't normally dose off again until around 5:30, only to wake back up again around 7. And mind you, I don't go to sleep until around midnight (my bedtime has progressively gotten later as well). I would love to blame this on having mounds and mounds of innovative writing ideas...ideas so innovative that my mind just has to get them out onto paper before resting...but that is not the case. I do have quite a few conversations with God during this time, good, meaningful conversations because, hey, what's there to distract me then? Absolutely nothing. And I am sure these conversations are beneficial and much needed, but I'm wondering if God could schedule me in during the day. I'm not asking for a late morning time, just some time between maybe 7 and 8. Is that too much to ask? Maybe so...who knows. I try not to nap during the day (I am not normally tired when I first wake up but begin to fade in the afternoon) because I am fearful that I won't sleep during the night, but I have come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter if I nap or not because, guess what? I am GOING TO WAKE UP ANYWAY!!!!

All I know is that I hope that I can one day figure out how to sleep on a consistent basis all night long...or for at least 6 hours straight without my eyes popping wide open at 3:04 or 3:21 or 4:12 or whatever the designated time is for that particular night. So, if I appear a little loopy, disoriented or disinterested in being awake, don't mind me, it's just because I haven't had much sleep in several days. And from my knowledge of basic human needs, the body needs to sleep in order to function appropriately. I don't know if you can sense my frustration, but I am indeed frustrated...frustrated indeed. UGH!

Keep It Moving!!!

2010-06-27T11:39:00.003-04:00

I don't believe in coincidences. I know some of you may think it is a bit ridiculous to adopt this mindset, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Each gain or loss in life has a purpose, but quite frankly sometimes, it's hard to see that purpose. Sometimes losing a friend, a relationship, a career, a house, a family member...you get the picture, just doesn't make sense; sometimes the lesson that is intended to be learned really isn't evident no matter how you look at the situation. And unfortunately, when experiencing loss and disappointment it's hard to gather up enough courage to continue to trust God to fulfill certain hopes and dreams in all aspects of life.

Today at church our pastor spoke about moving forward with God's plan in mind versus our own. He also said something that profoundly spoke to me. I am paraphrasing of course, but he said that once something is over...well, it's over--a relationship, a career, even sometimes your vision for your life. He stated that living in the past, hoping for the past, can prevent us from fully experiencing God's future and plans for us...It can keep us, stuck, stagnant. He also expressed, (really the main point of his talk today in my opinion) that even though a dream has died, even though life's circumstances (for a lack of a better term) has ended a relationship, a marriage or even a plan that you have invested your life in, doesn't mean that you give up living, praying, seeking God, dreaming or imagining for the future. Because more than likely God has something better for you planned. God has something, someone, some place, more suited for your life.

I don't know about you, but some of my dreams and hopes just haven't panned out. For one reason or another things just didn't work out. These losses have made me feel unmotivated to continue to dream in certain areas of my life, because I have experienced disappointment...sometimes disappointment so great that the risk of trying again didn't or doesn't seem worth it. Quite honestly, I have felt like that lately, unmotivated to hope or dream in a few areas of my life, but today, well, God used Naeem (my pastor) to say to me, get off of your butt! Keep it moving!!! Keep living, envisioning, imagining!!! Let go of the past! Let go of the disappointment and realize that I have something even better for you, something that is not only going to bring you joy but bring me joy as well. Hoping, dreaming, and allowing myself to breath life again into certain parts of my life is most definitely scary because of the fear of failure, the fear of being let down, the fear of being hurt. But I will say that risking a let down in order to see God's best manifested in all aspects of my life is worth it. His plans, as I have learned, are always far better than any that I can conjure up. He has a much bigger imagination and most importantly, he knows not only what I need, but what I want.

Forgiveness

2010-06-13T11:45:00.002-04:00

I used to think that being unforgiving was a good defense mechanism...a way to protect myself from ever being hurt again. Because when you forgive...truly forgive, in essence you are saying I have accepted that you hurt me...I have accepted that you have negatively affected my life, but I chose to let go of the anger and resentment that I have been holding on to. It is a security blanket around your heart in some way, protecting it from experiencing that kind of pain from another person again.

But my perception has changed. God is changing how I view forgiveness and it's beauty.

I am learning that forgiveness is freedom. Freedom from holding on to negative, hurtful, nasty feelings towards another person. Freedom from having that anger fester and grow to a point where my opinion about a specific person, negatively affects my opinions about others prior to getting to truly know them. My argument has always been, "but God, they don't deserve forgiveness. They don't deserve to be pardoned from their mistakes. They aren't even apologetic!" But the point of forgiveness is letting go whether someone deserves it or not. Quite honestly, who deserves forgiveness? Do we? When we've hurt someone, offended someone, betrayed someone? No, we don't because the offense has already been made. The damage is done...whether we feel bad about it or not.

I think God is showing me, teaching me that even after our offenses, He forgives, when we come to him with a repentant heart. He is teaching me that forgiveness is one of the main components of truly loving another. So, why shouldn't we has humans adopt that same mindset? Because it's not in our human nature to happily and cheerfully forgive someone when we have been hurt deeply...whether friend or foe. It's not in our human nature to not want to protect ourselves from being hurt again. But, I am convinced, that through his power He can lead us to a place where we are able to truly forgive...After all, forgiving prevents us from building walls around ourselves, and from becoming bitter and cynical towards life and people. It gives our hearts permission to continue to love, to continue to connect, to continue to...forgive.

Colossians 3:13 (New Living Translation)

13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Reflections of 2009-10

2010-06-10T21:55:00.002-04:00

What a year (audible sigh). My year begins in August and ends in June...unlike those of you who work in the real world whose year begins in January and ends in December...that is the life of a public school employee, I suppose. I will admit this school year, really this year in general, has been difficult. Filled with lots of challenges, but I have learned. I have grown and that is what's most important about life's experiences. Personally, I have also had a rough year. I would call this year, a year of loss...a year of learning patience...a year of being OK with not having all of the answers. Throughout the last 10 months I have come to the sad realization that I am not in control. But this has been a good lesson for me.

So, at the end of this school year I am a bit uncertain about where my life is headed. I have no big plans, no innovative ideas...I am just waiting. Waiting for God to take me to my next destination. I have spent enough of my life attempting to plan every step and stage and it has exhausted me. I have learned to let go of thinking that I know what is best for me...I have learned to only rest in the fact that God never changes, but life does and that is OK.

Looking back I am appreciative for so many things that have occurred this year...

job challenges
laughter of friends
heartbreak
family hardships
gaining new friends
letting go of people, ideas, and dreams that I thought were best for me
learning to trust others
letting go of worrying about what others think
learning to trust myself
continuing to appreciate and love the person that God has created me to be
learning to let go of expecting certain people in my life to be something their simply not capable of being at this time

All of it has prepared me to keep on moving...keeping on trusting God's character...and His impeccable ability to take craziness, pain, joy and laughter and make us the people we are. After all we need both negative and positive to make us interesting, wise, patient, compassionate, understanding...So, in retrospect, I am grateful for each tear, laugh, inconvenience, moment of peace and all of the other things that have come together to create 2009-2010...I am a better person because of it all.

3 Word Random Thoughts

2010-06-06T13:40:00.002-04:00

Because I can be a bit "wordy" at times I thought I would challenge myself to creating a list of random thoughts containing 3 words or less...So here we go!

1) I love cherries!

2) Imperfections are gorgeous.

3) Flowers are amazing.

4) Men are...men.

5) I like breeze.

6) God surprises me.

7) Children are joy.

8) Wisdom is priceless.

9) Kindness is necessary.

10) Trust is earned.

11) Appreciation is appreciated.

12) Experience breeds wisdom.

13) Mistakes create strength.

14) Pain is inevitable.

15) Love is welcomed.

16) I am content.

17) Simplicity is key.

18) Patience creates character.

19) Dare to dream.

20) Dare to love.

21) Dare to dare.

22) Embrace something new.

23) Embrace someone new.

24) Relish silence.

25) Breathe.

26) Live.

27) Risk.

28) Think.

29) Read.

30) Grow.

31) Sunsets are breathtaking.

32) I am quirky.

33) I love books!

34) Surprise someone.

35) Embrace constructive criticism.

I like Days When...

2010-05-15T14:03:00.002-04:00

Everything just seems right. Not because of anything in particular, but life just seems in balance for just that day. Maybe it has something to do with attitude or perspective, but today is one of those days. All of the little stuff doesn't matter. The bills, the chores, the errands, the emails to return, the dishes to put away. None of that is really that important on days like today, when I am totally content relaxing, enjoying the smallest, minute parts of my life and appreciating all of life's blessings. On days like today I am able to focus on what really makes me tick, what really makes me happy, not on what is stressing or frustrating me. On days like today I do what I want, not what I have to, and feel no obligation to appease anyone just for the sake of being compliant.

I'm comfortable in my skin on days like today...more so than usual, and I could care less about what people think about the decisions that I make, my hair, my body, my clothes or any of the other superficial things that people like to pass judgement about. On days like today I know that God's opinion is the only one that matters and that in the grand scheme of life I am so super duper blessed it's ridiculous. I am acutely aware of the importance of my friends and family and just want to spend time enjoying who they are in my life.

I'm not even sure how these days happen to come about, but I love them. Maybe I could make them occur more often if I make a conscience effort to do so...by putting life into perspective and choosing to focus on the big picture instead of getting bogged down my the minor details. Being at peace with yourself and life at any stage is such a blessing. I guess these days are peaceful days and I am going to put forth an effort to make sure they continue to happen more often than not.

Letting Go...

2010-05-12T19:04:00.005-04:00

I am letting go of who I thought I should be, where I thought I should be, and how I thought I should get there. Life is this unpredictable thing that most certainly brings change and if you aren't prepared for it, you can be knocked off of your feet. I am letting go of expecting people to be anything but just that...people. I am letting go of the idea of perfection, because the most beautiful things are imperfect, scarred and battered. I am letting go of the idea that everyone should be reliable, tolerant, compassionate, prompt and honor their word. I am embracing the fact that this world is comprised of all different types of people, prompt ones, late ones, open and closed minded ones, responsible, irresponsible and so forth and this world is much more interesting with a variety of personality types, habits, and hang-ups.

I am letting go of the hope that everyone is being honest, that I'm always being honest with myself (because I'm not) and no one ever has ulterior motives. I am embracing the reality that not everyone agrees with or understands my beliefs regarding, faith, God, and spirituality...but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't respect my religion. I am letting go of the hope that some will change in time. I am giving them to God, and embracing the harsh reality that no matter how much you want someone to change, no matter how much potential you see in someone, no matter how much you love someone, they are the only ones that have the power to change themselves.

I am letting go of what I think should be and embracing what is. I am letting go of the anxiety of what might be and anticipating the great things that God has in store. I am letting go of what I think is best for me and reluctantly coming to the conclusion that I am not always right :-). I am letting go of being afraid to hope for the best and embracing the freedom to dream, hope, and expect the wonderful things that life and God have to offer.

My American Dream...

2010-05-06T18:49:00.004-04:00

What's your American dream? It is almost always assumed that most people want to marry, have children, succeed in the career of their choice and live happily ever after. Not necessarily in that order but all of those components typically embody what most people say or think they want out of life. And quite frankly I think that the traditional American dream...life dream, whatever you call it, is beautiful. I love the institution of marriage, the dynamics of family units and I truly do believe that one can find fulfillment and happiness in a career.

I guess I've brought up the topic of the "American dream" because as one becomes older (i.e., me) people (i.e., my family) begin to wonder what's happening with my "American dream"; they express concern about various parts of it being missing (i.e., the husband and children parts). And honestly it can become rather...overwhelming. I am content in my singleness, my freedom is priceless and if it's meant to be, I suppose the husband and children will come. My career is very fulfilling, I have grown to love what I do, love the children that I work with and have learned so much about myself and others because of it. But a part of me, the defiant, non-traditional part of me knows that people's visions and ideas of their lives don't always encompass all of the aforementioned components of the assumed "American dream." What if my dream isn't to have children or a husband but to backpack around the world in solitude, writing, exploring or meeting new people; what if my dream is to submerge myself in my career, further my education, and find contentment spending time with friends and family; what if my dream is to become a nun, or a single parent or a struggling artist and musician?

I'm just saying, that one shouldn't assume that just because your idea of what life should look like doesn't coincide with how my life looks something is terribly wrong or that I am terribly miserable. I hate being placed in a box. I loathe people placing their ideas of how life should be upon me. I am most certain that I have the right to choose how my life, my American dream should play out. And I am not writing this to say that I want to be a backpacking, nomad who doesn't want to marry or procreate, I'm just saying that a girl has choices. And it's OK if those choices don't mesh with what tradition says creates happiness. It's only fair to give people ample time for their lives to take flight...to run their course. I'm not interested in rushing to make the most important decisions in life. Life will unfold the way that it is supposed to...with whom it is supposed to and in the order that it should. My American dream is to love who I am, love what I do, and love the people that I am surrounded by...and if by chance God happens to bless me with a life mate and offspring along the way, that's wonderful, and if not...well, I'm OK with that too...He knows what I need, when I need it and I am content in trusting that he knows how my American dream should unfold.

Tomorrow is Not Promised...

2010-04-28T05:22:00.003-04:00

It seems so unoriginal and cliche' to begin a blog post with the saying..."tomorrow is not promised", but lately I have been thinking a lot about being sure to make the most of each day and telling the people in my life how I feel about them. I am a firm believer that honesty is probably one of the most vital aspects of any type of relationship. Without it, there is no transparency or authenticity to your connection with another person. Sometimes honesty is one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship as well.

I hate confrontation. Hate it, hate it, hate it! Especially if I have to tell someone that they've hurt me, done something wrong, or even if I have to remind someone that they owe me money or something like that. It's just something that makes me so uncomfortable. But I have learned that if I hold hurt, or anger, or frustration in, it slowly builds resentment. It's a gradual thing and before I know it I am irritated at the very thought of that person and it's not their fault that I haven't expressed to them my feelings...It's my own. I have also realized that if I know that I have wronged someone, hurt them, offended them, or been disloyal, it is my responsibility to confront them and ask for forgiveness. There is another side to this being truthful thing and that is expressing positive feelings to the people that you care about as well. I have seen and experienced relationships fall apart simply because one or both parties didn't make the other feel needed, important or valued. It's much easier for me to tell the people that are close to me how important they are to my life. But, on a few occasions I have allowed friendships and relationships to slip away simply because I had become lazy or unaware of just how important someone was to me...particularly if I felt that those same feelings weren't being reciprocated. It's a crappy feeling to realize that someone means more to you than you ever meant to them. But in some cases it's OK to have that unequal balance of feelings towards each other. I suppose it makes the one who "feels more" to appreciate being truly loved by others when in other relationships and quite possibly it allows the one who "feels less" to realize that they are indeed worth loving and being cared for.

I've said all of this to say that I am making more of an effort to be honest with the people in my life, whether good or bad. Because that honesty helps to bring forgiveness, restoration, unity and joy in the relationships that mean the most to me. It is often true that sometimes the truth hurts (this blog is packed full of cliches'), but I believe that that pain can bring a better connection between two people. In a lot of situations honesty clears the air and brings others closer together. Tomorrow is truly not promised and really we can only live for the time that we have right now. And I believe that sometimes it's better to tell people how you feel now, then waiting for a moment when quite possibly it's too late. The reality of life is that people die, move on, and in some cases if a situation is bad enough people will quite frankly cut you off and the opportunity to express love, express hurt, or ask for forgiveness is lost. I have experienced that "it's too late" moment and it sucks. So, pushing pride aside, I am willing to step outside of myself and comfort zone to be honest with those around me. I am fully aware that I don't have a lifetime to tell people how I feel about them. I am willing to take advantage of the moments I have right now to do so...and hopefully the same will be done to me in return.

Wedding Vows

2010-04-25T06:42:00.003-04:00

This weekend, I attended the wedding of one of my close friends. The weather was beautiful, the bride and groom looked stunning and they were surrounded by not only loving friends and family but the amazingly breathtaking view of the ocean (just as a side note, when I look at the ocean and all of it's grandness, it's size, the systematic tidal system, I have a hard time understanding how one could deny God...). One of the most special portions of the wedding was when the pastor explained what marriage meant; not what it legally meant to be married but what it meant to God. I am paraphrasing, but he stated that marriage is a covenant not a contract; it's not an agreement two people enter with expectations of failure, but rather a commitment to God and each other that they will choose to always love and fight for that love no matter what. A commitment that even when you don't feel like loving, when you feel like giving in you continue to seek God, seek each other and work things out. He explained to the couple that there would be times in their marriage that would simply be hard; times when they would not "feel" in love. And one of the most profound things he probably said was that marriage does not fulfill people (which I already knew), it does not satisfy all of one's needs, only God can truly fill up all the empty places in one's heart.

After hearing all of the vows, and the detailed explanation of marriage, it dawned on me how major of a decision saying "I do" really is. You don't make many lifelong decisions: marriage, children and faith, are the only 3 that I can think of that have major, lasting implications on the outcome of your life (I guess I could say tattoos, but really that's not that life changing, at least, not in my opinion). I realized that when or if, I get married, I should be certain that I am making the right decision. Recognizing and choosing the person designed specifically for me. I am already one who does not believe in settling, I don't think we were designed to settle, God wants the very best for us. But loving someone, is not the only criteria that needs to be met to make this lifelong commitment. Marriage is probably one of the most complex yet exhilarating choices one can make; causing both excitement and shear terror for some, I suppose.

