New Year Thoughts

When I originally began this blog it was because I was seriously considering becoming a missionary full time (if you are reading this on Facebook, all of my "notes" are really blog entries-john434.blogspot.com- that feed into my Facebook account).  The plan was for me to sell all of the things that I didn't necessarily need, save money and begin the application process in order to become an international missionary. Well, as many of you know, that didn't quite happen. Life and God have a way of changing your plans for one reason or another. Often I look back and wonder if I made the right decision in aborting that plan. I am not so sure if there is/was a right or wrong decision, as I believe God can us use as "missionaries" wherever we are. But I often think about how differently my life would be right now, if I had continued with the original plan. As my life plans have taken twists and turns that were often unexpected, I have had to adapt this blog to fit those changes.

As we have embarked upon a new year, I considered abandoning this blog all together and starting afresh. I considered re-naming, re-designing, and re-purposing my blog because I wasn't quite sure if it was still relevant to my life now. But I suppose it is still relevant...the name of my blog is "My Journey Now..." My main goal in having this blog is to write about the lessons, laughs, questions, and thoughts that I have about life and living it. So really the title and its purpose, will never be irrelevant because I am always going to be on some type of journey.

So instead of starting new somewhere else, I am forging on, adding to the adventures and revelations that I have documented on this particular blog. My life has not changed much over the past several months besides the fact that I have changed jobs yet again...but that is an entirely separate blog post all together.

Below I am going to list 10 major lessons that I learned in 2011...these lessons have reshaped my perspective on life and people. Some of them have made me a slightly more jaded while others have softened me a bit.

1.  More times than not, people are going to care about themselves far more than they care about you.
2.  We are all replaceable. No matter how important we believe we are to a business, a person, or situation more often than not we can and will be replaced and life will continue to move on.
3.  God wants the very best for me (I already knew that, but needed to be reminded). Even if it takes heartache and challenges, God wants you to have the very best in life.
4.  Family is one of the most amazing gifts that we have been blessed with...No matter how crazy, loud or embarrassing they are.
5.  Perfectionism is unobtainable...expecting perfection from yourself or others is unfair and unrealistic. It will drive you crazy!
6.  My heart is far softer than I realized. Although, most would not believe this...I am a softy deep down.
7.  Words are just as powerful as actions...especially when they are sincere.
8.  Taking risks is one of the best things that we can do in life. Risks are still one of my biggest fears, but I have learned that life is often stagnant and unproductive without them.
9. Your health, or the health of your loved ones should never be taken for granted.
10. Time is probably the most precious gift we have been given. With time, if used wisely, we can touch lives, create joy, take chances, live our dreams and create new ones.

I am sure that I have left something out, but I am OK with that. I hope that everyone has a great start to the new year!!!! Hopefully I will be blogging more often in 2012...hopefully!

Thankful...

In honor of Thanksgiving...

1. I am thankful for my family. They are the most important people in my life. They bring laughter, comfort and support and my life is 1,000 times richer because of them.
2.  I am thankful for good health. Often taken for granted, good health is what allows you to enjoy life and I am so thankful for it.
3. I am thankful for my crazy, amazing friends. They really belong in the family category as I don't have many people in my inner circle, but the ones that I do have bring so much joy to my life.
4.  I am thankful for freedom. Freedom to speak and believe whatever I want. It is one thing that I never want taken away.
5.  I am thankful for words, books, and authors. I love the smell of a fresh, new book; the inspiration and entertainment of a good story and the color that words bring to life.
6. I am thankful for work, my career and the lives that touch my life on a daily basis.
7.  I am thankful for heartache. It teaches us so much about the people that we are and makes us so much stronger than we ever imagined.
8. I am most thankful for God. He is my constant and I am an absolute mess without him. He is my sanity.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!!

Love: A Choice

In movies, characters fall in love, in more cases than not, have a whirlwind of romance, ooey-gooey eye gazing, and this sense of overwhelming joy because a special someone has entered their lives. Of course, the climax of the movie usually involves some sort of conflict, the couple splits, decides they can't live without each other, confess their wrongs and end up happily ever after. Now, after seeing that type of storyline over and over as a youth, one's thoughts about love are bound to be unrealistically skewed.