When I was younger, I never thought of marriage as a covenant, and quite honestly I didn't use the word covenant up until recently to describe it either. The older I become the more serious the reality of marriage becomes to me. Really, it freaks me out a bit to make a commitment to a person, that I know is going to in some way let me down, hurt me, say things that drive me crazy, and expect me to forgive him each time. But I know that my relationship and commitment to Christ is the same. He doesn't ever let me down, but I'm sure I don't make all the right decisions and let him down, but the beautiful thing about him is that he doesn't expect me to be perfect, or not mess up...he simply asks for my love and commitment. My pastor explained it best, he said that Christ dying on the cross for us was Jesus saying, I am committing to being faithful to you, knowing that you are going to be unfaithful to me. How many of us would make that vow? (I paraphrased because I can't remember the exact quote) And I know that when we marry or even with family members and close friends he (Christ) would like for us to follow that lead and do the same. To commit for life, knowing that people are going to mess up, we are going to hurt the ones we love in some way or another, and we are all going to need forgiveness, but that is what loving someone is truly about; forgiving, accepting, and growing closer. So maybe the idea of marriage isn't so freaky, it's actually one of the most beautiful unions in this life. I am certain it is not easy, but well worth it, to truly know what it means to chose to love someone despite their faults; chose to stay when everything in you wants to walk away; chose to love when it hurts. That takes true commitment.

Friendship, more thoughts...

2010-04-24T22:29:00.004-04:00

This journey of life has taken me down many paths. Confronted me with many experiences; and interjected people along the way. It's hard to go along in life without connecting with people. I suppose that is why we long for human contact and companionship. Through various seasons in life different people appear or re-appear for one reason or another. I have been extremely blessed with the people that I have encountered in life. My friends are so precious to me. I don't have tons of close friends, but the ones that I do have are my family. They bring out the best in me, make me want to be more than I am, bring me laughter, joy and sometimes even tears. There is something so special about natural friendship...effortless friendship, friendships that make you feel like after only 2 weeks you've known that person for years. It's really an amazing thing. There is also something very heartbreaking about having to release a friendship not because it lacks connection but because it's in the best interest of both parties at the time.

I have chosen to maintain friendships with the people in my life who bring out the very best in me. Meeting new people often is an unnatural thing for me because developing friendships require trust. And my motto is often "who can you trust" (a bit cliche', I know). In the past I really didn't place a lot of value on friendship because I didn't want to allow someone in my life that had the potential to hurt me. I had a brick wall up that was at least a foot thick and it took some real chiseling to get through that bad boy! It's easy to show people who you think they want to see but when it gets down to the nitty gritty of things, the real you, the ugly parts, the not so pleasant parts, it's difficult to reveal that to someone. But when you meet someone with whom you can be yourself, it's such a breath of fresh air. Now, as I have gotten older my perspective on friendship has changed. I value friendship so much more. My prayer is often that I meet people that I genuinely connect with and people who don't expect anything from me except me being myself.

I am learning that meeting people, making friends and being vulnerable is not going to kill me... even if I get hurt. You can learn something from everyone. Even people who are a bit shady. Over the past year, I have probably met some of the most amazing people. People that I will never forget. People that I don't necessarily talk to on a regular basis or some not at all, but people that I admire, respect and will always love...people who have touched my life in such a way that they have left a lifelong imprint on my heart and in my mind. Quite frankly this past year has been one of THE biggest learning experiences I have had. I allowed myself to open up and take in all each encounter had to offer. I am also learning that meeting new people doesn't always mean making new friends, but rather gaining new perspective...eliminating some of the ignorance you might have about a certain lifestyle, opinion, or culture. And eliminating some of the boundaries you may have set upon yourself regarding the type of people you like or don't. And man is that worth it. So, I am continuing to make new friends, meet new people and learn. When you allow people to teach you about life and about yourself, life becomes fuller. God made us all uniquely, and I would even go as far as to say that he made us uniquely to fit together with certain people, kind of like puzzle pieces. And each piece of the puzzle, makes this picture of life a little more clearer, more special. So I am grateful for people. Grateful for who God has placed in my life, really just grateful.

On the Border Waitress

2010-04-11T07:42:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I went to On the Border to enjoy a nice, quiet lunch. Well, after being seated I met my waitress. I don't remember her name but she was smiling, really, really big. And I thought to myself, "wow, her smile kind of creeps me out." I know that sounds terrible but it was true. Her smile was just so...BIG. She was super nice, and accommodating and brought my drink and food out in a timely fashion...with the larger than life smile placed across her face. She didn't check on me too much but enough so that I could ask for anything if I needed it. I kept thinking is she really THAT happy or is she just smiling that big because it's her job. I was perplexed. When she brought my check to the table, she also brought a large "to go" drink and of course her smile. She then began to ask me about the book I was reading, "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller. We had a rather interesting conversation, a genuine conversation about the book, the author and God; and it dawned on me that she really was trying to be nice to me, to not only do her job, but to make my dining experience there as pleasurable as possible. And after paying more attention to her words and demeanor I just knew that she was being authentic.

I started to feel so badly! UGH! I can be rather cynical and jaded at times. I'm not a cheery, bubbly, smiley kind of person, so when I meet someone like that, I do an internal eye roll, and think "oh give me a break! You are NOT that happy!" But you know what, people are "that" happy. Overflowing with happiness and joy and smiles. And I think I need to learn to appreciate that in others (and maybe embrace some of that joy myself). They are really a blessing in this world. They bring sunshine to us thinking, cynical, not so cheery people (if we let them). Of course the world would be unbearable if it were comprised of only one type of person...and I am grateful that we are all made uniquely different. Some of us to bring cheer, others insight, and others wisdom. We all can learn and take something from each other. God designed us that way. To seek out each other, to learn from each other. It's rather humbling to admit that you need someone to teach you something about yourself, but I kind of believe that's part of our roll as humans; to teach others about themselves by being nothing like them and like them all at the same time.

Not that I'm Counting...but

2010-04-09T07:36:00.003-04:00

ONLY 43 more school days left until summer break! Yay! It's been one crazy year. I thought I would have posted some "kid stories" by now, but while in the middle of the craziness, I forget about posting them. This week I've had some time to think about all that's gone on throughout this year and wanted to share a few stories because they have made me laugh; my students are the main reason I love and do my job...let's see:

1) During class one day, a student and I were sitting on the floor working diligently on a task and all of a sudden (without warning) he threw up blueberries, big bluish, reddish blueberries! I thought surely I am going to throw up, I am most certainly going to throw up, but I didn't! I pleasantly surprised myself, I was able to help him get cleaned up and everything without freaking out or dry heaving! But I did have to throw away the rug and all of the materials he was using because just the thought of old puke being on them didn't sit well with me. YUCK!

2) One of my students asked me, are you married? No, I replied. Do you have any kids? Again, I replied no. Why not? I just don't. Well you need to get some kids or a daddy, you must be lonely! I just laughed and thought to myself, um, thanks little 5 year old for your perspective on my life's happiness and fulfillment.

3) I was waiting after school with a student one day and he was eating some Starbursts. I asked, is your candy good? He said, yes, do you want one? I said sure. What color do you want he asked? I said. Um, I'll take the pink. He turned to look at me, thought for a second and said, my mind is telling me to share with you another day. I just smiled and said OK. He finished off the Starbursts alone.

4) During class, one of my students asked, does snot really come out of your nose when you sneeze? I said yes, if there's any in there it will definitely fly right out. He said, well every time I sneeze I'm gonna hold my head back like this, because that is gross. I laughed to myself and said, OK, that's a good idea.

5) At the end of our lesson, one of my middle school students asked me, why don't you ever pick me up on the weekends? I said, from your house? That is simply not an option, I will never pick you up on the weekends. He said, why not? I'll do all the speech work you want me to then. I said you have to do your work during school hours not on the weekends. He just responded, man, I wish you would just come pick me up on the weekends. I said, that will never happen.

6) After picking up one of my Kindergartners I told him what we were going to work on that day and he said, no, no, no, no I don't want to do that. I said well, you don't really have a choice. Forcefully he replied, well I QUIT! I said you can't quit, you have to do your work. He said, well YOU'RE FIRED! You can't fire me, I responded. He cooled off and finally did his work, but I thought it was funny that he thought that he could fire me :-).

(That's all for now, I'm sure I have more that I've forgotten about. If something else funny or crazy happens during the remainder of the year I'll make sure to post it).

Sometimes work can be crazy, stressful and we can lose sight of what's important and why we do what we do (especially those of us who work with children). I have found that even when my personal life is not so great, when I go to work and start working with my students, for that part of the day my mind is focused elsewhere. The innocence, laughter, hard work and not so hard work of the students fills and often brightens my day and I am so grateful for that!

Over-analytical, who me?

2010-04-07T20:00:00.002-04:00

Are you analytical? A thinker, an observer, a "figure it outer?" I am...I think and think and well, just keep on thinking. I dissect and tear apart everything. I would even say I am obsessed with thinking. Asking why and how, and when and what if. It can be quite consuming, if I am being completely honest. I've been thinking (of course I have!) a lot about maybe not thinking as much (which is going to take a lot of effort), as crazy as that sounds because it has and continues to literally suck the joy out of living. Let's take a look at a true life example...

I was invited to a wedding by someone that I was dating. It was the first (and only) wedding that I had ever attended with a date. So, naturally I was nervous and anxious. So anxious that my mind began to spin out of control thinking of all the possibilities of what should, would, could, or might happen at this wedding. Should I wear this type of dress or another-and what does this dress really say about me? Do I look too matronly is it too low cut? What will his friends think of me? Make up or no make up? Closed toe shoes or open toe? Glasses or maybe not? How should I answer questions? Will they think I'm smart or funny? What if they ask about this or that? OH! I hope I don't get all sweaty because I'm so nervous! Analyzing and thinking weeks before the wedding even took place. By the time the wedding rolled around I had thought about all of the possibilities of what might happen or what people may have thought, that I had a difficult time fully enjoying myself. Which really sucks!

I'm not sure why I'm so analytical (and maybe a bit anxious) and have the tendency to over think everything. I guess I need to keep thinking about that one...hahahaha! But seriously, I do believe that a part of it is wanting to please, feel accepted and be liked. We all desire that in life in some way or another. But what I am slowly learning during my adult life (I guess I am a real adult now) is that being myself is the safest bet. If I can calm down enough, stop trying to figure everything out and just commit to being myself, things usually pan out well. Life is lighter, I smile more and I have so much more fun! I don't know if I was truly able to be myself at the wedding mentioned above, but I did learn that the next time I was put in that type of situation I wouldn't think about the "what ifs" as much. I would focus on being myself and if people didn't like it, then they just didn't like it. Everyone isn't going to like me and that's OK, because I don't like everyone. I'm certain that I am going to continue to over analyze somethings and sometimes that is healthy, but maybe I won't over analyze myself as much. I want my life to be full of joy, happiness and positive memories. I want to remember laughing instead of worrying, enjoying instead of figuring and out and connecting with people instead of isolating myself out of fear. Being myself will definitely allow me to live a fuller more enjoyable life. And that's the kind of life I want.

It's not all about me...

2010-04-03T23:20:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had the opportunity of a lifetime, or so you thought? Maybe it was your dream job, the "perfect" relationship, a promotion at work, or an unexpected check in the mail. The opportunity comes and you feel like, finally this is it! It's MY time to shine, to marry, to buy that "thing", whatever that "thing" is, to climb the corporate ladder. God is blessing ME! And boom! There's a glitch, a problem an unexpected twist. You lose the job, your new boss is unbearable, your co-worker annoys every fiber in your body, that person isn't the person you thought they were, or that relationship isn't what you thought it was...your car breaks down, your heat doesn't work or you have the opportunity to give to a charity or someone in need and all of a sudden deciding how to spend your extra money isn't as simple or fun.

Life throws us unexpected situations in life, often to teach us a lesson, often to show us something about ourselves that we hadn't noticed before. I have been thinking about some of the unexpected occurrences in my life and the way they have played out. And I have realized that sometimes when I thought I was being given an opportunity or walking into a situation that was going to be positive and only teach me a lesson-professionally, personally, or relationally, God placed people in my path that may have needed to discover something about themselves as well. Sometimes for the life of me I can't think of one lesson I've learned from a situation that has gone badly, and it dawns on me...It's not always about me. Sometimes, I have realized God is using me...using us to help someone out. Often God knows that we can handle a little disappointment (or a huge disappointment) in order to inspire someone, show someone that people do really care about people, give when we'd rather not and most importantly show them the love of God. Sometimes he trusts us with a mission that isn't going to be pleasant for us, but in turn someone else can be blessed.

It's difficult to step out of the mindset that each and every experience is about us learning about ourselves. I do believe that if we dig really deep we can find a lesson in all of our encounters, but maybe it's not always about digging deep to find that nugget or speck of wisdom. Maybe, just maybe God is saying this time just go where I tell you and do what I asked because someone needs to see me in you. I guess that's really an honor. To be used by God in that way. To be trusted by God in that way. Our job, I suppose is to keep our eyes open to those opportunities during the times that life just doesn't make sense. Of course he is developing us, but more often than not he is pushing us to look beyond ourselves and tap into what others need as well. Benevolence can be inconvenient sometimes, kindness, sacrifice, and obedience can hurt, but as we push through the discomfort we can almost always see something bigger than ourselves.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Never say Never...

2010-03-22T18:47:00.003-04:00

It's so easy to say I would NEVER do that, or I will NEVER let my life take that path or I would NEVER say that, be that, feel that, agree with that, support that, understand that...until you're faced with "that."

As a society, as human beings we all have moral compasses, whether you're a Christian or have specific religious beliefs or not, we all have a set of "rules" that we life our lives by. We all have passionate opinions about moral and social issues. Typically when someone or something opposes those opinions we openly or silently judge their behavior or opinion...but I have learned that it is much easier to judge someone's life when it's not your own. It's easy to judge someone's decision making process when you haven't had to walk in their shoes, feel their emotions or encounter the circumstances of their lives.

It's easy to say I would never have an abortion, until you're raped and impregnated; or I would never, ever get a divorce until your husband or wife has abused you and cheated on you more times than you can count; or that you would never be on welfare or accept governmental assistance until you are laid off, your house is about to be foreclosed and you have simply tapped out of resources; it's easy to say I would NEVER marry him/her until you're forty and single and still have a desire for companionship and a family. It's also rather simple to judge the homeless or those who are illegal immigrants, until the issues hit close to home, until you lose your job, a close family member becomes addicted to drugs and drains the family financially leaving you with no where to go but the streets...Until you visit a 3rd world country and see the poorest of poor living conditions, the lack of resources to support one's family or the unsanitary drinking water, then maybe one could possibly understand the feeling of desperation and the desire to want a better life for your family by any means.

Judging is simple if it isn't you who are faced with the hard decisions in life. Decisions are complex. They require weighing pros and cons, praying, consulting, thinking, crying, laughing, surviving. As we make the decisions that are sure to shape our lives, sometimes we realize that maybe "that" issue isn't so black and white after all. Maybe if we flip the situation and look at it from a different perspective we can understand someone's thought process, decision making, and maybe even get a little glance into their heart.

I know that there are people out there in the world with shady intentions and ill intent. But I also know that there are people who simply just want to survive. They want to make good choices, want healthy lives for their families, and just want a chance to make it. And although we are all guilty of judging others because of our opinions, moral compasses or experiences I truly do believe that life is just hard. We are all human. And although sometimes it seems so much easier to condemn before we love, maybe we could give it a shot. If our responses to others is to love them first, despite what choices they have made or what craziness life has thrown their way, I am most certain that we would be able to see the commonalities before the differences. Doesn't God choose to see us that way? He looks far beyond our choices, our opinions and just loves us first. I guess what I am saying is, you never know where life is going to take you. You never know what decisions you will be forced to make and when you may need a little grace and compassion from someone. So, I guess I am challenging myself (and you if you're up for the challenge) to see people through compassionate eyes, because I never know what road they've walked, what battles they've fought or the pain they have endured. I'll try to see people as just that, people, because one day I may very well be in their shoes.

Super Blessed

2010-03-09T19:54:00.003-05:00

The earth is the Lord's and everything in it...Psalm 24:1

Our church has a mission team in Uganda as we speak and I have been following their blog entries. The entries have been extremely powerful and most importantly have blessed me in so many ways...opened, or re-opened my eyes to the power, faithfulness, and love of Christ. Visiting an underdeveloped country stricken with poverty, lacking medical resources, and struggling with hunger is a life changing experience...a perspective changing experience, and reading about our team's time in Uganda has reminded me of the lessons and blessings that are taught during mission trips...

When you are exposed to extreme poverty, money, possessions, and materialistic desires are pretty much put in check. There is something extremely powerful about walking into a mud hut or a hut made out of scrap materials, with no water, no electricity, no floors, doors, or windows, no plumbing...just walls, ceilings and floors. Or holding a child who hasn't bathed or had his diaper changed for days, looking at small feet that are blistered and cut because shoes just aren't a necessity, or seeing hopelessness in a mother's eyes who can't feed her children. The smell, the touch, the up close human experience is simply unforgettable. It makes you realize that we are so super blessed. Blessed beyond we can imagine. and the most beautiful thing about engaging and meeting people in these countries is seeing the joy and contentment in some of their eyes. What is even more amazing is the faith and love they have in God. He is their resource. He is all they have.

But something strange happens when you return to America. Initially, you are so super pumped about preserving resources, not being wasteful, you are acutely aware of how blessed and almost excessive your life is in the U.S. It is really an amazing feeling. You are PASSIONATE! But time ticks on...and your passion slowly fades and before you know it, you aren't as conscientious about being wasteful, or as grateful of the small things in life...Life in some ways reverts back to the way things were (not for everyone, I'm just speaking from my experience)...In some ways, at least for me, my belief in God's power and ability to be my all faded...

One of the areas of faith that faded after a certain amount of time was financial security. After seeing God provide for others in miraculous ways, you would think that my faith in his ability to provide for me would be strong. OOPs, not so much...Financial security is something that is extremely important to me. I have struggled with the false notion that I am my provider. I work, I make the money, I pay the bills. Now, I know that some of my most devout Christian friends may be gasping in horror at my self-centered, self-sufficient, attitude towards money, but I promise it's not intentional! I need to re-program my brain. Not only my brain but my heart. It's so easy for me to get caught up in worrying about how I'm going to pay this bill, save this amount of money and so forth that I forget that God is my provider. He has blessed me with a job, with a check, with a house and all of the other material possessions that I have. I am blessed. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

This scripture sums it up best:

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:28-34

So, I'm grateful for the scriptures, stories, and lessons that the Ugandan team has shared with us. It has helped me to re-focus, re-commit, re-boot. It has reminded me that I have nothing without God, I am nothing without him. I am also reminded that he has blessed me so that I can bless others, not so that I can worry about how I am going to provide for myself. I should know better...I have never been in need, he has always provided, and I am most certain that he will continue to do so.

Make New Friends, but Keep the Old...

2010-03-08T19:30:00.004-05:00

Do you remember that old song, make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold? Maybe not, I learned it in Girl Scouts. Such a simple song, but packed full of great advice...If only I could adhere to it. I've got the "keep the old" part...It's just the "make new friends" part that gets a little tricky for me!

I am someone who takes friendship very seriously. I love my friends so much, they are like family to me. I don't have many close friends and most of the friends that I do have, have been my friends for a very long time. I have made a couple of close friends during my adult life, but I have come to realize that connecting, building and cultivating true friendships takes a lot of work and dedication. I have also learned and am continuing to learn that finding true authentic friends is not easy and that it is OK to have just a few BFFs (for lack of a better term). Having the ability to meet someone and easily form a bond is a precious rarity.

Naturally I enjoy solitude. I enjoy my alone time and usually have to "mentally prepare" to be around people that I don't know very well. I always find myself struggling to go out and meet new people. Sometimes the thought of it exhausts me. There are some people who get energy from just being around and interacting with people, well, I'm the opposite...It kindof sucks the life out of me, if you know what I mean. I know that venturing out and meeting new people is something that is healthy and often fun, once I muster up the courage and desire to do so. It's just getting to that point. Oddly enough, I don't have a difficult time meeting new people it's just the connecting part that gets a little iffy and sticky. I really enjoy meeting people...but quite honestly I don't trust many very easily. A defense mechanism maybe, a lesson learned from experience, quite possibly or a combination of both...

I am also a person that sees relationships from a very black and white viewpoint. Meaning, either you're my friend or you're not. Period. I hate gray area relationships/friendships. Well, hate seems so harsh. I don't hate them, I just don't know what to do with them, so usually I don't end up doing anything with them...and sometimes they (my acquaintances) kindof fade out of my life. This is something I am working on, it's just hard for me...Hard to stay connected, to call, to check in, all of it sometimes overwhelms me!

But of course there is a lesson...a revelation...an epiphany, if you will, from all of this self-reflection. I truly believe that everyone is placed in your life for a reason. Sometimes it's just for a season and sometimes it's longer...maybe a lifetime. Experience has taught me that if you allow them to, almost everyone can teach you something. Now, that something may not be profound, but it's something...and isn't life about learning and growing? I also know that from those rare, intimate friendships, God can often show us himself in other people...through their love, compassion, joy, companionship, and all of the other wonderful traits that represent Christ. I am fully aware that God can bring close intimate friendships into my life even at this point...but if I don't make myself available to meet and interact, those connections may never occur. I have been so blessed and enriched by the people in my life already...and feel so grateful to have the friendships that I have. So, I am going to work on allowing myself to be open to not only meeting but connecting with others, so that maybe my life can continue to be enriched. You never know the impact that someone is going to have on your life or the impact you'll have on theirs.

Proverbs 27:9

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,

and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron,

so one man sharpens another.

Secrets...

2010-03-02T18:03:00.002-05:00

I am most certain that more than likely everyone has skeletons in their closet, I know I do. Maybe you have shared these so called skeletons with people who are extremely close to you and maybe you haven't. Maybe your secret is something so huge that you dare not even think of sharing it, even with those with whom you share your most intimate feelings, thoughts, or emotions.

Secrets can be so powerful...especially dirty, little secrets that would make some cringe. They can isolate, bring shame, bring feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and even cause depression. The interesting thing about having a "secret" is that more than likely someone, somewhere shares the same secret, the same struggle, the same feelings that you do.

Throughout my years of being a Christian and a part of a church, I have discovered that quite often, people don't reveal their true selves very easily. But rightfully so, baring your soul, past, "secrets," and faults can be petrifying, especially when you're trying to "fit in." But what I have also discovered and have become passionate about is being able to find a core group of people, even if it's just one or two, with whom you can confide in and trust. I truly believe that one of the main purposes of the church is to be a safe haven for all people from all crazy walks of life... addicts, abusers, liars, cheaters, adulterers, you name it...the church is a place of forgiveness, love and redemption. No one should be shunned because of their past, or their inability to fit a mold that the human component of Christianity has created. I just can't bring myself to be OK with believing that, God would want us to isolate someone for their mistakes...I can't bring myself to be OK with the thought that pretending to be perfect perpetuates true Christianity...and I refuse to believe that our stories, our struggles, our mistakes, our skeletons, aren't more powerful than we'll ever know. Because by revealing our testimony, we give someone else permission to let go of the fear of not being accepted or good enough. We give someone the relief of knowing that they aren't alone and that they are amazing despite their past. And most importantly we show the world how faithful and good God really is...we show them that He can and does transform lives. Our pasts, our dirty little secrets, our mess ups, do not define us. We are defined by God's perception of us.

So, if you have a secret (or 1,000 secrets :-) ), I want you to know that God is the ultimate forgiver and transformer and he has this amazing ability to place people in your life who have experienced some of the same things you may have. If you haven't encountered anyone like this yet, keep your eyes open, if that is indeed what you want. God will place them there. We weren't meant to walk this walk of life alone. As I mentioned earlier, secrets can be a powerful thing, don't allow them to dictate your life, your growth or your relationship with God. Because you aren't that secret...you are and can be more than you'll ever imagine.

Valentine

2010-02-14T08:41:00.003-05:00

I'm sure that everyone at some point in their lives have experienced heartache. Not the ending of a 2 week relationship in middle school, or finding out that your 3rd grade crush has a new "girlfriend." No, I mean heart wrenching, breath taking, heartbreak that leaves you feeling empty and like maybe the experience of loving and being vulnerable wasn't worth it. Heartbreak is not only a result of romantic relationships, but friendships and relationships with family members as well. The saying is true that the ones who love you the most can hurt you the most and that is more than likely accurate because when you love someone you give them the power or ability to hurt you. The act of vulnerability in and of itself is allowing someone to penetrate into your life in ways that are sensitive, tender and not often touched.

The scary and unfortunate thing about love and heartbreak is that oftentimes we can allow experiences of love, breaking up, betrayal, frustration and all of that to begin to negatively define us. Hurt can become bitterness, and before you know it, your perspective on love is jaded. Deception can turn into wrath and one day you wake up and you're so angry at the world and every time you see some happy little couple you want to punch them in the face. It can really be a toxic transition, that heartbreak, if you allow it to be. But, there is another way, a more positive way of processing those feelings. You can learn from them...grow from them...become better because of them. It is hard to look at the bright side of things in the middle of pain, but God is His almighty wisdom always has a plan for his children. Even if we choose a path that he may not have chosen for us he will allow lessons to be learned.

I am learning that peeling back all the layers of hurt, peeling back each aspect of a situation and digging for the lesson and good in it, is far more beneficial than wallowing in sorrow and anguish. I am learning that being deceived can cause you to be a better judge of character, loving someone who doesn't love you back can bring a new perspective on how Christ feels about us, and that when things simply don't seem fair you begin to realize that life really isn't fair. Love isn't fair. You give love because, well we were created to love but you can never really be sure if you're going to be loved back. You can never be sure that the person that you are allowing yourself to love is going to remain the same. Love is a gamble, but a good one, I would say...one that is definitely worth a bit of heartache and discomfort. It makes you stronger, in your weakness or vulnerability you become stronger.

So on this Valentines Day, whether you have a sweetie or not, appreciate the love that you have once experienced. It has made you a better person in some way I am certain. And above all of that always know that each day and each second of everyday, you are God's valentine...He loves you with an unfailing love, and doesn't care about your weight, your height, your hair color, your past, if you like sushi, are a vegetarian, if you are into rap music or country music or any of that. He doesn't have a criteria check off list that you must meet before you are given a chance. He just loves. He is love.

1 John 4:7-8

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Content

2010-02-07T16:07:00.004-05:00

I am content. I'm not really sure why (but I think I'm figuring it out), but I am most certainly not complaining. I don't have anything really major going on and really I have nothing planned (if you remember or read one of my previous posts I haven't been planning and have had no desire to). During this contentment, I have started to self reflect and wonder why I have been feeling so mellow and at ease lately. I don't feel this way everyday but in general I have been pretty worry-free. The answers to my question have come to me in different ways. Firstly, (I didn't think firstly was a word, but it is...anyway) I'm not stressed about getting "life" accomplished. I so hope that I don't get super lazy and unambitious during this season, but not having to do "something" everyday is great! I don't have any expectations for life or work, I'm just taking each day as it comes. I normally have a particularly hard time with this but it's been super easy lately...typically I thrive on checking off to-do lists, but now not so much.

Secondly, I have learned to appreciate the small successes and victories of life. Meeting a new friend, saying a kind word to a stranger, staying within my budget, making a really yummy recipe, hearing the laughter of a child...usually those things wouldn't excite me but recently I have found joy in the everyday occurrences of human interaction and life. It's refreshing. Maybe I am seeing life through new lenses, maybe I've cleaned my "life viewing glasses", if you will, and have removed all of the junk that normally clouds my vision and am able to see the beauty of simplicity.

Lastly, I suppose I am at a stage in life where I am OK with me. I am OK with my mistakes, mess-ups, hang-ups and idiosyncrasies. I can breath. I am not trying to prove myself to anyone. And I am especially not trying to prove myself to myself. I don't have to accomplish another "major" thing to feel successful. It is OK to be happy where I am. It is OK not to push myself to do things that I simply don't want to do and quite frankly don't care about. I am excited about the future. I am excited about my unplanned season with God. I know it won't all be roses and butterflies...I know there are going to be some bumps along the way but maybe during this season I will truly learn to lean on him instead of myself to figure things out. He has an unlimited amount of resources that I simply don't have...and for once I am willing to let Him take care of me :-).

Psalm 37:3-7a

3 Trust in the Lord and do good.

Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

4 Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you your heart’s desires.

5 Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust him, and he will help you.

6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,

and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

7 Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

Acceptance

2010-02-03T20:14:00.002-05:00

Everyone wants to feel accepted. It starts really early in life, when we seek out friends when we first begin daycare or school. It is almost this innate desire in humanity. To want to feel like we belong.

I work at an elementary school and the strong connections that children have who are 4 and 5 years old often amazes me. They take care of each other, show sympathy, empathy, jealousy, love, community...They are little grown-ups and friendship is one of the most important aspects of their childhood experience. They don't quite have the knowledge, experience, or resources to manage their own little lives but often their behaviors are synonymous with adults. It's funny, I suppose. People want to fit in, little ones and big ones...that is just a fact of life.

My life's journey has taught me some hard lessons about being accepted, doing whatever it takes to be accepted and the repercussions that those behaviors can cause. The scary thing is that often we can pretend to be what others want us to be in order to fit in. This behavior can surface at every stage of life and in all types of relationships. We can begin to think like those around us, dress like them, inherit their hobbies, and whatever else to feel accepted. And the even scarier thing is, is that sometimes we don't even know that we have morphed into a person that we don't really know. The changes can happen subtly or all at once...But one day we wake up...well, hopefully we do; and realize the wonderful things that we have to offer. Our gifts, our talents, our passions...

I will candidly admit that I have struggled with wanting to be accepted in various stages of my life. But God has revealed some pretty amazing things to me over the past few years about who I am as a person, and who I can be in Him. One of my favorite versus in the Bible is Ephesians 2:10 (For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago). Who doesn't want to be God's masterpiece!!!! It's just an eye opener at God's perspective of us. I truly do believe that sometimes we search in people, and jobs, and hobbies, and ministries, and community service to feel accepted...to feel validated...to feel important. But the beautiful thing about God is that you are already undoubtedly important without doing any of that. You don't have to change your outfit or your hair, or pretend to be arsty, or like sports, or a certain type of music or clothing in order to become someone that you aren't. He accepts us for who we are; he designed us! There is definitely a peace in knowing that.

I truly believe that the "magic", for a lack of a better term, of human relationships is accepting who you are, who God created you to be, so that you can in turn cultivate that in someone else. I stated in a previous post that people don't complete people...We are complete in Christ. We are accepted in him. The hard part about that is acknowledging his acceptance and truly getting to know who he wants you to be...and that of course takes time and earnest searching, but when we reach out to God and communicate with him, he responds. I guess what I'm getting at is that being who we were created to be is one of the most fascinating and amazing things in life. Diversity is beautiful. So, accept who you are, and accept who the people are around you. God has placed them in your life for specific purposes...and although it may not be apparent right now, one day it will make sense, hopefully, but if not, oh well :-). I also think the act of acceptance teaches us a bit about God's grace and patience with humanity as a whole...and perhaps not taking God's patience with us for granted.

We are all uniquely created to be completely different from anyone else in this universe. And I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty amazing.

New Territory

2010-01-16T10:58:00.004-05:00

I am embarking on a new adventure...venturing into new territory. The land of no plans...It wasn't by choice, as many of you know I am a planner through and through. The last couple of months I just have been unmotivated to plan. Normally at this time of the school year, I am making big plans for the summer; lining up jobs, planning trips, and whatever else comes to mind. As of now, I have no plans, no desire to plan and it's pretty exciting. I've never really lived life like this before. For the past 7 years I have had most of my life planned and I have known what was going to happen, how it was going to happen and when it was going to happen. All of those plans may not have actually come to pass, but at least I planned, right? Maybe I'm just over having to know what is next in my life...or maybe it's just a phase, maybe I'm changing, growing, learning...I don't know.

I have gone through periods when I wanted to go back to school to get my PhD, wanted to start a new business, wanted to work in every area of my profession, wanted to start new ministries...and on and on. My mind is usually rapidly working, trying to decide what to do next. It was almost like, I wasn't fulfilled unless I had another goal to obtain or another challenge to tackle. I think I found purpose in getting things done; the more that I did the better I felt about myself. But, honestly, I have realized that maybe I was hiding and drowning myself in "doing" instead of "being." Maybe I was looking to find value in the things that don't really matter at the end of the day...I mean, isn't it true that who we are far outweighs what we do? Because if we are "doing" with the wrong intentions then, who we are is what really needs to be checked...because intention is really what makes what we're doing genuine or not. I think this is a time for me to find out what my true passions in life are and to pursue those instead of just doing stuff to do it.

There is a very familiar story in the Bible that gives an account of two sisters, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). One of the sisters, Mary is enjoying spending time with Christ (who is visiting the sisters), while the other sister, Martha is busying about making sure that the "important" things are being addressed for such a special guest. The moral of the story is that Mary, really had what was important figured out, while Martha didn't. In case you're wondering, I'm usually Martha, the busy busy, gotta get things done body.

I have a feeling that this season of no plans in my life will be a good experience for me. Remaining open to what God has in store I'm sure will be positive...and maybe I've been in the way of truly experiencing His will. I don't know how this change of attitude has come about but quite frankly it's refreshing. For once, I am not worrying or stressing or figuring out...I'm just here. It's given me some time to evaluate what is truly important to me, it's given my mind time to rest and it's given me some quiet, alone time with God. So who knows what will happen this year. Maybe it will just be a quiet year of getting to know myself more without a ton of distractions or maybe it will be a year full of adventures, we'll just have to wait and see.

I Often Wonder...

2010-01-14T21:35:00.002-05:00

If I had it to do all over again, up until this point, would I do anything differently. Would I make the same choices, go to the same schools, accept the same jobs, date the same people, taken the same risks....would I make the same mistakes, end certain friendships...Would I have said how I really felt more often, or been more transparent and open with the people that I encountered???

I would have definitely taken bigger risks...risks that were worth the consequences and mistakes that they may have caused. But overall, I have had a great life...a blessed life.

Now that I'm 30 and approaching 31, I have starting thinking more about life and making the most of each moment that has been given to me. I know that I am in no way "old" (although some may beg to differ), but my adult life is ticking along and there is no time like now to reach for my dreams, take chances, and stretch myself in areas that are new or different. I'm learning that fear can paralyze you. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of the unknown...

I'm not having a mid-life crisis or anything like that, but I am starting to truly appreciate the time that I have here. And the more I appreciate it the more I want to enjoy and experience all that I can while I am here. God surely didn't place me here to dwell on what's going wrong in my life, what could be better, or what I should've, could've, would've done. So, I am blessed. I am committing to living my life in that manner.

It seems so cliche'.....

2009-12-31T20:09:00.002-05:00

To write a post for New Years...I don't really have anything profound to say, but hey it's my last opportunity to post something in '09...So, I figured I'd post some more random thoughts and lessons learned from the year...here we go...

1) I have had more laughs than cries this year.

2) I have met some amazing people this year.

3) I have learned to let go of things and situations even when it hurt.

4) More people have good intentions than you realize.

5) God doesn't have favorites.

6) Life can be an adventure, if you want it to be.

7) It's OK to be vulnerable.

8) It's OK to love.

9) It's OK to not have all of the answers.

10) Love and forgiveness go hand in hand.

11) Heartbreak won't kill you, even if it feels like your heart is being ripped out at the time.

12) Most people are just looking to be loved and accepted.

13) Never judge a book or person by its cover...you may miss out on some awesome experiences.

14) Laugh even when you don't feel like it...It will make your day a whole lot better.

15) It's OK to hope.

16) Breathe in and embrace each experience, there is a lesson in everything, finding it is usually the challenge.

17) Tell people how you feel about them now.

18) It's OK to accept compliments.

19) Don't be afraid to dream or chase your dreams.

20) People are like big vidalia onions...layers upon layers of experiences, talents, faults...and whatever else. Take time to peel back the layers of the people that you love. Get to know them...and let them know how important it is for you to know everything about them. They will appreciate your sincere interest in who they are.

I guess that's all folks. It's been a great year. It's been a tough year, but I have had some of the best times of my life in 2009. So upward and onward to 2010...only God knows what will be in store, but I'm ready.

You Complete Me...