Life of course teaches you that the romanticized process of love shown on movies is, quite simply, a lie. My mother tried often and tirelessly to reassure me, particularly during my years in college, that love was a choice. She couldn't convince me at that time. I was not willing to abandon the fantasy of "you can't help who you love." But as I have grown older, and just a wee bit wiser, I am learning that love is in fact a choice. One could argue that you can't help who you fall in love with, and I would counter that argument by saying, you can help who you allow yourself to fall in love with. There is always a choice in this thing called love. Quite often, we allow ourselves to fall in love with people knowing good and well that they might not be the best person for us at the time. This behavior is probably attributed to the fact that most women (sorry ladies!!!) and some men are in love with the idea of love.

On the flip side of things bitterness and hurt can cause one to choose not to love all together. Opting to stay warm, safe and cozy in their cocoon of solitude. No one can hurt you if you don't love them. Remaining single is the best way to avoid being heartbroken. Trust me.

But there has to be a healthy balance, right? Choosing to love, but choosing to love with realistic expectations. Because after the initial newness of a relationship wears off you are stuck with a person. A person with, often, baggage, hurt, irritating habits, different opinions, annoying points of view, and the list could probably go on and on. However, that person comes with amazing qualities that enhance your life--companionship, laughter, support, growth, and an opportunity to become better. And if those wonderful qualities, outweigh all of the junk, I would venture to say that choosing to love is not so bad of an idea. It is work...even though some would argue with that sentiment as well. But some are worth the work; worth the disagreements, irritation, stretching, hurting, and sometimes even tears. The work, the love work, makes us self-less, more compassionate, more flexible and more loving.  And if we are willing to choose to truly love, then we should be willing to work to sustain the love.

I guess the bottom line or lines are: 1) Love is most certainly a choice 2) Continuing to choose to love is an even bigger choice and 3) Choosing to love is work, but it's worth it...well, at least I think it's worth it :-).

Tortilla Chip Fiasco

I was sitting outside of Chipotle yesterday attempting to enjoy my lunch. It was quite windy and I was experiencing some difficulty keeping my napkins, paper bag, utensils, and food container under control while reading and eating...talk about multi-tasking! Inside the paper bag mentioned above were my tortilla chips. I am a true lover of tortilla chips and was looking forward to enjoying them as a part of my lunch. As I was readjusting all of my belongings for the 25th time, I risked setting my bag of chips down for just a second. Before I could take one deep breath, my bag of chips flew away in the wind. I didn't even have time to attempt to chase after them. The were gone. All of the chips spilled onto the sidewalk beside me and the paper bag skipped away in the wind. It would be rather dramatic to say that I was devastated...but I was disappointed. The worst part about the whole situation was that before I could even begin eating my lunch again, little birds had already begun to snack on my beloved chips. I simple pushed them into a pile and resigned myself to the fact that my lunch would be "chipless."

While all of this was occurring, I kept thinking, "I am sure that someone inside the restaurant is watching me, laughing at me"...I mean I would be watching me. The whole scene had to be relatively amusing to an outsider...I mean, it was amusing to me! My thoughts proved to be correct, because as soon as I got myself situated again, a lady came outside and said, "excuse me, my friend and I just watched all of your chips blow away and we just wanted you to have some more, so here you go." She handed me a bag of chips and proceeded to say, "I know they (the chips) are so good and I hated for you to not having any chips with your meal." We both laughed. I thanked her and happily enjoyed my chips with the rest of my lunch.

I guess I've shared this little story to say: 1) you never know who's watching you, 2) I have to believe that the nature of most of humanity is kind and 3) little, unexpected blessings are the absolute best. Those ladies will probably never know how their little act of kindness, their donation of a $1.25 bag of tortilla chips, brightened my entire day :-).  

Change

Change has overtaken my life! As cliche' as it may sound, the only thing constant in life is change...and such has been true during the past few months. It seems that my life is either stagnant or changing, changing, changing. I am someone who normally becomes bored quite easily and look forward to some sort of change, but during the past couple of months I have started a new job--laced with new procedures, responsibilities, and colleagues, began new relationships/friendships, and been faced with some family "tragedies", for a lack of a better word. Don't get too upset with me, but I am about to drop yet another overused cliche'...they always say be careful what you ask for. Man, has that been true!!! For several months, I prayed and prayed for God to bless and guide me into a "new" season in life...and He did :-).

My goal during this time, this new season, is to dig and search through each situation for the blessing, the good. I am thoroughly looking for the part of the change that is making me a better person; despite the stretching, discomfort, and challenges, I know that most of the changes that have occurred are good ones; hard changes but good ones. Variations in my life that will, no doubt provide me with some sort of wisdom and strength.

So, onward I will march through each change; trying with everything in me to understand and relish in the fact that, 1) I am growing 2) the pleasure and pain of each twist and turn in my life are blessings from God and 3) I will adjust. I will wake up one day and find myself wishing for change again, I am sure. I can only hope that I will remember this time in my life and think nice and hard before I pray for God to bring something "new" into my world. Because, I am learning that when He answers a prayer...He REALLY answers it!

Erica...

I never thought my life would be so surrounded and consumed by the young, impressionable, lives of children. Growing up I always loved and enjoyed working with children, but I never thought they would teach me some of life's greatest lessons.

A few years ago I met a wonderful little girl named Erica. She was quiet, with big blue eyes and blond, blond hair. I immediately noticed that she had a sweet spirit and was drawn to her. Initially, she didn't say much to me, rarely made eye contact, and avoided my "teacherly" touches-pats on the back for encouragement and so forth; but after she warmed up a bit, we began a beautiful and unique friendship.  Erica would often catch me off guard with her impeccable memory and ability to persevere despite any challenges that would come her way. And she faced major challenges.  Erica had been diagnosed with brain cancer very early in her life. By the time I met her, she had endured a very intense round of chemotherapy and her medical status was stable.

As time progressed I built a strong relationship with she and her family. I watched Erica's academic and communication skills blossom. She fascinated me; she never complained, displayed such a thoughtfulness and compassion to others and she was a fighter. I can't even begin to imagine the amount of courage it takes for anyone to endure the looming, dark presence of cancer. I watched Erica and her family struggle through highs and lows with such grace...a grace that I couldn't quite understand, but I marveled at it. I also marveled at Erica's courage and strength as she pressed forward and beat so many odds that were stacked against her.

My time with Erica taught me that falling down means getting back up; you never go out without a fight; you do your absolute best no matter what; and you take what life and God have blessed you with and exhaust all of the possibilities that come with those blessings. Quite simply Erica taught me the great lessons of faith and courage.

As life gifts you with joys it also allows you to experience heartbreak. On June 10th, 2011 Erica lost her battle with cancer. Her sweet face, gentle voice, infectious smile and strong character will forever be etched in my heart and mind. Her family, the epitome of love, grace and strength, will forever have my prayers and love. I can't begin to imagine the grief they are experiencing. I am eternally grateful for the honor of having known Erica, how amazingly blessed heaven is to have her.

Please make donations to St. Jude for their continued research.
St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital501 St Jude PlaceMemphis, TN 38105Phone: 1-800-822-6344Or Email: donors@stjude.org

New Season...

The ending of this school year is a bit bittersweet. It is the first time in 8 years that I will be turning in my school ID, keys, emergency exit plan, and first aid kit, with no plans to return in the fall. I have accepted a new career challenge that will pull me away from the public school setting and I am both petrified and excited. The school building, schedule, children and yes, even the dreaded paperwork have become my home and comfort zone and it's scary to walk away from something that is so familiar to me. I have learned so much about myself during these past years. Children are probably life's most valuable teachers, as their vulnerability is always given so freely and their honesty keeps you honest with yourself. They can bring out the absolute best and sometimes...the worst in you. My experience in the public school system, although challenging and at times extremely stressful, has been invaluable. I have realized that I have been well trained to perform my job.

I have also embarked on new challenges personally, that have perplexed and pleasantly surprised me, making this time in my life a clearly defined new season. I am being pushed in many ways to try new things, learn more about myself, and trust those whom I wouldn't normally trust. As I have taken a risk to try a new career setting, I have also taken an even scarier risk in building new friendships.

So, I am cautiously moving into this new season in my life full of anxiety and anticipation. I know that if nothing else, I will learn and grow from the lessons that this part of my journey will teach me.