2009-12-29T03:38:00.003-05:00

How romantic is that famous line from the movie Jerry McGuire? You complete me. It says a thousand things in just one statement. Movies and society in general often sensationalize and romanticize the power of love. In most romantic dramas/comedies, two people fall in love, go through some conflict and at the end of the movie, they realize (more often than not) that they are truly meant to be together, they are soul mates, and can't live life without each other. The credits roll and you leave the theatre feeling all warm and fuzzy inside hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe your real life love story will end similarly.

But, we all know that real life relationships are little stickier and have a little more depth than displayed in an 1 1/2 movie. As we all grow and learn we also come to understand that in any type of relationship people are hurt, disappointed and the happy ending doesn't always come in a cute, neat package. Happy endings most definitely come, but relationships have ups and downs and have more than one happy ending the longer they last.

Being single is a funny thing. It is so tempting to fall into the mindset that if you become married or find "the one" you will be complete. That finding that special, perfect someone is what you will need to complete your life and bring the ultimate happiness and fulfillment. But I am learning that this philosophy is not necessarily true. I know this statement might not sound that romantic, but people don't complete people. People compliment people. God completes people. I think that it is so unfair to expect someone to complete you...because in essence, you are asking someone to do something that they simply are incapable of doing. The fact of the matter is, is that people make mistakes, they are inconsistent, have bad days, don't feel like talking sometimes, have faults, fears, anxieties, insecurities, and the list goes on and on. Relying on anyone to complete anyone else is....well, just not realistic. People can't replace what God is intended for. My life has taught me that when you place godly expectations on people, you will get disappointed every time. When you look to someone to consistently give you joy, comfort, peace, strength, long suffering, patience, and so many other things, they simply aren't capable of doing all of these things all at one time. Quite simply, God wants and can be all of those things for us if we allow him.

But doesn't it sound so much more romantic and fun to search for that someone to fulfill these desires in our lives? Of course it does! Humans were made to love and connect with humans. But I am convinced that God wants us to connect with him first. He gives us purpose, direction, and wisdom to make the right choices in determining who we should intimately connect with and hopefully with that guidance we can know that when we find "the one" it really is the "real the one" and not "the fake one" that "will just do" because we feel he/she is our only option.

I am finding that being single is a time to really connect with God and build your relationship with him first. If you are not complete and content with just you, how on earth can you compliment someone else's life? Like I said earlier, it is so unfair to expect for someone else to fill God's shoes. If we allow God to fill his own shoes, to be all that he is meant to be for us, in us and through us, then we can effectively compliment another's life. Now, I know that we are never finished growing, learning, and connecting with God. That relationship is ongoing. It is a journey that takes us many places and makes us the people that we are. But I think that having the right perspective and having a healthy idea of what roles people play in our lives helps to perpetuate healthy relationships.

I will also say that, I am in no way saying that people, especially spouses and soon to be spouses and the like, don't add immense joy, contentment and richly compliment lives, because they do. I know that God created marriage, love and just the basic ability for humans to connect with each other so that we can see him in others and experience the joy that these relationships often bring. So that we can learn from each other, grow from each other, make each other laugh or cry, make each other think or step out of our comfort zones, to show us ourselves in others, to eliminate senses of loneliness and isolation. Humans play major roles in each other lives. God created us that way. I would never, ever deny that. I also know that God allows certain people's paths to cross at just the right time so that they are able to find that special someone. All I am saying is that even when you find that person...He is still your completion. He can't be replaced.

Maintaining the mind frame that Christ is who completes me is not always easy. You can't touch him or see him. He doesn't tickle our senses like people do. But he is able to connect with us in a much deeper more intimate way. He inhabits the soul. The part of us that lives forever...and that's what matters most. So onward I march. Content in being single because I can devote all of my heart and attention to him and find true peace and joy that humans can only temporarily provide. Don't get me wrong, I am super excited about meeting that special someone, but until then, I am going to try with all my heart to focus on God's love for me. Because it truly is the greatest love ever known.

Colossians 2:10

So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.

Beauty...Embrace Who You Are

2009-12-26T20:13:00.005-05:00

I hate stereotypes...I hate generalizations. But sadly, more often than not stereotypes and generalizations often have some validity because they were formed from people's real life experiences. Of course, some stereotypes and generalizations are ignorant...and down right stupid. But this post isn't about stereotypes or generalizations, but for some reason I thought that beginning with those thoughts was a good opener...

Anywho, I have noticed, which most of you probably have, that our society, our American society is obsessed with beauty, body image and maintaining a youthful appearance. This obsession is more prominent among women than men, which is totally unfair and ridiculous, but it is what it is. Our American society has also helped shape the opinions and obsessions of our youth. Many of our youth, especially our girls, are obsessed with their weight, hair color, hair length, and so forth. So much so that they often lose sight of what really is important...what really matters. Although this is sooooo cliche', beauty is really only skin deep and what really matters is what's inside. I think it is also important for our youth, particularly our young women to understand that beauty is not one dimensional, it's not one skin color, hair type, height, weight or bust size. It so much more than that. There is so much beauty in diversity. If we, each of us in our communities, could impress upon our young women to embrace who they are, to celebrate their unique qualities, both inside and out, I truly believe that their perceptions of themselves would be so much healthier. And the truth of the matter is that one's self image and perception is directly linked to how one allows others to treat them. I know that there are so many young women and more mature women who struggle with self esteem and self worth. They struggle with trying to fit in and be who they think society and everyone else wants them to be. I also know for a fact that as young girls grow into their own, having positive father figures in their lives is crucial in their understanding of how they should be treated and respected by a man. The lack of healthy father-daughter relationships can often lend itself to girls seeking any type of attention from other males.

I guess I've said all of this to say...well, embracing who you are is something to be celebrated. Thank God he didn't make all of us the same, because how horribly boring would that be. I guess I've said all of this to also say that my heart breaks for girls who struggle with accepting themselves because of their size, or skin, or hair, or height, or whatever. It breaks my heart that instead of being encouraged by our society they are constantly inundated with stereotypical beauty on television, and in magazines and even by their friends. It crushes me that some of these young women seek attention from people who are only going to hurt them and further confuse them about who they are and what they are worth. I guess if I could make a public service announcement to these young women I would say...You are who you are for a purpose. God has uniquely designed you to be something amazing. There is nothing wrong with the bump in your nose, the kinks in your hair, or the width of your hips. You are special. God cares about each of your heartaches and holds each tear you cry. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve for your opinions to be to heard and validated. It is OK to believe that you're beautiful, because you are. Don't compare yourself to anyone. You were made to be loved.

I wish that I could mute out any of the negative comments and hurtful things that they hear about themselves and shield them from each moment they feel they aren't worth anything. I wish I could protect them from being mistreated over and over, because they don't know any better. I know how it feels to struggle with accepting who you are and it can be a long, hard journey sometimes. I also know that God can open your eyes and your heart and show you that you are most definitely fearfully and wonderfully made.

So maybe this post was about stereotypes, stereotypical beauty I suppose...and how much I despise it and it's effects that it has on so many. But more than that, it is something that I feel strongly about and more importantly something I think God has given me a passion for. We each have a story. I know that sharing your story with someone who has experienced or is experiencing something similar is powerful. It can inspire, empower and give someone hope. Being transparent about who we are and who we think we are is scary, but I know pushing through that fear to help someone else is worth it. So maybe sometime in the near future I will have an opportunity to help someone by sharing my journey of self acceptance. Because I know in sharing that story it won't only help someone else but me as well.

Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Dreams...

2009-12-24T07:33:00.005-05:00

I wouldn't consider myself a dreamer. I am practical for the most part. Practicality works. I like practical plans, practical gifts, practical, practical, practical. As I am writing this, I suddenly have realized that I am not naturally practical but have become this way over time. I have grown to learn how to be relatively organized, productive, reliable, and the "go-to" person in a lot of situations. But, can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I hate being the reliable, "oh yea, she'll do it one." Sometimes I want to be considered the irresponsible one, the one that no-one calls, just to be relinquished from the responsibility that I have allowed others to place upon me.

Deep down I have dreams. Dreams that aren't practical or don't make much sense. Dreams regarding my career, family and geographical location that often seem so far out of reach I let the dream go, trying to make myself believe that I don't need to do this or have to have that. So, in essence the dream dies. I also frequently feel like I have so many dreams that the thought of choosing only one to focus on at a time is overwhelming. Honestly, the fear of failure also creeps in and dampens my zeal for an idea or concept that I feel passionately about. I would love to one day become a writer, an artist, live in another city or country, open my own business (or businesses), have children, be a wife, learn to skateboard (I know that sounds crazy!), lead a small group at my church, travel to New Zealand and Australia, participate in a marathon (I don't know why...), drive cross country, play my guitar in front of people (because my guitar and music have brought me so much joy)...and the list could go on and on. I have a very active mind and each day a new dream or desire just might pop up. I also have a confession...I have often scoffed at dreamers, because often their ideas are huge and seem unreachable or fail and they aren't successful in reaching their dreams. How arrogant of me! How jealous of me! I am a firm believer that negative behaviors/attitudes come from some deeper emotion that one is trying to hide...and mine was jealousy in this case. Jealousy, because I have been too much of a coward to truly step out on faith...Too much of a coward to trust the gifts, talents and opportunities that God has given me and use them to the best of my ability. So friends, hello my name is Mya Hart and I am a...dreamer! There, I said it. I am officially out of the closet, as a dreamer of course.

I'm not a huge new years resolution person, because the pressure to get my list checked off often haunts me, but I do want to learn as I continue to live how to trust God and the desires of my heart. I know that God places desires in us for a purpose. He doesn't give us gifts and talents to sit on or waste away, but to use to glorify him and edify others. Using our gifts is another form of worship. A way to show the world what God can do through you if you allow him to take over your fear, and your feelings of inadequacies and trust the One who is more than adequate to accomplish anything. Now, we all know that dream chasing/pursuing is tough with many bumps, highs, lows and in-betweens...but if you never try, if you never trust God, you will never know the magnitude of what He has in store for you. So, I'm off to step out of my comfort zone; off to step off of that proverbial cliff-with God as my parachute (I just have to remind myself to not look down or I won't step off, I'm certain of that). Each day I'm sure I'll feel more or less enthusiastic about this quest, but that is OK. I am certain that God can work through my inconsistencies, take my willingness to be used, the talents/gifts he's given me and make some amazing things happen.

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine according to his work that is within us. To him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever amen!

Proverbs 13:13

Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.

1 Peter 4:10

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

The Past Couple of Weeks...

2009-12-13T16:27:00.003-05:00

I have had a tough couple of weeks...Usually when it rains it pours; stressors from various areas in our lives often pile up all at once and we have to figure out how to maintain our sanity while getting through those times. I am learning to take each day moment by moment, because after all, that's all we're promised anyway, one moment at a time. I have had to rely on God for wisdom and strength to help me take my trials as they come and learn from them. This week I am going to focus and meditate on the two scripture passages listed below...They inspire me to keep my eyes focused on the one who created me and the one who is the lover of my soul. Maybe they will inspire or encourage you as well. Have a wonderful week everyone!

Hebrews 12:1-4

¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. ³ Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. ⁴ After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.

Romans 8:35-39

³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ³⁶ (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. ³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Ability to Love...

2009-12-12T08:59:00.002-05:00

Naturally, I am a private person. I love connecting with people but normally keep most at arms length, more than likely, due to my guarded nature. I learned very early in life that guarding your heart was an important tool for survival in this crazy world. Now, operating in this manner can be both good and bad. I mean, if you never get too close to anyone then, you never get hurt...your heart is protected and you can stay in a relatively safe place. But on the flip side of that, if you never connect and become vulnerable with anyone, you never experience true love in any type of relationship.

Some would say that allowing yourself to love and become vulnerable is worth the risk of heartache, others may disagree. I guess I am somewhere in the middle. I think loving the right people is definitely worth risking heartache. Because that heartache eventually goes away and either you continue the relationship with that awesome person, or you learn something super valuable and are able to move on with a better understanding of love and relationships.

I often think about God's love for us and the way that he is gentle and patient in dealing with humanity. How he has this supernatural way of sticking by us through our peaks and valleys. I would venture to say that God delights in our kindness, our ability to love others, our compassion, our humility, our obedience...but often we don't display a loving, kind, compassionate heart towards others and sometimes not even towards God. And in doing that, I think that might disappoint or hurt him. But he is the ultimate forgiver. And he is able to look beyond mistakes, flaws, envy, and hatred and love us beyond measure.

It takes effort and work to love. Life has taught me that love isn't always a feeling. It's not always pleasant, or exciting, or easy. It is a choice. A choice to look at someone and want the best for them, even when they hurt you, to want the best for them even when they aren't loving you back. I would never deny the fact that love can be a feeling...especially when starting new relationships and friendships, but I know that true love is having the ability or choosing to stay when the feelings have lessened and life gets tough.

As I have gotten older I have allowed myself to slowly connect to others in more intimate ways. My friendships and relationships have definitely had more meaning as I have allowed myself to be totally open and honest with my loved ones. It has most certainly made me feel "naked", if you will, but I think the people in our lives that mean the most to us deserve to know our true authentic selves. This openness has brought about an immense amount of joy, contentment, and some wonderful relationships. With this vulnerability has also come some heartache and stretching and growing...growing pains. I guess I would call them growing pains. But I have become better at loving and receiving love which has been an amazing gift.

1 Corinthians 13:1-8a

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.

Love and God...quotes

2009-12-04T06:35:00.005-05:00

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

~ C.S. Lewis

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”
Stanley Lindquist

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.

~Pietro Aretino

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

C.S. Lewis

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”

C.S. Lewis

“I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.”
Albert Einstein

People are People...Life is a Journey

2009-12-02T21:48:00.004-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Evaluating and re-evaluating life, choices, relationships, and my relationship with God. My life is nothing like I expected it to be at 30. I didn't have a strict timeline but I imagined life a bit differently than it has turned out to be. I have been faced with many challenges, so many blessings, and a lot of things that I'm still not quite sure I understand. Through all of this, I have learned about the heart of God and people in general. I have learned that when you strip everyone down, and take an honest look at who they really are, you will find that...we all have insecurities, a story, passions, strengths, weaknesses, and so on. Someone once told me that I always say, people are people and life is a journey, but it is true. With that you can either take the people that are placed in your life and each step on your journey and learn from those people and those experiences...or you can chose to push people away and look at the negative side of every situation.

I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences...God allows people to cross paths for reasons that are often unknown...but sometimes those reasons are extremely obvious. I am convinced that there is something to learn from everyone you meet. No matter how long or short the encounter, there is something that can be taken away from all situations and relationships. Often people are placed in our lives to capture a different point of view, to experience love and acceptance, to appreciate cultural or racial differences and I'm realizing that often God places people in our lives so that we are able to recognize that people are just that, people. We all feel, hope, love, hate, laugh, cry, judge...

There is something to be said about being intentional in all your relationships and encounters. There is some nugget of wisdom tucked away in each of them. Our jobs are to find those nuggets and use them to make us stronger, wiser, more compassionate, more loving, more accepting...better. God doesn't make mistakes. He isn't random or unconcerned with the smallest details of our lives. If we are able to find the purpose and reason for each relationship, each person placed in our lives, no matter how positive or negative, I am sure that we can learn more about ourselves...and hopefully we can learn to appreciate humanity no matter our similarities or differences. So I am challenging myself to not only be more intentional in all my relationships, but I am also challenging myself to allow God to show me the beauty in each and every experience...because in the end, all of God's plans end up beautiful...that's something to smile about :-).

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

1 Peter 3:8-9

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

My Thoughts...

2009-11-19T22:14:00.004-05:00

I haven't been motivated to blog lately. I am the type of person that needs to feel motivated and inspired to write. It's not that my life has lacked inspiration lately, I just don't know how to squeeze it into a blog...

So maybe this will be a blog of random thoughts or maybe not so random...whatever, just my thoughts, things that have been running through my mind lately; written in no particular order; and please don't expect any cohesiveness, my mind isn't cohesive these days...its all over the place.

So here we go....

1) God is funny.

2) Teenagers are weird, but I think I'm learning to like them.

3) There is something absolutely beautiful about the innocence of a child.

4) Children are beautiful....well most of them anyway :-)

5) Love doesn't mean just one thing...or 10 things...its like 100 or 1000 things and not the same 100 or 1000 things for each person; love is complex

6) My opinions about lots of things change from day to day...

7) I'm indecisive

8) I have learned more about the love of Christ in the past 3 months than I have in the last 3 years.

9) I really like chai tea lattes...iced or hot, man they're yummy!

10) If you are really honest...your words reflect your heart.

11) People are made for people.

12) People are made to love people.

13) The person that you think is totally opposite from you probably has more in common with you than you think.

14) I like dark chocolate.

15) I like goat cheese.

16) I am super sensitive, super emotional, and super sappy.

17) I like to laugh when I'm alone.

18) God likes me...he made me...he knows that I am stronger (with his help of course) than I think I am.

19) I like unexpected notes, comments, and smiles.

20) Happiness is evident without any words spoken.

21) Sometimes a smile from a random person can make your day.

22) I like when the sales asssociates and cashiers at Target ask if I'm having a good day :-).

23) You never know the impact you're having on someone's life. It may be a person that you see everyday or not. It may be the person that delivers your mail, prepares your Starbucks (or Caribou) order, or the person that rides to the same floor with you in the elevator every morning. Offer a smile or a kind glance tomorrow or today :-)...you never know who's day you're gonna make.

That's all for now....maybe a cohesive blog will follow soon...maybe not. :-)

Life's Lessons

2009-11-02T21:38:00.003-05:00

God has a funny and creative way of teaching us about himself and ourselves through life. Through the people he places in our lives, our experiences, "coincidences"... everything. If you look closely enough at life's mistakes, hiccups, situations gone wrong or right you can find out a little truth about who you are as a person.