The Atheist: A Gray Area Situation

As a passionate follower of Christ I never thought I'd find myself in certain situations. I vividly remember mentally comprising a list of things that I would NEVER do (which I quickly learned is a major no-no, because you usually either end up doing the "nevers" or are placed in a situation that consists of making a choice regarding one of the "nevers"). I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would try with everything in me to make decisions that were honoring to God. I was determined (and still am) to make decisions that reflect my devotion to Christ. But as I have lived this crazy life, I have come to the realization that this is no easy task; particularly due to the fact that I am human and bound to make mistakes. I am bound to encounter people and situations that make decision making terribly difficult and sometimes downright painful. I suppose it's how you respond to these situations that teach you about the type of person you are. I suppose that living without these "gray area" scenarios would make life a bit too easy and possibly make you so closed minded that you fail to see God in the most unlikely of circumstances.

One of my most significant "gray area situations" was falling in love with an atheist. I know some of my devoted Christian friends are gasping and clutching their pearls, but yes, it is true. I met an amazing person. I knew that he wasn't a Christian, but still allowed myself to fall in love with him. It probably wasn't one of my best decisions in life but it is one that has taught me so much about myself, my heart and my relationship with God.  Without getting into too many details as to how this relationship transpired, I will say that it wasn't difficult falling in love with an atheist, it was rather easy. I was treated well; we shared a lot of the same views about morality, family and life and well, he was quite simply easy to be around. He was also very open to learning more about my faith. He was open to trying to figure out if my beliefs were something he could subscribe to...and after much thought and effort, he determined that they weren't. 

During this time, I was extremely conflicted.  I knew that I wanted to share my faith with the person that I was in a relationship with; this was one of my non-negotiables. But this was the first time that I had had to come face to face with one of my non-negotiables in a real and tangible way; I saw this great person, that possessed every quality that I desired except belief in God and for the first time I questioned the importance of faith in my relationship. It was one of the happiest and one of the most emotionally difficult times of my adult life (regarding relationships).  My heart and mind were at war and my constant fear wasn't really about what God thought, but about what my Christian friends/associates would think. I would even go as far to say that I was ashamed of my relationship. I was allowing the opinions of people to convict me rather than the will of God. I feel horrible even saying that because I know that God places everyone in our lives for specific purposes. Sometimes those purposes don't make sense. Sometimes we misinterpret the purpose but I know that God can take even our misinterpretations of a situation and make something beautiful.  It is a tough thing to feel a certain way but know that God doesn't necessarily agree with your feelings. It is even more difficult when you make a decision to sacrifice something you want so badly because you feel that it will be best for you and possibly another in the long run.

It was my decision to end the relationship, not his. We had discussed at length the possibility of this happening from the beginning, so it wasn't a huge surprise when it finally did. The biggest surprise for me was the hurt that I experienced. I didn't expect to feel so heartbroken, as there was no wrong doing on either end. It was just heartbreaking to lose a friend, not just someone I loved, but someone I genuinely liked, respected and admired; someone who made me laugh, didn't take himself too seriously and accepted me for exactly who I was. I didn't expect to feel so angry either. Angry at myself, and God and the situation. It was all so frustrating (and sometimes still is when I think about it). 

I'm constantly thinking and wondering what all I learned from this situation. I ask myself, "how have you grown?" "What do you know about yourself now that you didn't before." "How did this situation benefit him at all? I don't really have any definitive answers and maybe I never will. All that I can say with certainty is, love can and does come in a variety of packages, everyone deserves a chance--you never know the lasting impact that you will have on their life or vice versus; if it is God who you trust and believe in, then his opinion is the only one that matters and lastly, this whole Christian thing is not always easy or fun. But I have believed in God long enough to know that he really is faithful and just. And I can only hope that he honors my decision and will one day pleasantly surprise me with a love and friendship that I never imagined. 