The longer I live, I learn that life is unpredictable. No matter how predictable you plan for it to be, bumps and curves come along the way to help make you into a better person. I have learned through my short life that trials, challenges, broken hearts, crushed spirits, disappointments, wins, losses, and on and on not only make you stronger and wiser, but help you to put God into perspective. Oh how I sometimes secretly wish that God could see things my way, because in my crazy, little mind, I feel like if he could see it my way, then things would work out just fine. But God's perspective, I am learning, is far more beautiful than mine. Because in those things that I find unbearable, ugly, disgusting, or painful, he sees hope, beauty, and humanity. In those situations that I find utterly pointless or wastes of time he teaches me small lessons about patience, love, and tolerance. Even in those people, that, dare I say, are irritating, annoying, and down right rude, he teaches me grace...If you look closely enough, God can show you the way He sees a person or situation...even if it takes a while.

Gosh, this journey called life is a crazy one. I am learning that the way God orchestrates things aren't always neat and pretty, but in the end there is this big, fat lesson waiting for you. I just hope that I can continue to keep my eyes open and aware of what God is trying to show me through the people and experiences that he is placing in my path. I trust that He knows what's best for me...even when I don't quite understand his plans. It's making me a better, stronger person...whether I realize or not at the time.

C.S. Lewis Quotes...

2009-10-13T22:06:00.003-04:00

“What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are”

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”

“Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”

Opening God's Box

2009-10-08T20:57:00.004-04:00

I have worked with children for a large part of my adult life...really, all of my adult life I have worked in some capacity with children. While working with children I have learned that if you set high expectations for them they will be more successful; and if you set low expectations they will, more often than not, perform lower than their capabilities...common sense really...well, one would think...

As I am growing and learning about life, and about God I am realizing that quite often my expectations of God are rather low (And just let me say that I am soooo glad that he doesn't perform to my expectations =-) ). I might even venture to say...pathetic. I have God in a box. I'll admit it. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem, right? There are some things that I just don't think God is capable of doing...Ooo! That sounds horrible, but it is true. I mean, if you asked me, can God do anything? I would say, well, most certainly He can! But in my reality, in my world, in my life, I often, by default don't live that, I don't bring the "small" and some of the "big" things to God. I'm guessing because deep down, I figure : 1) I can handle it myself or 2) God is not going to believe what I am asking is important enough to consider or address. It's really a horribly pessimistic way of looking at the God of the universe. It is also quite insulting to Him, I would assume, because, after all, he did create the world and humans...and well everything else. So why in the world would my concerns, problems and desires be too big or too small for him to consider, handle and resolve?

I believe as humans we don't and probably can't wrap our brains around God's greatness. And it's easier to put him in a "box" that makes sense to us. Like, yes God does this and answers these kinds of prayers, but not these...and so on. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. I tend to like order and logic. I like things to make sense...buuut, sometimes God doesn't make sense. Quite often, he doesn't handle things the way we would, or answer prayers the way we would like or expect...it's difficult to see the world, and problems, and hurt, and all of that from his perspective. But I'm learning, that if I could just open God's box up and let him out and communicate to him authentically, not only praying about the things that I think he cares about, but laying everything out as a request and just a cry from my heart...then maybe, just maybe, He will show me (as he has so many times before) that He can (and will) truly do exceedingly, abundantly above all that I could ever hope or imagine. I am challenging myself to expect that from the God that I serve...to not place limitations or logic on what He can do...but to expect Him to be exactly what He is...and that's super, duper awesome and powerful!!!!

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Luke 18:27

"What is impossible with men is possible with God."

Luke 1:37

For nothing is impossible with God.

Your last Tomorrow...my take :-)

2009-09-27T20:03:00.005-04:00

At church we have been focusing on a series called, "Your Last Tomorrow" (www.mosaicchurch.tv, check it out). Today our pastor spoke about owning and believing lies about various aspects of our lives, our relationships with others, our relationship with God, and our relationship with ourselves. I will say it was quite eye-opening. He used John 8:1-11 as his text. The story is about a woman who has been caught in adultery by the Pharisees, and brought to Jesus to be judged. As Naeem (our pastor) began dissecting the passage, he divided the people from the passage into three groups: the crowd, the adulteress, and the accusers (I believe that is correct). The crowd represented the passive group of onlookers who would rather not have gotten in involved in the whole "blaming and punishing the adulteress ordeal"...those of us who sit back while people are treated unjustly or unfairly for the sake of convenience and not wanting to be "involved." The adulteress represented those who feel unworthy, carry around guilt and shame and have a difficult time accepting the awesome people they are in Christ. The last group, the accusers represent those who are prideful, maybe even those who feel like they are better than (in comparison to others) and so forth.

Being the introspective type (as many of you may have noticed), I realized how easily it is to believe and live a lie even if it's small and minute. Quite honestly, I could see parts of myself in each group represented in the story today. It's easy to see yourself for who you want to be versus who you really are. It's often difficult to allow God to reveal to you your true self. Because, I believe that most of us want to believe that we are "good people." People who are morally appropriate, just, honest, and pretty much try to do the right thing, whether we're believers in Christ or not. I know I do. Naeem also mentioned that we're all on the same "level" if you will, when it comes to godliness, because no one needs God any less than anyone else, despite the level of the their spiritual maturity...I never thought of godliness in that way. I mean, in my mind there were (and probably still are) people who I just think are far closer to God than I am...that perspective may take some adjusting for me...

I have definitely taken so much away from this series already. I'm learning more and more about the nature of God. It's tough for me sometimes to see Christ in a way that is beyond my human reasoning. His grace, compassion, and forgiveness, far exceed my understanding. His love far exceeds anything that I could conjure up in my mind. Because, unlike humans (thank God!), He has this supernatural ability to love, forgive and pursue those who don't even care about him... those who wouldn't even give him a second thought...He has this ability, that I don't understand, to try and try and give and give, and love and love without acknowledgment in return. He is love. I am learning more and more that no matter how much I love him...I could never love Him the way he loves me. And what's so super duper cool is that He continues to teach you and grow you as you seek Him. It is really true, the scripture that says that if we seek Him with all of our hearts we will find Him. I am convinced that if we really want to know if he's real and is truth, He'll show that to us in the way that we need to be shown. His heart's desire is just that we love Him and allow Him to love us back...and make us the awesome people He created us to be. How exciting is that! What a journey He can take us all on...YAY!

I'm looking forward to hearing the rest of the series. I'm certain that I will continue to learn more about myself and God...

People are People...

2009-09-21T21:43:00.002-04:00

You know, something that disturbs me a bit is that Christians, particularly in America, are often perceived as hypocritical, judgmental, close-minded people, who have a difficult time respecting and appreciating other points of view and perspectives. I guess it disturbs me because, well, Christians are people. People who may be hypocritical, judgmental or even close-minded. Now, are these the best qualities to portray, especially when representing Christ, well, heck no! Christianity is a complex faith, filled with lots of history, interpretation and controversy. And when people who are so far from perfect, enter into this commitment to Christ, a lot of the times they are trying their best to figure it out, live it and make sense of it all. Sometimes, passion can be mistaken for close-mindedness....maybe even confused as an unwillingness to consider a different perspective.

I am learning that for one who doesn't believe or understand a passion for Christ, committing your everything to Him may seem foreign and a bit strange. As I said before, people are just people. Finding balance in a complex faith can be difficult. I am in no way condoning or supporting people who justify being blatantly rude, disrespectful, deceitful, discriminatory, or unloving towards to others in the name of Christ. I don't believe and will never believe that Christ honors this type of behavior in any form or fashion. What I am saying is that, I would hope with all of my heart, that those of us who love Christ and want to please Him and want Him to live through us, truly do want people to understand the love of Christ. Not condemn people for their mistakes, or define people by their past, or push them away because their different, or place judgement on others for decisions that they've made during crazy circumstances that we'll never understand. God is pleased and delighted when those of us who have chosen to follow Him, try with all that we are (and of course with God's help) to see beyond people's faults, and mistakes, and past, and lack of knowledge and view people through eye's of grace. Being loving to those who have never been loved, being listeners to those who are hopeless, and being the hands and feet of Christ in our communities. It is so easy to surround ourselves with those who agree with everything we say, look like we do, speak like we do and on and on...our comfortable bubbles. Those are important for support, friendship and accountability...These relationships are vital, please understand that. But if we as Christ-followers isolate ourselves and only communicate with those who agree with us...well we aren't spreading the love and truth of Christ. And really that's the whole point of living a life committed to Jesus.

Man, on man is it tough to talk about faith...it's tough to be confrontational about topics that are so sticky and sensitive in our society. But I am convinced that if we are able to reach out to others in acts of love and not condemnation, God will be able to use us mightily. People really are just people. God created each one of us uniquely with a desire to be in communication with other people and with a desire to be in communication with him. God loves all of us so much...what an honor it is to share that love with others. I hope that one day...I am able to truly represent Christ in a loving, caring, truthful way. It takes time and messing up and learning again. With God's help, I know that he will continue to guide me in this area...

1 Corinthians 13:13

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 John 4:20

If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

Godly Risks

2009-09-18T07:03:00.003-04:00

I have never been a major risk taker. I am usually calculated in making decisions. I like to weigh the pros and cons of most situations making sure the pros outweigh the cons before forging ahead. Now, don't get me wrong, I have taken some risks in my 30 years of being here. Some weren't so calculated. Some caused some pain, while others provided great joy and reward.

When I think about living a life that pleases Christ, it's risky. Not risky in the let's go sky diving or bungee jumping today way... But, risky because the decisions that you often make, most people don't understand. The risk is being "different" and going against the grain of our normal society. Making decisions that seem extreme or unnecessary in order to please God. Some might say, "does God really care about that?" or "does it really matter, doesn't God just wants us to be happy?" Yes, I do believe God cares about even our small experiences, and yes, I do believe that God wants us to be happy, just not at the expense of dishonoring Him. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a breathing, walking, talking representative of Christ. And, with God's help, I want to represent Him to the best of my ability, even if it means taking a risk (or making a decision) that appears to go against the grain and norm of the way we do things here in America. Man, oh man is it difficult. Honestly, sometimes I feel foolish or crazy for even being so conscientious about the small choices I toil over before making final decisions.

When I think of taking Godly risks, my mind often reminds me of some close friends I have who are missionaries in Tanzania. When they began the process of preparing to go overseas, they had to make some major sacrifices that seemed a bit extreme to some. They sold most of their belongings, lived in a camper for awhile, had a baby, and traveled across the world with that little baby to fulfill their calling by God. I know that it wasn't easy. But I also know that God honored their obedience to Him. The truth is that when you take Godly risks, He honors them and blesses you in ways that, quite frankly, humans can not. It's eternal blessing and blessings that are often intangible.

The Christian journey is not always easy. But God makes it worth it, because He is so faithful in taking care of those who live and honor Him. I just pray with everything that is in me, that I am able to take Godly risks for the sake of Him. My one desire is to please Him in this life, because at the end of the day, that's really all that matters.

Hebrews 11:6

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Philippians 4:11-12

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Perfection Planned...NOT!

2009-09-16T18:28:00.005-04:00

I'm not perfect. Well, that's no revelation! Things aren't always going to go perfectly. We all know that. But why nooooot! (in a whiny voice). I am realizing as life keeps trucking on that no matter how much I plan...no matter how much I think that I have a situation in life figured out, there is going to be an aspect of that situation that throws me for a loop. It's like planning a surprise birthday party. You have the entire "gotcha" scenario planned. Your friend's mom is going to pick her up from work and bring her to the destination to have a quiet birthday dinner...so she thinks. Everyone will park their cars in secret locations, the birthday cake has been picked up, the food prepared...everything seems to be going as planned, and then you get the call. Your friend has come down with some stomach bug at the last minute and she just can't make it out tonight. WHAT?!?!??! Ugh! So your plan is shot to you know where and you're stuck with a ton of people, food that's rapidly getting cold and gosh darnet her favorite mint chocolatey-chocolate double chip ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery in your freezer. Your perfect plan...well, has been ruined. As it seems, all you've learned from this situation is that you're a good party planner...but you still haven't managed to surprise your friend...which was totally the point of planning the SURPRISE birthday party...

I tell ya. I don't know how long it's going to take me to realize that my perfectly, perfect life that I have planned out in mind is not going to always work out the way I necessarily plan or even sometimes the way I want it.

I guess the problem is, is that I have an issue with pride. It's an ugly realization, I will admit. I think I know what's best for me. I think I know how my life should work out, down to the minor details, I might add. I know that God is bigger and better than me. I know he knows how things should turn out, but sometimes, I'm a brat about it....and I WANT LIFE MY WAY!!!! THE SAFE WAY...THE YES, THIS MAKES SENSE WAY! I think it's because I am looking at the small picture versus the big one. I look at the short term versus the long term. But God always sees the long term, the long term benefit in all of life's situations, the pleasant and painful.

I am learning that, God can take something that's seemingly a mess and make it into something beautiful if we are patient and wait on Him and His direction. I mean that's what He does with all of our lives, if we allow Him. He takes our ugly attitudes, our bitterness, our anger, our hatred, our prejudices, our pride, our disobedience, our indifference, our humanity...and if we allow Him to transform us, He will...into something beautiful. People that no one would have expected us to be. I am really working on allowing Him to have his way in my life...even when things don't make sense, seem scary, or pointless. If we open our eyes, everything...the small encounters, the friendships, the "coincidences" the employment opportunities or lack thereof, everything happens for a purpose. It's just being able to push through the uncertainty and find God in all of it...It's hard, it's a process...but I'm positive it's worth it...I just need to try and do it more often :-).

My Constant

2009-08-31T18:02:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm off to a busy school year...I am feeling refreshed despite my crazy, busy summer. Although feeling refreshed life is ever changing in many ways. I do like some of the changes I will admit, but some of them have been a bit difficult. Friendships have changed, my career path has changed, my relationship with God has changed and is ever changing...But change is indeed necessary. I mean, really, I would be so bored if life never changed and I would be stagnant, never growing, never learning...what kindof life would that be? We all need new people, experiences, and lessons in life to fully appreciate our time here on earth.

Change, change, change...but I am learning and God is continuing to confirm in me that He never changes. He may allow certain things to occur in my life for seasons to stretch me, grow me, draw me closer to Him, but He never changes. His character, his reliability, his voice, his security is constant. And now, more than ever in my life I need his constancy. I have learned that no matter how much you care for people and they care for you, well, they're human and they change and grow and are pretty incapable of being constant all of the time. Career plans, hopes and dreams change. The things you thought you wanted in life, well, are often things that you really don't need or things you didn't really want in the first place. I sometimes forget that even when I'm caught up in the stress and chaos of life...when my emotions have gotten the best of me and I feel completely incapable of formulating a clear and concise thought, God is there. He is my rock and sometimes, I'll admit I forget that he's there to lean on ALWAYS...You would think I would've learned by now to stop trying to figure out life and my problems on my own. Even when life doesn't make sense, seem fair, or go the way that I logically think it should go, God hasn't change. And it's so relieving to know that no matter what, no matter what gets thrown my way He is there...and no, I don't always understand his tactics or purpose for doing things, but I trust that He knows how handle life. I mean after all, He is the God of the universe :-).

As I move forward and life continues to be life, I must remind myself that 1) changes are going to come and 2) I can either freak out, stress out, bug out or lean on God during the changes. I'm going to definitely try to do less freaking out and more leaning...but I can be inconsistent so we'll see how this goes. One day at a time.

Malachi 3:6a “I am the Lord, and I do not change.

Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

James 1:17 Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

2009-08-26T21:39:00.002-04:00

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Dr. Suess

My New "Plan"

2009-08-19T06:58:00.003-04:00

Raise your hand if you like to go with the flow...if you're wondering if my hand is raised, it isn't. Maybe I could raise my hand half-way because on the weekends or during leisure activities I am OK with going with the flow. Even if I make a loose schedule (during times of rest and relaxation), I am OK with taking things as they come and changing my plans if need be.

For major life decisions, however, I like to have a plan that does not have much variation or "give", if you will...when I say give, think of spandex or something stretchy and flexible. But I, have come to the conclusion that sometimes my plans, well, 1) aren't the best plans and 2) don't always go as I envisioned them. Which in hindsight is probably a good thing.

I know that God is in control and that he cares about the small details in life, and when looking back on past experiences I say to myself, "ooohhh, that's why that didn't work out." I am learning very quickly that he really is a master planner (which I must say isn't quite fair because he has the slight advantage of knowing how things are going to turn out in the end) and quite frankly I am not. But I am also learning that God doesn't force his plans on us...he is gentle and guides us along if we ask him. He will allow us to fall, ultimately to teach us perseverance and patience from the experience, I suppose; like when I child is first learning to walk, the parents allow him/her to fall so that they will learn to get back up and try again...

My new plan is to plan on planning with God. And even if I am stretched or placed out of my comfort zone or even if things don't look like I think they should, God has a purpose in it all. This summer has taught me that God often walks around with a bag full of monkey wrenches and just when I think my plan has transpired perfectly, BAM!, I get knocked on the head with something unexpected. I will say that my biggest fault in all of this is not consulting God before planning. My new motto (for lack of a better term) is, "I am not in control. God is. Ask him first before forging ahead!" EEEKS!!! Just the sound of that (relinquishing "control) makes me nervous, but how much sweeter is it to rely on the One who knows it all before I do...

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Proverbs 19:21 ²¹ You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

Friendship quotes

2009-08-15T18:44:00.003-04:00

Best friends never tell each other that they're best friends, they just know.
-- Unknown.

When a friend is in trouble, dont annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.
-- E. W. Howe.

To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.
-- Charles Dickens.

27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
-- Proverbs, 27:6.

If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however, if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Time Economist

2009-08-12T21:17:00.003-04:00

I am a true believer in spending my time wisely. Now grant it, I do vegetate in front of the TV from time to time in order to get my mind off of life in general...

Although I believe in purposeful activities and relationships whether leisure, work, friends/family time, I am learning often something may seem like a waste of time when in fact it is not.

Here are a few of my examples of "time wasting activities": 1) Although this sounds horrible, I really believe that fire drills are a waste of time. We have to conduct one per month at school and it's really not my favorite thing to do, but we have to. The obvious reason for conducting the fire drill is to continue to prepare the children in case of an emergency, I get that. But do we have to do it every month!?! Yes we do and at the end of the day I know that the children benefit from practicing and in essence the practice could and would save their lives. 2) Waiting. Waiting in general is SUCH a waste of time to me! Waiting for people, specifically. I know that one must wait for a cake to bake in order for it to be safe to consume, or wait at a red stop light in order to avoid a major pile up, or even wait for their clothes to finish drying in the dryer so that they can wear them. That is purposeful waiting. But waiting on people when they're late well, is such a waste of time. Ugh! Just as a side note I do have an issue for waiting in general, not just for people but for God too :-)...is that impatience? Hmmmm, quite possibly. I'm working on it, hence this blog post. 3) Raking leaves. Yes, raking leaves seems like such a waste of time especially when there are leaves still on the trees that are going to fall on to the nice leaf-free ground that you have just raked. Raking always perplexed me. I do understand that people want nice neat yards, but I say let nature run it's course and well eventually all of the leaves would have fallen and you can pick them up then. Now, I don't know much about gardening or botany or anything like that, so that's my take on leaf raking as ignorant as it may sound.

Well I gave all of those examples to make a point, I promise! This summer has taught me that some things in life don't make sense. Like investing time in projects that never come to fruition (obvious waste of time in my book) or even constantly waiting for people. Every "waste of time experience" has taught me something about myself this summer and sometimes even some things about God. Life doesn't always make sense, which sucks. Relationships don't always make sense, people surely don't always make sense, but you learn from the perplexities that are attached to those confusing people and situations. I've learned what I definitely do and don't like, how to become more patient and tolerant of people who aren't like me and most importantly every situation, no matter how bizarre, has the capability to teach me something about myself. And in that learning I'm definitely growing as a person. I'm starting to understand that usually when I think some activity, situation, or interaction is a waste of my precious time, I need to pay close attention because there is indeed a chunk of knowledge waiting for me at the end.

Quote

2009-08-07T10:11:00.002-04:00

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” ~Maya Angelou

(I'm not quite sure if this quote is really by Maya Angelou...there's some controversy about that...)

Blessed

2009-08-04T17:28:00.002-04:00

After speaking with a friend today I realized that my posts can be a bit heavy, introspective, and maybe a little "sad." Ooops! So I thought I'd post something light and "positive", because writing from that perspective is so much fun! (I should do it more often!)

I just really wanted to write about how blessed I really am. I have some really great friends, family and students (and their families) that are super encouraging and positive. I have been blessed with people in my life who believe in me when I don't believe in myself, are so open about how much they love me and who are able to be completely honest with me no matter what.

I must say that the children that I work with both at school and privately are so important and special to me, and their families have really been great to work with and extremely supportive of both me and their children. I couldn't ask for more from parents or students. It makes my job much more enjoyable and it lets me know that in some small way I am making a difference in some little person's life.

My close friends, although few, are really amazing. They make me laugh, encourage me, listen to me talk about the same things over and over, and are just fun to be around. I've learned that true friends are hard to come by and friendships take commitment and respect, and I have that in all of my friendships. I really view my friends as my family. I would do anything for them and couldn't imagine my life without their love and support. (Thanks guys!!!)

Of course you can't chose your family, but you can chose to love them :-). My family can be so funny and entertaining. They are also supportive and honest with me when I'm trying to make major decisions. I know that they love me and would do anything for me...which is awesome. At the end of the day, they'll be there for me when no else is ...that's something that I truly do believe :-).

So, all and all, I have a great life. God has really blessed me with an amazing life. Things definitely don't go the way that I would want them to all of the time. I have been through disappointments, heartbreaks, and all types of hurts. But it's been the great people that God has placed in my life that has helped me pull through all of the bad and celebrate all of the good. I truly believe in telling people exactly how you feel about them while you're here on earth. It's amazing how great it feels to hear that you're loved and appreciated. So, I challenge all of you, as cliche' as it sounds, to tell the people around you how much you care, how much you love and appreciate who they are in your lives. I'm certain it will not only make you feel great but you'll be able to bless someone else with your kind words!

Motives

2009-07-31T00:09:00.003-04:00

What is driving you? What is driving you, you may be asking in return. Well, that's a great question. It's a question that I must constantly ask myself. If I don't regularly check myself, or maybe it's better to say if I don't allow God to check me, my motives can get shady.

Sometimes it's hard to objectively determine the motive behind our actions. The obvious everyday tasks, like working, taking care of families and the like have concrete motives. Survival. As humans we have to do a lot of things to simply survive. I'm not really inquiring about the motive or motives behind those actions...I'm actually wondering and have been thinking about the motives behind acts that may appear noble, "spiritual", "wise" and so forth.

Busying our lives with everyday tasks, even in the ministry world can give us the illusion that we are indeed doing all the right things at the right time for the right reasons. Working ourselves to death to "further our careers" or get ahead, volunteering, donating finances to certain organizations...the list goes on...But often, we can get caught up in the doing...and not realize why we're doing what we're doing. Even in friendships and relationships motives can be not so authentic, creating unhealthy relationships, hurt, betrayal...

If we dig deep, we may discover that we are "doing the right thing" to simply clear our consciences or to check off our "I've completed my good thing for the day" task on our to do lists. We may discover that if we admitted it to ourselves, we are obsessed with money and we are living for it, worshipping it; that we are concerned about what others think about us more than what God thinks, and we may discover that we're making decisions only to please ourselves, our flesh.

Motive is important. Motive is a true reflection of our hearts. And even if we are doing all "the right things" for people, but our motives are selfish, or impure or self seeking, God knows. We can't keep secrets from him. And the harder we try to convince ourselves that as long as we keep doing the right thing, even if it's for the wrong reason, it will be OK; we're living a lie. Because at the end of the day our motives will be revealed. We'll burn out, end up working ourselves to death and neglecting our loved ones and lose sight of our true purposes in life....

I guess I've said all of that to say, that God cares more about our motives than our actions. Legalism is bondage. God doesn't require us to meet a "good deed" quota of the day, He doesn't require us to make a certain amount of money or say just the right thing all of the time. He cares about our hearts, our intentions. And if we really allow Him to strip us down to the nitty gritty of it all, he'll reveal our intentions and sometimes it's not cute, but it's necessary. It's necessary so that we can operate in truth...in sincerity. So that we can serve others from our hearts, not out of obligation; so that we can follow the voice of God instead of our greedy voices when making decisions about our careers and so that we can adopt His heart, His desires, His motives.

It's hard to evaluate yourself and discover that you have impure motives. We all do in some areas of our lives at one point or another...But we're human, and it's OK...we can't be perfect. And the more we seek ourselves truly, the more we learn to reach out to God to create in us clean hearts...The more authentic we become. If we can get past the pride of admitting that we aren't always the most sincere people and humble ourselves, we can continue to grow. I'm not saying that it's wrong to work hard, to make money, to serve others. I'm definitely not saying that at all. But sometimes we can become a slave to those things...and in that we lose sight of God and what He wants for our lives. That's it.

Create in me a clean heart Oh God and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

Trust

2009-07-25T23:19:00.003-04:00

Trust : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something : one in which confidence is placed (according to Merriam-Webster)

Trust is a tricky thing. It's a tough thing. When I think of trust, 2 things pop into my mind: 1) God and 2) that team building activity where one person stands with their back to a group of co-workers, team mates, and the like, and fall backwards while anticipating the group catching them before they burst their head's wide open on the ground.

I am learning to trust people to be people and God to be God...It's easier to trust someone to be themselves than to hope that they will be the person that you think they should be. Trusting God is a complex thing in and of itself because He doesn't give you a plan, blueprint or even his brainstorming ideas. He just wants you to trust Him. To trust His character. Quite frankly, it's a difficult feat for me to trust both man and God without question. I am learning to trust God's character...He's reliable, always (even if you don't know exactly how He's going to work something out). I am also learning to trust people to be the best that they are capable of being, including myself.

In learning to trust I am learning to ask for help. Because in order to ask for help you have to trust that someone, including God is going to help you. Pride, I tell ya, and of course distrust can get in the way of being helped, especially when you need it. At this stage in my life, trust is such a big deal, not only in my relationship with God, but in my relationships with people in general. I am learning that people are, indeed capable of helping and following through with their word. I am also learning that sometimes you don't have time to "make" someone prove that they can be trusted...Sometimes you need someone right away or in short notice and you just have to take a chance on them. I mean, who am I to even question some one's trustworthiness...I am human just like everyone else and can't always be trusted.

This lesson of trust is also teaching me that I am not self-reliant. Self-reliance can be a prideful, lonely, and stressful place and there are so many people with huge hearts that want to bless you (and me) with help and support. I have had (and still do) so many things going on this summer...so, so much with work and ministry and LIFE that I have been exhausted some days and have had no choice but to lean on people that were willing to help me, just to make it through a week. And thank God those people were there to lean on!!!!

Just as an aside...this has been one crazy summer! I have gone through so many changes. I started a new ministry, while continuing to work part-time, new business ventures, friends coming and going, and the list goes on and on... I guess that's why I've blogged so often, as an outlet. I feel like I've been on a crash course of life lessons...spiritual lessons. The learning has been somewhat exhausting, but I've learned a lot about myself and people and most importantly, God. I probably would have gone completely, undoubtedly, crazy without God, because He's always awake to talk to, cry to, complain to, lean on....so the biggest lesson has been That. God really is always there. I always knew that...but it's been made painfully and joyfully clear to me this summer :-).

Real Self...

2009-07-22T18:39:00.002-04:00

"Until you have given up your self to Him you will not have a real self..."

C.S. Lewis

I used to think that I could find joy and fulfillment in satisfying me and only me. My mind was constantly working trying to decide what I could do to make myself happy. Self-absorbed with pleasing only me. I am learning that life has no purpose without surrendering totally to Christ and His will. Because He is joy. He is peace. That can't be found in any other relationship...no matter how much value you place on that person and their meaning in your life, because people are people, full of faults and will undoubtedly disappoint. That peace...that joy can't be found in any hobby, favorite pastime or career. All He asks for is You. Not a list of rules to follow, or ritualistic behavior. Just you. And when you trust him just a bit, he will take your little bit of faith and turn it into purpose and peace. I have determined that I have no purpose without Him. His purpose for my life will yield everlasting results...that, my friends, is something that I could not conjure up on my own. And although his answers to some of my questions are not always the answers I want to hear, they are the answers I need to here. He is the lover of my soul. That I know very well, and He has my best interest in mind always. He is teaching me gently to trust in Him, which is not always easy, but worth it. His thoughts and desires are becoming mine...His heart mine. I just sincerely pray that I continue to keep my eyes focused on Him and only Him...that is the only way I can continue discovering the real me :-).

Masterpieces

2009-07-21T20:48:00.003-04:00

Whether it's a bump on your nose, the texture of your hair, the size of your bottom, the sound of your voice, your personality, or your height...we all have things about ourselves that we may want to alter or change. Sometimes these desires for change stem from lies that we have bought into from society and media, or from negative comments from family or friends that we have heard so often that we begin to believe...

But what is sooo amazing about all of us is that God created and designed us. All of us uniquely. Not one of us exactly alike, with different shapes, hues, personalities, passions, laughs, smiles, cries, eyes, dimples...all of us uniquely designed. And we all have something in us that someone can relate to in some way or another. All of us have a story, or a victory, a trial, or a personality that can reach and touch someone...because God has made us with this deep desire to connect with one another. We are creatures of relationships. Whether you love being the center of attention or prefer spending quiet time with close friends and family we all feed and thrive off of human contact, relationships, and connections. I truly believe that all of the people that we encounter in our lives are placed their for a specific purpose...maybe to teach us a lesson, to show us something about ourselves, to encourage us, to make us laugh, or sometimes even to make us cry.

There is a scripture in the Bible that says (and I'm paraphrasing a bit) that we are God's masterpieces (Ephesians 2:9, NLT). What an honor to be called masterpieces of the God of the universe. That makes me smile. So, I have come to the conclusion that God finds beauty in our imperfections...in our loud laughs, our awkwardness, even the things about ourselves that we find most unappealing. He can take those imperfections and make them beautiful in some way. Whether it is the way we communicate to someone or touch their lives...God can take any imperfection and transform it into something amazingly gorgeous.

Psalm 139:13-18

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

Randomness Take 2...How do you connect?

2009-07-19T16:44:00.004-04:00

As mentioned in so many of my other blogs I am a communicator. A verbal communicator. Usually my actions coincide with my words, or at least I try to make that a priority in my life. If I say I'm going to so something I do it. I if I say I love someone, I show it. If I say I don't like coconut...well, I don't eat it. You get the picture.

One of the observations that I have made in life, is that everyone communicates, loves and connects differently. Okay, you can hold the applause and book deals for this original thought (I'm kidding). I know this isn't an original thought and not really an "aha" moment either. Just an observation. My problem is figuring everyone out. Let's observe some types of communicators/friends/lovers:

1) Some people communicate/connect/love more with actions than words. They aren't big talkers but you know how they feel by their actions...I would call these people "the silent reliable type"... kindof like a person who never tells you they love you but they are always there for you, supporting you in all the major events, upsets, and celebrations in life.

2) Then there are the "action talkers" and I mean talkers; people who would literally talk your head off if they could...but that would be OK, because all of their actions match up with the amount of talking they perform. These would be "the outgoing supportive type," if you will. They mean what they say, say what they mean, do what they say and say what they do :-).

3) Ok, next we have the "talkers only." This doesn't need much explanation. Here we have the people that are all talk and no action. We all know people like this...and some of us may even be a "talker only." :-(

4) Now, the next type of person is the type that creates the most confusion in my life. These are the "mystery connectors/friends," these people are terribly hard to figure out. Let's give a description. These would be people who talk and connect for a time and then retreat. Or those who are in your life and then fade out and then back in (if you allow them back in) and so forth. Those who you think are your friends...maybe?? ? But maybe not? This mystery connector/friend person could take on a variety forms--sending mixed signals, erratic/irrational behavior, overall inconsistent; all of which leave the person they communicate or connect with perplexed...because at the end of the day their "friends" and loved ones don't really know where they stand in that person's life.

So there you have it. My take or break down of different ways that people love, connect, befriend, whatever. I'm sure there are others...I will confess that I can be a mystery communicator/friend at times...which I am working on. It's one of my defense mechanisms for coping with life and dealing with people, but like I said I'm working on it.

With all of that said...what type of communicator/friend/loved best describes you (feel free to add new ones :-) )? Just curious...

Random Confusion: Men

2009-07-17T22:21:00.004-04:00

I often try to decide exactly how honest and open I should be in this blog, I must say that I do believe that blogging should be candid, honest and genuine...I know I post a lot about my relationship with the Lord...revelations, learning experiences and what not, that I have and am experiencing with and through Him. And yes, that journey has been great, but other random things cross my mind that I often want to write about but don't know quite how to approach the topics...these random, run-away thoughts, if you will, are just as much of a part of my growing as a person and as a Christian as my more "spiritual" (for a lack of better term) thoughts and "aha" moments. So, I have decided to write about a topic that brings a good amount of confusion to my life, at times...men. Yes, I said it, men.

I don't really want to talk about men from a relational stand point...just from more of a general standpoint...because speaking from a relational standpoint, is way too complex and involved. Let's keep it simple.

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand men at all, but being the person that I am, I so want to...just to eliminate some of my perplexing moments in dealing with them. Here are some things that I have observed about men...which most women probably have as well...things that I don't understand...

Here we go: (oh! and these are generalizations...not to be applied to every male...I mean who wants to be generalized, right?)

1. (Some) Men only listen to give solutions. Examples: Woman: Whew! I'm tired. Man: Then you should rest. Woman: Wow, this job is really stressing me out. Man: Then you should get a new job. I don't understand why a solution has to accompany listening to a problem...

2. (Some) Men follow the directions given, not necessarily the additional steps implied from the initial direction given. Example: Woman: Will you take out the trash? Man: Takes out the trash but doesn't replace the garbage bag.

3. (Some) Men like concrete stories; stories without a lot of flowery details. Main points only please and just get to the bottom line...now this one I can relate to. I don't like a lot of details normally. I am a bottom line, big picture type of person. So this behavior is not too perplexing to me.

4. I don't have any specific examples for this one, but I've noticed that men interpret life in general so much differently than women...which can be confusing in and of itself, making conversations and debates exhausting.

5. (Some) Men hate asking for directions or help. I don't think I'll ever understand this one. It just seems logical to me that if one asks for help or directions, then tasks can be completed more rapidly and destinations can be reached in a more timely fashion.

These are just a few of the baffling behaviors of men. I will say that, I know that God created men differently from women for specific reasons. I know that these differences often balance out friendships and relationships which is definitely a good thing. And as stated, maybe I'm not supposed to "get" all the little idiosyncrasies of manhood. Maybe it's best that I don't...because I'm sure that just as I am often befuddled (don't you love that word!) by men, they feel the same about us, as women, which is understandable...we are a complex gender. But I thought I'd share some of my random thoughts and questions...hopefully there will be more to come.

Sometimes all you hear is silence...

2009-07-13T22:08:00.005-04:00

I would definitely consider myself a communicator...Rarely, do I have difficulty explaining how I feel and why I feel the way that I do. Now, I don't always share my feelings...but if prompted or provoked I could and would have the words to clearly state my point of view and or feelings on most topics. I would venture to say that most...not all, but, most women are verbal communicators. I believe that is the way God created us...This may sound crazy but I'm figuring that since Adam had no one to talk to initially... he just naturally wasn't a talker...and being that Eve was created to be Adam's companion, well, she always had someone to talk to...making her a more natural verbal communicator. Now that is just some weird, crazy theory that I have come up with, with no biblical basis at all (besides the whole Adam and Eve being created deal)...and really all of this has nothing to do with this blog post...I digress, any who...