A Worthy Risk

Some weekends I work at a local hospital as a speech therapist. Today while at work, I entered one of my patient's rooms and witnessed something that I thought was memorable and maybe even a bit breathtaking. Two ladies were repositioning their mother in her hospital bed, rearranging her blankets and pillows, readjusting the height of the bed and so forth. This isn't really that abnormal as many patient's families care for them in this way. I suppose it was the gentleness and care they used. Each movement was loving, soft and gentle. As they repositioned her pillows they would softly brush any fly away hairs back into place. As they tucked her blankets they made sure her hands and feet were evenly covered, making sure that each extremity had just enough coverage balanced with the right amount of space for comfortable movement. They spoke to her quietly in loving tones. They arranged and rearranged several times making sure their mother was just right. They were truly performing an act of love. Their actions were love. I couldn't even understand the words they spoke because they were speaking another language but love poured out of them through the tones of their voices. Their actions didn't seem obligatory, rather they appeared privileged, blessed to be able to serve their mother in this manner. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, "now this is love." 

I'm not sure why I was so acutely aware of my patient's family members today. I'm not sure why their actions struck me as extraordinary. All I know is that I was blessed by their love and it wasn't even directed towards me. I suppose all of us are touched by love whether we're experiencing it personally or just fortunate bystanders. Either way, I was reminded today that love is powerful. In all of it's forms, it is powerful and can inspire us to become more loving. I truly believe that we were all created to love. And even though to love at all is to be vulnerable; to love at all is granting our loved ones permission to hurt us; I'm coming to realize that often the benefits of love far outweigh it's risks. 

The Past 14 Years...

For the past 14 years I have either been studying or practicing the great science of communication disorders. During these years I have come to realize that my career is my identity. I wasn't so aware of it until recently. Upon entering undergraduate school, my major was speech language pathology and it stayed that way during my 4 undergraduate years and 2 graduate years. Not necessarily because I loved the idea of the occupation so much, it was just the right, logical, reasonable thing to do. I was going to be a speech pathologist. There. A good, solid profession. I knew that I would most certainly not have difficulty finding or securing a job. So, after graduation nearly 8 years ago (yikes! I'm getting old!), my professional journey commenced.

So here I am 8 years later, faced with a major decision that I need to make.  A decision that I thought I would find quite simple and easy. But for some reason, I am having a hard time deciding, do I in fact want to continue on in pursuit of higher education, do I want to continue to study the discipline that has so defined me for these 14 years? I am not so sure. I do enjoy most aspects of my career. I love, love helping people. I am a communicator by nature, so naturally empowering others to be effective communicators is rewarding.

However, I am learning as I inch my way into the land of the 30s, I'm not so sure that I want to continue to allow my career to define who I am. There are so many other aspects of me that I have yet to cultivate. There are talents and skills in the me that I never tap into because my focus has been on my career; on making the logical, safe, smart decisions in my life to avoid unwanted detours and looks of misunderstanding from the people that I value. Honestly, my ability to dream and think beyond the logical has somewhat died...sad, but true. And trying to revive that part or me, leaves me feeling a little confused and disjointed. I have realized, I am simply existing.

Really, I don't know in which direction I want my life to go.  I have spent most of my life making choices that I thought people wanted me to make. I have spent my life wanting to please and appease others even at the expense of my own feelings just to see the look of satisfaction or approval of another. Of course it's no one's fault but my own; but simply making a decision without regard to ANYONE's feelings but mine and God's is scary. I don't know how to live like that. I don't know how to say, "this is what I am doing because I want to do it." I'm just used siking myself into being excited about something because I think someone else will excited about it. But I am so, so over that. I want to live.

SOOOOO, where do we go from here. Who knows? I just know that I have some decisions to make for myself. Without consultation from all of the people in my life and for the first time ever without the thought that I may disappoint someone because my life isn't going the way they think it should (or how I think they think it should). I am stepping out on my own, even though I've been "on my own" for quite some time, I'm stepping out on my own to live the life that I was designed to live. A life that engages the parts of me that inspire to me dream, the life that allows me to invest in the things and people that I am most passionate about, the life that I can truly be proud of.  Not a life that is revolving around people's opinions and perceived expectations, not a life that only takes safe chances, not a life that doesn't reflect who I truly am.  God created me to be someone that I haven't quite been just yet. But I am committing to learning about who I am, who I want to be, and in which direction I want my life to go. It's not going to be easy, but I HAVE to do this. If I don't I will most certainly have a nervous break down :-).