I communicate with God quite often. Lately, I have had so much going on, so many questions I would like answered for clarity needed to take the "right" steps...so, of course some if not most of these concerns and questions have been a part of my prayers and conversations with the Lord. More often than not he wants me to be more on the listening end than the talking end...Which can be difficult at times, because as stated earlier I am a verbal communicator :-). I am learning that God doesn't communicate like me. Which is a good thing, I'm sure. Often he doesn't have much, if anything at all to say in response to some of my requests, thoughts, fears, questions, confusion, frustration, distress...you get the picture. Sometimes all I hear is silence...as "oxymoronic" (that's not really a word) as that sounds, it's true...God's silence speaks volumes.

See, I like to talk things through, rationalize things, analyze, hypothesize, you get the picture. And from my experience with the Lord. He doesn't always break things down....Again, sometimes all you hear is silence. But, I am learning, that the silence, in fact means something (my "aha! moment, if you will). He is speaking through the silence! Ha! My epiphany...realizing that the silence often means, "wait," "trust," "we've already talked about this...you know how I feel," "I am," "be still." God doesn't have to literally "speak" in order to speak volumes. Usually his actions speak for themselves, through blessings, doors of opportunity opening or closing, confirmation through other people, and so forth.

Honestly, I hate silence. I hate being ignored...I hate confusion, gray areas...not knowing....It really drives me insane, if you must know the truth, but God is teaching me to rest in His silence. Trust in the silence, have faith in me when you don't hear me, have faith and trust when things don't make sense, trust my character, I am who I say that I am...is what He is saying, I'm certain. Now, don't get me wrong...God is not always silent. His still quiet voice...or sometimes even a loud cautionary voice that I discern and hear within is often there...especially when I need it most...

However, I'm thinking that He wants me to trust Him even in the silence, to find peace in His audible silence. To know that He never changes...He's so consistent...and whether I hear Him or not, whether I "feel" Him or not, he's there...screaming (with the mute button pressed-in case you needed a visual) "trust me," "wait on me," "I'm still here," "be still and know that I am God." So, I am trying to find peace and solace in the "soundlessness" of it all...He's still there. I know He is. His silence is speaking, I just need to listen...

Exodus 3:14 God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM"; and He said, "Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, 'I AM has sent me to you.'"

Ecclesiastes 1:1,7 To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven; A time to keep silence and a time to speak.

Psalm 37:4-5 Delight yourself in the Lord, and do good, Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, And he shall give you the desires of your heart.

Misery Loves Company...

2009-07-06T07:51:00.001-04:00

You all have heard and probably even used this common quote...I know that I have. Sadly but true, this quote is truth...

We all go through our lives carrying our hurts, victories, and lessons learned...our baggage. Often when our bags are filled with anger, resentment, pain, neglect, abandonment and so forth, it is reflected in our everyday demeanor. We become miserable. All the time. And normally don't have a problem showing that misery and sharing it with everyone around us. Finding the negative side of things in all situations, the "glass half empty syndrome", if you will. For those of you or us whose bags aren't filled with so many negative and hurtful experiences life's perspective is totally different. Finding the brighter side of situations isn't so difficult and hoping for the best doesn't seem pointless and like a waste of time. Now, when putting 2 people with 2 opposing mindsets together for an extended period of time, more often than not, the perspective of the person carrying the "not so happy" baggage is going to negatively affect the typically positive person.

I used to have more of a negative outlook on life. Typically hoping for the worst to avoid disappointment. A defense mechanism at it's best. Life is crazy and often the craziness that occurs to us whether self-inflicted (for lack of a better term) or not, can develop a calloused, jaded, resentful person. I never really realized I was being negative until after doing some self reflection, self-observation, and a ton of prayer...not a fun thing to discover about yourself, I must admit.

I guess I'm saying all of this to say...when you are suffering from "the glass half empty syndrome", often you are a dream-crusher, incredibly difficult to be around and ultimately toxic to others around you...especially your loved ones. I am still working and growing in this area...I want to be more of an encourager, a supporter, a looking on the brighter-side of things thinker and simply fun to be around...I have found so much value in the relationships I have with people who are positive and supportive. I am constantly inspired by them. Having a positive state of mind is definitely a choice. Often we have to work through some things to get there, but with God all things are possible. And in order to be all that He would have us to be we have make sure we're taking care of ourselves emotionally so that we can be a reflection of Christ's love, sensitivity and hope to others. Because I'm completely convinced that He delights in His children bringing hope and joy to others...especially to those who are hopeless and in pain.

Beach Revelation...

2009-07-04T16:22:00.000-04:00

Well here I am at the beach...first and foremost, the awesomeness and magnitude of How Great our God is has really consumed me. No, this is not the first time I've been to the beach...if you're wondering. I have been several times...tons of times. Played in the ocean, walked on the beach, collected shells, been overtaken by huge waves and all of that. But...this time I've really taken in how big God is...organizing the tides, the sun's setting and rising, stopping the ocean at the "right" spot. I'm in awe. Not because I'm experiencing something particularly new...maybe a new perspective because of how my relationship with Christ has grown and changed over time. God can do anything. Whether it's controlling the tides, changing the seasons, keeping the planets in orbit or simply ordering our daily steps. I guess my one and only prayer and hope for all of you who are reading this is to know that God cares about everything...especially about humanity, especially about you--all of the details about YOU. Afterall he created us in his image for a reason. He cares about your hopes, your dreams, your broken hearts, and most fulfilling moments. Yes, the big awesome God of the universe cares about every little detail about you...and me too. Now, that is freakin amazing.

Gen 1:27 So God created human beings in His own image, In the image of God he created them.

Isaiah 42:5 God, the Lord created the heavens and stretched them out. He created the earth and everything in it. He gives breath to everyone, life to everyone who walks the earth.

Love...

2009-06-29T17:48:00.001-04:00

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

C.S. Lewis

Pliably Peaceful

2009-06-28T17:55:00.006-04:00

Many of you who may know me, may describe me as a bit uptight, anxious...possibly even a worrier. If you don't know me that well, at first glance I appear laid back and pretty at ease about things but...that's really a front :-). Often, I am going crazy inside and just trying to hold it together on the outside for the sake of appearance. Which is really not authentic at all...I need to work on being more authentic...anyway, got off on a little tangent there. I'm writing all of this to say that lately I have been feeling so peaceful, especially about the decisions that I am making in my life. Decisions about change and moving forward. In my previous post I spoke about surrendering...which is a bit scary but boy, is it freeing! And in that freedom there is an abundance of peace.

I am slowly realizing that my being "in control" isn't really reality. I often feel like if I know what's going on...if everything makes sense to ME...then I'm in control and things are going well. But life doesn't always work that way. I'm definitely not condoning or encouraging a lack order, or planning or forethought...But I am realizing that I have to be pliable in order to be used by God. It's crazy that God created us out of clay and then call himself our potter. Well, it really isn't crazy, it makes perfect sense! In the "clay world" there are different types of clay. Some types of clay are easier to work with and mold and others are just down right stiff and take a lot more energy and effort form. I'm definitely not a clay expert by any means, but some of the most pliable clay is recycled clay...It's all different types of clay clumped together to make "new clay" hence the name recycled (I am getting to a point...I promise). God needs us to be recycled clay...Easily mold-able and if he needs to squish us all up and start over again we have to be willing to allow him to do that. It's so cool that the Bible says that we are God's masterpieces. He is molding and forming us into beautiful art for Him. So that when people see us...they see Him.

Being pliable is peaceful. I have plans and desires for my life, but ultimately God knows what I need, and who I need, and when I need what I need. And knowing that the almighty God of the universe cares about me and my life, and you and your life is so amazing...and so worth being pliable. Because then you know that it's all going to work. All things work together for good for them that love the Lord. It's not always easy, or smiley or happy or any of that, but God's grace and His strength can pull you through anything. I mean what could bring more peace than knowing that God has it all planned out and all I have to do is listen and follow. Of course this is daily mindset that I must chose to embrace...because by nature, I like to control MY life, but my life isn't really my own...

It belongs to Christ and as hard it is sometimes to lay down my flesh, it's worth it, because God always shows up. And when he shows up he never disappoints. He's awesome.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 64:8 Yet, O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter, we are all the work of your hand.

Surrendering

2009-06-20T14:57:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt like the Lord was leading you in a different direction, but you couldn't quite figure out which direction that might be? To some of you that may sound a little strange but, that's how I have been feeling for the last couple of months. I feel like my life is transitioning in so many areas...My perspective and mindset alone is so different than it was let's say 6 months ago.

God has given me new ministry passions, renewed faith in Him and a stronger sense of purpose in life. I am waiting and praying for God to reveal to me what exactly it is that he wants me to do. Move or stay? Venture into new ministries or stay put? His directions for at least the last 3 years have been "wait, stay and pray." I have always had the desire to live in another city and experience life in a new way. But I never felt at peace about leaving Charlotte...

As a matter of fact, the origination of this blog stemmed from my desire to be an overseas missionary. Eventhough I had this strong desire to serve the Lord in this capacity, He didn't give me a peace about pursuing that venture at that time. Now, looking back, I am so glad that I listened and waited. I had some pretty major medical issues, and quite honestly I wasn't spiritually or emotionally ready to take that plunge on my own. Now, that a couple of years have past, I have a sense of peace of about transition to a different season in my life. I'm listening and waiting, knowing that God does honor our ability and willingness to wait on Him. I am completely open to all that He has planned for me. I am also aware that God may ask me to do some things that stretch me, place me out of my comfort zone, or make me feel like "what?!?!?!?" But I'm willing to step out on faith knowing that God never leads us into situations that He can't handle. He is a provider, comforter and ultimately the only consistent in life.

So transitions are coming, I'm not sure how soon or far away...I'm not even sure what they will look or feel like, but I'm ready to be obedient...I am ready to surrender.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Learning to Love

2009-06-13T09:01:00.003-04:00

I am learning to love. That such a big statement to make. Filled with so many implications, complexities and questions. You may be thinking learning to love what? or Who? My answer would simply be learning to love...period. For several years, I was very protective of myself and my emotions, finding it difficult to be vulnerable in friendships and relationships. This lack of vulnerability spilled over into my relationship with the Lord as well. I had difficulty being myself, expressing exactly how I felt and accepting love from other people and more importantly the Lord.

I have definitely been growing in this area over the past few months. Learning that feeling and being emotionally involved with others is not going to kill me...emotionally that is. I am extremely passionate about the people that I care about and often that passion can lend itself to being hurt. But God is teaching me that He, too, is extremely passionate about us. He loves us intensely...relentlessly and doesn't give up on us even after we have hurt him, betrayed him, or turned our backs on him. I know that I don't have the nature or propensity on my own to love as the Lord loves, but I do know that by allowing Him to change my heart, I can extend myself as He has extended Himself.

I was praying just the other day about this area in my life and the Lord simply said to me, align your definition of love with mine. I was thinking "whoa, that's a tall order, Lord." But doesn't the word say that we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. So, I am allowing God to continue to strengthen me in this area, knowing that heartache and pain may be involved, but it won't kill me...it may not even make me any stronger, but it will show and teach me in some way how the Lord loves me. All I really want to do is love as He has loved us...loving others patiently, kindly, selflessly, without holding grudges, rejoicing in truth and goodness, and persevering through much. And hopefully, God will delight my efforts to love as He has, because His delight is my biggest joy.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 4:8

Patience and Grace

2009-05-07T22:49:00.004-04:00

For all who may know me I am often considered "type a", a go-getter, reliable, prompt, schedule oriented, task oriented...you get it. Although these can be very positive traits, they can also bring out an ugly part in me...Dare I say, a mean side of me...

Recently, I have been praying for God to really inject his patience and grace in me. I know this sounds extreme, but this is an area that needs a lot of work, I will admit. I like promptness, reliability, schedules, itineraries...some level of predictability. Let's provide an example: If one of my friends is meeting me for lunch at 11:30, I normally arrive at 11:15 to get myself situated and anticipate them arriving at 11:30, promptly. As the minutes tick, 11:31, 11:32, 11:33 my level of anxiety increases, almost like a thermostat going from 60 degrees to 160 degrees. I become antsy, irritated and then after around 15 minutes. I usually just get plain mad. My theory has always been, one shows another respect, by respecting their time. So, if someone is late without calling, stands me up, or doesn't go through with a commitment, It really ticks me off! My being ticked usually leads to some form of attitude "problem." I have been more aware my lack of patience and grace with people and have really been seeking God in this area of my life...because being impatient and ungracious is not cute, nor does God delight in it!

God has given me some amazing insight regarding this thing called patience as well as grace, and has allowed me to take a glimpse, if you will, through His perspective. God's patience is amazing and downright unbelievable. You see, we ignore Him, stand Him up, don't talk to Him for days, are late for meetings with Him, hurt him, avoid Him, betray Him...the list goes on. But His arms are still open wide, patiently waiting, willing to forgive, willing to love, willing to accept, willing to pour out grace, willing to comfort, willing to be whatever we need Him to be. He is so patient with us. He doesn't fuss us out when we're 15 minutes or 15 days late for a date with Him, he doesn't ignore us when we don't do what we said we were going to...He just loves us and really all He wants from us is to love and live for Him in return. So with that insight I have realized that we, as Christians, must strive to exhibit a gracious level of patience. I'm not saying that we should allow people to take advantage of us, but we do need to stretch our level of ability to have patience with people. Interact with people in love....and grace, so that they can see Christ in us.

I am a firm believer that all people act a certain way for a certain reason. Someone's actions may be a reflection of a hurt they've experienced or a lack of confidence...or whatever, who knows. God has allowed me to see that not everyone who is late is disrespecting me. Not everyone who is distant or unpredictable is mean or moody. He's growing me to see beyond the behavior and into the root or cause of the behavior, thus increasing my patience and grace with people.

I have so much growing to do. So, so much more learning to do. God is so faithful. If you ask Him to reveal something to you He will as he has done in this situation. My patience is growing millimeter my millimeter each day, however, I don't think this is an area that I will ever "master", for lack of a better term. But I'm OK with that. As long as I'm growing, I'm OK with that.

Christianity and Culture

2009-04-26T08:15:00.006-04:00

One of my passions in life is culture. I love learning about all types of cultures....their food, their perspective on life and their language. I'm not bilingual, trilingual or anything by any stretch of the imagination, but I appreciate the difference in language structure and how similar and not similar certain languages are to English. But enough about the languages (sorry for the tangent).

Being raised in the South has actually been a good experience for me. I have only had a few experiences with blatant racism and overall have made friends across all ethnicities and cultures. Being a Christian in the South has been a very interesting experience. I'm a bit ignorant of the "Christian culture" in other parts of the nation, but here in the South our Christian community, if you will, is still largely segregated. There has been a big shift in integrating and coming together across racial lines, but for the most part, most large and well established churches represent a certain race or ethnic group and that is just accepted as the norm. Let me explain, that I do believe that there is comfort in being around people that are like us, not just from a racial standpoint, but age, socio-economic status and the list goes on...that's our nature as humans, to be surrounded by people that are generally like us, because it's comfortable. But, I feel like it's time to step out of our comfort zones so to speak and reach and worship across the boundaries. For I know that when we learn to appreciate and see the beauty in our differences then our love for humanity will increase, our acceptance for difference will increase and our ability to express God's unconditional and unbiased love will increase as well. It's easy to love those who are like us. It's also easy to use the differences in our cultures here in America as an excuse to remain separated and segregated. But we are called just one body of Christ. One church, and I do believe that by coming together on the commonality of Christ alone we are far more powerful and effective than remaining segregated merely for the sake of ease and comfort.

Maybe God has placed this passion in me so that I can help in some small way to break down these boundaries in the Christian community. So that God's love is truly demonstrated through a coming together of all who love Christ or who are seeking, a deliberate approach to being culturally relevant across all races and ethnicities in the church setting, while maintaining the true gospel message. I truly believe that God does and will delight in this. It would be difficult for one to convince that God intended us to be segregated and apart here on earth and only be united as one once we enter heaven...

Ephesians 4:3-6

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.

Ephesians 2:11-16

Don’t forget that you Gentiles used to be outsiders. You were called “uncircumcised heathens” by the Jews, who were proud of their circumcision, even though it affected only their bodies and not their hearts. In those days you were living apart from Christ. You were excluded from citizenship among the people of Israel, and you did not know the covenant promises God had made to them. You lived in this world without God and without hope. But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.

For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations. He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by creating in himself one new people from the two groups. Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death.

Feminist?????

2009-04-19T22:09:00.004-04:00

Some may say that I am a feminist...which I would vehemently challenge, because I really and truly don't feel like a feminist. There are just certain "traditional gender roles" that rub me the wrong way. It may have something to do with the way that I was raised or the craziness that I have experienced in life...who knows??? Let's give some examples...1) Women should cook most meals and fix their husband's plates 2) women should keep the home clean 3) women should take care of the children by changing their diapers, feeding them and taking care of the majority of their basic needs. These are just a few examples of traditional gender roles for women. Let me explain that I don't think that there is anything wrong with women performing any of the duties, my problem is a man EXPECTING them without discussion or conversation. I highly respect stay at home moms and wives and know that they work extremely hard to keep their households running. My views about traditional gender roles may be one of the reasons why I am still single...heehee, which may mean I need to reevaluate the way I view life and relationships with men in general. I guess my biggest fear is being taken advantage of and unappreciated, which I am praying about. I know that in order to have a healthy and balanced relationship there has to be a lot of give and take...compromise, vulnerability, communication and willingness to understand and respect another's point of view. I also need to realize that everyone (particularly men) is not always out to get me and in all honesty I don't want to reverse the traditional roles...I don't want to take out the garbage, cut the grass, keep all the light bulbs changed and so forth. So, maybe the issue isn't the gender the role it self, but an attitude of chauvinism that sometimes comes attached to traditionalism. I am fervently praying that God will give me some clarity regarding this situation....I do want to be a good, godly wife one day and I know that the only way that I will be able to be successful in this arena is to fully submit to God's will regarding marriage and relationships. Lots of growing to do.....Lots.

Godly Lenses

2009-04-19T09:28:00.004-04:00

We are what we believe we are.
C. S. Lewis

Over the past few months, this quote has resounded loudly in me; Louder than I could even realize. As I am growing as a person and a Christian I am learning to view myself as God views me. Not through the lenses of my faults, my past, my bad decisions, my imperfection, but through Christ's lenses. For I am fearfully and wonderfully made, a creation of the almighty God and I will no longer allow anyone, especially satan, to switch my personal viewing lenses again. Because when I look through tainted and deceptive lenses, I allow myself to be mistreated, focus on all of the lies instead of God's truth and in essence allow satan to win instead of Christ. So, I have made a commitment to myself and to God that I will keep his glasses on, viewing myself through his graceful and all loving eyes because in doing this I worship more freely, spend more time with Him and build healthy, balanced friendships. God didn't create us to doubt his creation but to be the best we can in and through Him...and that is exactly what I intend to do.

Anxiety

2009-04-11T08:42:00.002-04:00

I have a confession...I have anxiety issues, which I think stem from my issues with control...OK, I know this is not a psychotherapy session, but self analyzing never hurt anyone right? Let me give you a brief example and then we will proceed. At my school I have to do "bus duty" every single morning, come rain or shine. I won't say it's my least favorite thing to do, but it's not my favorite. Anyway, there is a clip board that we (my coworker and I) must take out everyday to record the number of children on each bus and the time each bus arrives. I am getting to the point...At first I was a bit territorial over the clipboard and didn't want my co-worker to hold it or write the numbers and times down (I know, can we say control issues????) and then I thought OK this is ridiculous! It's just a stupid clipboard, so I relinquished the "clipboard control" if you will and "let" her start writing on it. But I still had rules about the clipboard, like if she starts writing the numbers down on Monday, she must continue to write them down for the duration of the week (because I didn't want our handwritings to be mixed up on the clipboard....can we say crazy!!!). Well, I soon got over that rule because it was just plan dumb and now my anxiety over the bus duty clipboard has subsided because...I've realized that 1) it's just a stupid bus duty clipboard and 2) It really doesn't matter who writes the stupid times and numbers on it. I've grown :-)

So let's get to the philosophical and of course Christ centered lesson I am learning from my bus duty clipboard experiences. I am not in control of my life. All the little things I try to control and make rules and regulations for don't really matter because Christ is in control. When I try to put him in a box, put limitations on his ability to handle and control my life, in the end I just look rather foolish and end up doing what he wanted me to do from the beginning. God has had to kindof strip me down from my belief that I was in control. I always "knew" He was in control but I didn't really live that out. So I am growing. His plans are always much cooler and much more interesting than my own. I am learning to hand over the proverbial bus duty clipboard, if you will, and give Him the control, because he never leaves, never forsakes, never misguides. This letting go is an ongoing process, but what a freeing process. Scary but freeing. What bondage it is to try to control our lives, God already has a plan for all of us. Submitting to that plan is our part. He who the son sets free, is free indeed. That includes freedom from anxiety and control issues :-). Let go and God will take you on the ride of your life!!!

Life

2009-04-08T12:51:00.003-04:00

Life is changing. I think because I am now allowing new people and experiences into my life and my metaphorical "bubble." I haven't blogged in about 2 months and much has been going on. I have found a new, renewed love for Christ and have met some awesome friends to share this continuous growing passion of mine with. I have also started a local ministry which is exciting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time. God has been faithful and has allowed opportunities to come my way almost effortlessly. I will begin everything in the summer, so please keep me in your prayers. I still have tons of work to do, but that's OK. It's worth it, and completing His work is worth it. I'm not even quite sure how all of it will pan out in the end, but I know he won't leave me hanging.

Another school year is coming to a close, almost 8 weeks to go, and I am glad to see the end in sight. Although I began the year with much zeal and enthusiasm, it has been one of the roughest of my career. But of course I have learned much through my students and co-workers and in the grand scheme of things my relationship with Christ has grown. I am learning to trust Him more and more.

My relationship with God has become more intimate this year. I am learning to listen and hear His voice and His will instead of my own. I am learning to not always trust my emotions because they can and will fool you (and me :-) ) and I am learning that God is ALWAYS faithful; no matter what. Learning more about Him is like being in a new relationship, if you will, and falling in love for the first time...the closer I am to Him the more I learn about His character and faithfulness, it's really amazing. I am grateful, so grateful for this time alone, this single time. I only have Him to focus my attention towards and it has been great.

It's weird to look back at where this blog began and how my relationship with Christ and my journey has progressed. I can't wait to see what's ahead!

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

Amazing

2009-02-14T19:15:00.002-05:00

God is amazing. Well of course, that is a no brainer, but when I really sit and think about how he cares about the minute details of life I get a little teary eyed. Let's see, this week was tough, but wonderful. I have started a ministry... I didn't initially intend on starting one, but doors have opened and things are really falling together. It's been strange and just down right amazing.

Thinking about the journey that I have taken since first beginning this blog shows me that my plans are to be taken lightly and letting God dictate what happens it what really matters. I feel quite ill equipped to make all of the things happen that need to happen to get his ministry up and going and keep it going. BUT with God all things are possible.

At the end of every service in church we recite Ephesians 3:20-21: Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work with in us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever. Amen! God is doing immeasurably more than I could have ever planned, hoped or imagined. He never ceases to amaze me. His power is what will continue to keep me going, not my own.

I will continue to keep you all posted on my up and coming adventures with the ministry. In the meantime check out my website, www.fromthehartspeech.com.

Our deepest fear...

2009-02-07T20:45:00.003-05:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

Crazy rambles...catching up

2009-01-26T18:31:00.004-05:00

Well, this year has already been crazy! Not crazy bad but crazy good...Let's see, work has been extremely challenging this year. I have so many children on my caseload and managing that plus all of the paperwork creates a headache and a half. But it's worth it for the children. I have also been seeing students privately, which has been so rewarding. It's totally different than the school setting. I can take my time and get much more done in a private setting. I don't have the daunting task of paperwork looming over my head and I also get to work one-on-one with the parents. I really enjoy it. Did I already mention that. I have also been working on some "special projects" which I will not mention now, but will as they progress and are solidified.

Church is so, so great. I am growing. We are growing as a church and it's just fun, refreshing and inspiring. God is amazing. So, so amazing. I am making new friends, getting to know God better and getting to know myself better.

I think overall I have just been growing...spiritually, emotionally, mentally...I always think that emotionally and mentally mean the same thing but they don't. Don't ask me the difference because explaining it would require an enormous amount of thought on my part and I just don't have they capacity to answer thought provoking questions at this moment.

I am definitely rambling...definitely.

I guess that's all for now. I'm sure I have left out something that I intended on including but that's OK. I can always add them tomorrow.

Seasons of Life

2008-11-23T01:48:00.005-05:00

Being single and in your late 20's is such an interesting thing...First of all, most of your friends and family members that are around the same age as you are getting married and starting families of their own. You are invited to tons of wedding showers, engagement parties, weddings, receptions...and on and on...then come the baby showers, baby announcements, 1st year birthday parties...you get the picture. And everyone and I mean everyone has the perfect person to hook you up with. "Hey, I have the perfect guy for you. He works at my job and is single, cute and a really hard worker." Everyone's single guy pitch goes a bit like that or everyone, especially people over the age of 60 want to know if you're getting married anytime soon. "How are you doing, honey? Are you dating anyone special? Life's too short to waste it being single." AHHHHHH!!!! ...It makes me want to scream STOP! People, singleness is not some disease that one must be cured of in order to be happy and whole.

With all of that said...of course marriage and family are a big part of my thoughts these days. While celebrating others nuptials and child births you wonder what it would be like to have a family of your own. Now, don't get me wrong, being single has it's advantages, as does any season in one's life. But being able to acknowledge and appreciate these advantages can sometimes be hard...especially when you're feeling a bit lonely, or wondering, OK, God what do you want me to do next.

That has been my big question to Him lately. In other posts I have mentioned that I am a "doer." Task oriented, has a much better ring to it, don't you think? Anyway, so, I am always wondering, "what next?, what next?, what next?" I have actually been praying that to God and the only response I keep hearing ringing in my head is BE STILL. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Well, God that doesn't really give me all that much to do! But I know that's what he's teaching. Do nothing and let me be God. I am struggling with these instructions, but have only found peace in being still lately. A lesson is being taught here, spiritual growth is occurring...Therefore, still, I will be until God tells me otherwise. He knows what I need in my life at this very moment, what I'm ready for, what I am capable of. I have to trust that. His faithfulness has never failed me.

Little Girl in the Bathroom

2008-11-21T00:00:00.002-05:00

A couple of months ago I was driving to Virginia with my mother to visit family. On the way, we stopped at a gas station in order to fill up and use the restroom...While waiting in the bathroom, a little girl, about 6 or 7 years old came out of the stall, looked me dead in the face, like she knew exactly who I was and said, "My mom trusted me to come into the bathroom all by myself. And I know not to talk to strangers. My mom stayed in the car because my little baby brother is asleep and she didn't want to leave him in the car by himself or wake him up." (I may be paraphrasing a little, but that was the gist of her comment) I looked at her and said, "Wow! that's great, go ahead and wash your hands and don't talk to any strangers :-)." Isn't funny who children view as strangers...the little girl didn't know me however, she, for some reason, did not view me as a stranger. I laughed to myself as I left the bathroom...If only that sweet little girl's mother knew... her daughter does in fact, talk to strangers...she should probably accompany her to public restrooms. :-)

Women's Retreat

2008-11-20T19:03:00.004-05:00

On the weekend of Nov. 7-9 I attended an AMAZING women's retreat with my church (Mosaic Church, www.mosaicchurch.tv)!!! I don't really know where to begin because I learned so, so much about God and of course about myself. Honestly, I was dreading going a bit, just because I get a little anxious about attending events that I am going to have to participate in some sort of bonding activity/activities with other people...but I knew I needed to go, so I forged ahead up the Mountains to Asheville, NC. We stayed in the Lifeway Conference Center, I believe it's called Ridgecrest. The accomodations were much like staying in a hotel, except there are no televisions in the rooms and there is a cafeteria on campus.

Anywho, the theme of the retreat was "The Secret Garden"... simply put, we focused on tilling, if you will, our gardens i.e., our hearts...getting rid of all of the bad stuff that keeps us from growing closer to God. Bad habits, negative people, etc. And allowing God to plant "new seeds" in our freshly tilled soil :-). We had awesome break out sessions, focusing specifically on different ways to grow closer to God. The breakout session that had the most impact on me was "Spiritual Warfare." My eyes were opened to how satan can weasel his way in our lives through so many everyday experiences and how to combat him when he attacks. I had major epiphanies during that session...as well as many of the others. I can't say this enough, the retreat was LIFE CHANGING!!!!

Since leaving the retreat I have been on a "spiritual high"....I hate that our spiritual journey is a series of mountains and valleys...I much prefer the mountainous times but through the valley's we grow...I know that. So eventually I know that my "spiritual high" will end and I will be facing struggles and trials that must be addressed through seeking more of God and digging into the word...but until then I will enjoy this mountain...for I know a valley is coming eventually.

"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

"And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...."

Ephesians 6:10-18

Struggles

2008-10-09T18:47:00.006-04:00

I would say that it is so easy for me to write about my relationship with God and things that are personal but not really personal when blogging...but it's a bit more difficult to be completely vulnerable to cyberworld....do you really know who's reading these blogs anyway?

Despite my fear of opening up, I thought I'd take the plunge and be a bit more personal in this post...One of my biggest struggles as a person and a Christian has been accepting who I am. I have struggled with liking and loving who I am. In struggling with that, I have been involved in destructive relationships that have negatively shaped the person that I have become. I have lost trust in humans as a whole and have become distant, detached and overall, would consider myself somewhat of a hermit (besides work and church). I would even go as far as to say that at certain points in my life I really felt that I hated myself. I have struggled so much with knowing that God created me, loves me, accepts me, and forgives me for EVERYTHING, but truly believing it. Lately, I have been feeling better about who I am...Who God created me to be, but I now I struggle with what others think of me. I had issues with others perception of me before but now it seems like something that I am really having a tough time shaking.

I am praying that God will allow me to be OK with people not liking or liking me...because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. This whole issue with people liking/not liking me has kept me from getting close with a lot of people because I fear that once they really know me they will reject me. So, I'm dealing with all of this...Learning to love all of me...even the weird not so attractive parts. I can't be perfect, I can't please everyone and God is all that matters. His love is truly all that I need...This a huge part of my journey, but I know once I have conquered this it will be able to added on to my testimony of how far God has really brought me.

Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed... ~Hillsong

Making Decisions...

2008-09-01T20:56:00.002-04:00

Aneurin Bevan
"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over."

Napoleon Bonaparte
"Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. "

Mike Krzyzewski
"The truth is that many people set rules to keep from making decisions. "

Anso Coetzer
"Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world."

Making decisions is soooo hard for me!!!! UGH!

Back to School!

2008-08-30T16:22:00.003-04:00

Well, a new school year is upon us and I am excited. I have never really viewed my job as my ministry until this year (sad but true :-( )...which makes things so much more exciting. It was wonderful to see my old and new students this week. I am hoping that this year I will serve them not only on an educational level but a spiritual one as well. I truly do believe that God speaks through us in many ways, ways that we often do not realize. I also believe that sometimes when God is working in our lives we don't always notice Him. Gosh! I hope I can keep my eyes open this year and see Him in the small details of my life...and my job. I pray that I will continue to open up my heart and soul and let Him use me in ways I never imagined. I will keep you all posted with any great stories/testimonies as the school year progresses. Can't wait!

Life

2008-07-19T21:31:00.003-04:00

Life is short...Ok, so I began with a cliche'...who cares! It really is. Doesn't the Bible say,"life is but a vapor." I mean, we know that it's short and that some of us will only be here for another day, while some of us may be here for another 30 years...and even 30 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. I guess I've really been thinking about life because several people that I have gone to college or high school with, have died over the past couple of years. Not due to illnesses or anything, but in car accidents and some even murdered...all of a sudden. BAM! Just like that. No more breath in their bodies. These incidents make me really appreciate and value life more...And know that for some reason, God has spared me to complete a work here. I sure hope that I'm doing what he has planned for me...or that I'm at least on the right path.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Blue Like Jazz

2008-07-08T18:28:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I just finished reading a book called Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. I must say, I was impressed. I'm usually more interested in reading fictional books...but for some reason this book caught my interest and I decided to read it. The book doesn't really have a plot, it is rather a collection of thoughts and experiences of the author. He talks about his journey as a Christian and how his view of Christianity has changed over the years. Surprisingly, I could really relate to his old mentality, as he puts it, as a "Christian fundamentalist"...

Sadly, I believe that often I have been judgmental and unaccepting to people who didn't think and believe exactly as I did. Which pushed people and opportunities away in many aspects of my life. Reading this book along with attending my new church has given me a completely different aspect on what God really wants from us as Christians. How he wants us to love and view people. Surrounding myself with only people just like me puts me in this crazy Christian bubble that stifles growth and increases my ugly habit of judging. I am trying to reach outside of myself and allow God to love through me. It's tough, but I know that God would rather me share his love with all people rather than keeping it all to myself and my "bubble friends." I also know by expanding my ability to love and accept not all theologies, but people, the way Christ would, I am going to experience some awesome things.

It's so funny and self-righteous that I would think so highly of myself to judge others when in reality I am just like them, with flaws and a past...I'm human. And thinking more highly of myself and my "goodness" than another has been a major fault of mine. I know that I have grown some in this area, but reading this book as shown me that I have so much growing to do...God help me!

Inspiration

2008-06-30T17:01:00.003-04:00

Some people have to be inspired to make things happen...they aren't naturally motivated to keep life moving so to speak. Normally, I am a mover and a shaker but...I tell ya, I have to be inspired to blog/write. It always comes in spurts. As we speak, or as I speak, I am making myself blog about not wanting to blog due to lack of inspiration. It's so weird. I usually do things, even if I don't want to, because they need to be done. BUT this is the one area that I lack that discipline...OH well...I promise to blog soon about a great book that I just read called Blue Like Jazz....Bye!

YAY!!!!

2008-06-11T06:52:00.003-04:00

We have made it! Another year of school is officially over. I thought that I would be a little sadder than I am, but I'm just so relieved because I have so much work to finish up before shutting everything down. It feels like I just started working yesterday, but really it was 5 years ago. Hopefully the next 20-25 years will go by just as fast so that I can retire :-).

Where I am right now...

2008-05-29T19:51:00.003-04:00

Is where I am supposed to be...Did you know that I am a planner?...I love itineraries and schedules. I like having a plan for most major and some minor events in my life. This philosophy has definitely been adopted in my relationship with God. Subconsciously, I believe I have wanted God to follow my plan. Well, all that has done is taken me the long way to the destination that God is leading me to. God has taught me this year how important my job really is. I used to hate my job...not the children that I worked with but...I didn't think what I did mattered. This year, God has placed so many people in my life...parents, colleagues, students...who have affirmed and complimented my performance at work. Which was so surprising to me. I've just been doing what I thought I should as a speech pathologist, and didn't really feel like I was doing anything extraordinary. Towards the end of the school year, it dawned on me that what I do as profession is also my work as a missionary. Which is SO weird to me! I didn't want to accept that what I had chosen as a career would be one of the ways that God had chosen for me to serve Him. In my mind those were two separate things, I knew that I was to represented Christ everyday in anything that I did, but I didn't feel like that was truly serving Him...And I couldn't really figure out how to serve (according to my definition of serving) God in a public school setting where I couldn't even talk about Him. But people see Him in me, in the way that I interact with them, serve their children and in the amount of effort I put into my day to day job, BING! LIGHT BULB! That is serving! I am giving children a voice who would otherwise would not have the skills or the confidence to communicate in school or at home. It's given a completely different perspective on my role in my student's lives. I truly am working for Christ everyday at work. God has been telling me to sit still but I was ignoring that because I thought I knew best. "I need to move, I need to do something exciting and BIG!" "This can't be what God wants me to do!" But oddly enough I have come to love so many parts about my job this year. Apparently, I didn't know what was best after all. So, I'll be waiting and serving God right here, right now until he tells me to move. Strangely...I feel so peaceful after letting go of my plans and embracing God's. I guess that's really not so strange...

23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24